It looks like...farewell

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by betteroffunknown, Nov 20, 2010.

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  1. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    It's with a heavy heart I'm writing this atm.

    I just attempted to make an ammends with someone here apparently I wronged in the past. I can't recall it all at this time which isn't suprising given I have memory issues stemming from having about 60 electric shock treatments ending a year ago in June.

    This person expressed the problem and harm I had caused. I took them at their word even though I cannot still for the life of me recall the experience. I apologized and admitted that what I did was messed up, and said I was sorry. Apparently this is not good enough.

    I realize that I have done what I could do to try to resolve the problem, and it's in their hands now. My head is well aware of this, but my heart is not. Should my heart not quickly follow what my head already knows tonight will be my last. This is a promise.

    I am a person who cares not only for peace for myself, but others as well. I'm finding it quite perplexing that I actually caused this type of harm, but I believe the person as this is what they shared. I would just assume not go another day with this grief of having caused someone such harm.

    It's just not going to work for me. If I've caused such harm here how many other places have I done the same and not known it. Each time I try to reconcile and apologize for my past foolish behavior it falls on deaf ears. I had come to believe I'm not this kind of person that was shared with me, and yet at the same time I was pretty messed up for a very long time. Not that this is an excuse just a fact.

    My heart needs to follow and quite quickly I might add to what I do know is truth. That is I did try to reconcile the situation. It's on their shoulders now. I grieve for this person too in many respects.

    I will not be able to handle this grief for long. Not willing to let it continue. By the end of the evening has my heart not followed, and deal with the grief I'm outta here...this place we call earth. I do not belong here-not that I ever have.

    No there's no calling for help. Help is no longer avaliable to me. You can argue this if you'd like, but it doesn't change that it's a fact. Hospitals have shared there is nothing more they can do for me. Yes, they specifically said just that. Besides I won't go through what I went through last time I did go in. It took them just over four actual hrs on the phone of talking me to go in. I've learned what not to do and what to do now. That experience alone was extremely stressful to put it mildly. There are also reasons beyond this which I won't get into sharing that I say this as well.

    Please take care all of you. For those I have and have not caused harmed to I hope grace and peace to you all.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry this has happened rhinolady...given that you were so unwell at the time and that you've tried to make ammends I don't think you need to take your life over it..
    Please remember that most everyone else here is also in some stage of depression and that their forgiveness may not be possible at this time...
    we all make mistakes and this illness doesn't help things one way or another...
    You need to forgive yourself . .and keep moving forward..
  3. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Friend and Antiquities Friend Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Liz, I don't know the situation, but please remember that many people on this site are extremely unstable, I personally don't believe that you do harm. Quite the opposite, I've seen you help ppl many times.

    Please don't condemn yourself. You are a lovely person who deserves to live. Give yourself that chance.

    With all my heart and hopes for a good future for you. Angie
  4. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words. No doubt forgiving myself is in order. Guess I need to find it within me and quickly. Not so sure I'm worth forgiving.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am telling you that YOU are so worth fighting for I too have hurt another with my words and felt like you do devastated i apologised as well and left it with him. You did all you could okay we all get sick we all do things we regret later. You do not even remember so i say whatever was done was not by you but by your illness.

    YOu are worth every bit the fight and i hope you stay here okay i see only compassion coming from you for others.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Yes you are worth forgiving...and remember you're only human..*hug*
  7. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Im just not seein it. The harm Ive caused apparently superceeds my value as a human being.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    By who by one person alone not by the others who truly see your kindness and care one person who for reasons of their own cannot forgive or let go of the pain inside them. You are letting one person judge you look and see how many truly care abt your value as a human
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like someone has put some blame on you that you don't deserve.

    So SF might have a record of what happened, or some people might remember what went on. Maybe you can ask them to give you some objective views on the situation?

    Think of all the good things that you have done! I don't think that you are seeing your true value.

    Sounds like you are a pretty sensitive person.

    Hooray for Rhinolady! Rhinolady is wonderful! We all love Rhinolady! Please stay Rhinolady!

    :hug: :hug: :hug:

  10. oibit

    oibit New Member

    nothing can supersede your value as a human being
  11. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Forgiveness breaks those chains that bind each of us. If people truly knew theyd be far more willing to do it. I am bound in ways most cannot see. It will continue to influence the direction of my life, unwillingly and w/o cause. If you or anyone only knew. Their lack of forgiveness will not only leave me bound in chains, but will also leave them bound as well. Because of that alone, and knowing the desire I have for everyone to be free of those chains that bind us knowing Ive been the cause I cannot live in these chains also. My life will see the reprocussions of this til the day forgiveness happens. I cannot make them forgive. I accept this. I also cannot remain bound to this either. Its already at work in other areas of my life, and now I can see why.
  12. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Forgiveness or the lack thereof is not an act influenced by illness. It's a choice we have to make or not. It's called free will. It's a choice we make that changes hearts and lives. Bitterness will eat a soul alive, and forgiveness parts the waters.
  13. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    wait wait wait, i mean i have no right to butt in all drunk at 5 am and writing from my cell phone after totally disappearing for forever, but that doesn't change the fact that this is a really awful idea and that you should keep talking this out until you realize that. if you don't even remember this incident then trying to answer for it is like trying to catch water in your bare hands, i e not being able to do it has less to do with your personal qualities as a human and more to do with it being impossible. and if you kill yourself over something you can't even remember then i am going to be seriously pissed off, so, you know, don't. (hug)
  14. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Ty all for your kind words, and at the same time I am sorry for there is no point in my sharing anymore. Ive come to truly accept that nothing I will ever have to share will mean anything to anyone at anytime especially where its relavent to being helpful to others. The dynamics are too great. I have brought myself to my own ruin. There truly is no point in my uttering another word. I accept that its a waste of time and energy. Its with a profound sadness and as the tears run down my face I bid you all my farewell. Grace and peace for you all. Take care.
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you are effecting people right now we care we understand and we want you to hold on No one judges you for anything so please take care okay
  16. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I have read many of your rplies to people in cisis and you always offered help..Your not a bad person..I don't see that in you.. Stay with us and let us help you thru this..,If you need a small break to regroup then take one, but make sure you come back because everyone here will be worried about you..Take Care!!
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    how you doing rhinolady?
    Forgiveness or the lack thereof is not an act influenced by illness. i believe that illness can distort our thinking and make us angry when certainly does with me anyway...and in that state forgivness is not even contemplated as rational..
    please forgive yourself and stay ..
  18. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Please, you may have not done anything wrong at all! Please get some objective opinions about this!

    If someone got offended while you were trying to help them, I think that is something unavoidable.

    What you are not seeing is that the good that you are doing far outweighs any imagined harm even in the worst case scenario

    You would be doing a far greater injury to others by killing yourself! If you will not save yourself for your own sake, please don't kill yourself for the sake of others that need your support!
  19. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your concern. Yes, Im still around in a manner of speaking. From what I was told I was the one who did the offending not vise versa. I apologized regardless of my lack of memory. Im trusting them that what they shared is truth. Ive taken responsibilty for my actions in my apology to them. It is on their shoulders now. I feel for this person now b/c I know 1st hand what bitterness can do to a person. Its no way to live. I can only hope someday solely for their sake theyll find it in them to forgive. It will make all the difference in the world for them when (if) they do. Thanks again.
  20. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    you might want to get some input from other people, moderators, etc.

    I could be that someone might have a completely different perspective on what happened.

    It could be that on some level, you reminded a person of someone else in their life, and they just directed their hostility at you. And maybe releasing this anger made them feel better, even if it made you feel worse.

    Please don't torment yourself over something that could turn out to be not so bad at all!
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