It's with a heavy heart I'm writing this atm. I just attempted to make an ammends with someone here apparently I wronged in the past. I can't recall it all at this time which isn't suprising given I have memory issues stemming from having about 60 electric shock treatments ending a year ago in June. This person expressed the problem and harm I had caused. I took them at their word even though I cannot still for the life of me recall the experience. I apologized and admitted that what I did was messed up, and said I was sorry. Apparently this is not good enough. I realize that I have done what I could do to try to resolve the problem, and it's in their hands now. My head is well aware of this, but my heart is not. Should my heart not quickly follow what my head already knows tonight will be my last. This is a promise. I am a person who cares not only for peace for myself, but others as well. I'm finding it quite perplexing that I actually caused this type of harm, but I believe the person as this is what they shared. I would just assume not go another day with this grief of having caused someone such harm. It's just not going to work for me. If I've caused such harm here how many other places have I done the same and not known it. Each time I try to reconcile and apologize for my past foolish behavior it falls on deaf ears. I had come to believe I'm not this kind of person that was shared with me, and yet at the same time I was pretty messed up for a very long time. Not that this is an excuse just a fact. My heart needs to follow and quite quickly I might add to what I do know is truth. That is I did try to reconcile the situation. It's on their shoulders now. I grieve for this person too in many respects. I will not be able to handle this grief for long. Not willing to let it continue. By the end of the evening has my heart not followed, and deal with the grief I'm outta here...this place we call earth. I do not belong here-not that I ever have. No there's no calling for help. Help is no longer avaliable to me. You can argue this if you'd like, but it doesn't change that it's a fact. Hospitals have shared there is nothing more they can do for me. Yes, they specifically said just that. Besides I won't go through what I went through last time I did go in. It took them just over four actual hrs on the phone of talking me to go in. I've learned what not to do and what to do now. That experience alone was extremely stressful to put it mildly. There are also reasons beyond this which I won't get into sharing that I say this as well. Please take care all of you. For those I have and have not caused harmed to I hope grace and peace to you all.