Okay so its been almost 14 months since my last cut, 14 months on the 4th. and i'm so glad to have made it this far because it really is a horrible addiction, and i did not like being so addicted. its like a daily battle. recently i've been so depressed, there is a bunch of rumors going around about me and i'm now known as "the bad kid" but i didn't even do anything, a lot of rumors have been going around, and its making me feel really annoyed. all of my friends have been leaving one by one. they keep backstabbing me. its like no one exists for me anymore, I do have my boyfriend now who is helping me a lot...but its like i'm afraid to get to attached to him because i dont want to get hurt anymore so i have this wall up. I've been talking about cutting with him recently, because he's a cutter, he went without it for a year and then recently did it again, and now its been looking better and better to me. I really want to feel it again...the sweet pain, I want to see the pretty blood....but luckly I've been stopping myself and drawing on my arms instead. and i'm very proud of myself for doing so, but I don't know how much longer i can put it off. I know i'm just hitting a rough spot and it will be over with soon...but i feel like i'm going down into a hole of depression again....i'm gonna see if i can get my anti-depressents uped because it feels like they stopped working. I really don't want to cut. but I really do...I want to know i'm alive, i want to feel something besides this emotional pain, I want the outside to match the in, I look at my scars and normally i think they are ugly, but recently they have been looking prettier and prettier..... i've been really depressed lately, because a boy that i really trusted and knew for a long time who was my bestfriend ever i gave my virginity to, and he threw me to the side like garbage and started telling me i wasnt good enough, i needed to lose weight, and told me to stop eating and things of that sort...and before that happend I was raped...on my one year away from cutting. july 4th. and since then, its all just been going downhill, then i met chris, my boyfriend and he's helping me out a bit, but I don't know. I need help. I think i'm gonna start coming to this website more often.