it makes no f-ing sense (may be triggering, i don't know)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by scarlettdrknss, May 31, 2012.

  1. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    posting this just to rant

    i just don't fucking get it. while i hid it all completely, my biggest fear was someone seeing my scars, seeing me cut and looking into me. i thought everything would change. it scared me but it was also a secret hope, that even if things didn't change for the good, SOMETHING would happen. then i cut up my arms and didn't hide it. my parents freaked, i got meds and a shrink and i was nervous but it DIDN'T CHANGE A THING about my feelings or my life. i even told a friend thinking something would happen, but nothing. my lightly faded scars on my arms are visible to anyone who looks a bit closer, and if you'd look really closely you'd even be able to read it. i have a feeling people have noticed. i mean, what kind of excuse is it saying that it was my dog? i became more social, talk more to people, and it also hasn't changed anything.

    for a while i was so mad, i stopped the meds and therapy, thinking that would change. i went to a concert secretly, argued with my parents, even tried to do good in school, i did tons of things i would usually never do just to find some kind of change, but nothing helps!

    my feelings are constantly changing, that's what it feels like, but in the end it's all just a few feelings on repeat. i'm empty, then i cut, i feel hurt, i feel sad, then angry, then stronger than the world, then broken, and it can happen in a split second. i can be happy one second, and the opposite the next. and when i finally feel like i understand something and i write it down so i don't forget it or i'm about to write it down, then i read what i wrote 3 years ago and it's exaclty the same i'm feeling or felt the day before! years have past, things have changed, i've gone through so much more and yet nothing really changed!

    and that's what i want to change but whatever i do, it just doesn't! like said, i thought i would just fuck my bad mood, go to a concert behind my parents' backs and sleep over at a friends. btw, not a band i really liked and well i call them friends but i don't really feel bound to them in any way, i'll get to that later though. but nayway, my parents didn't find out but suspected it, got angry about me not calling them and yelled and had me crying and everything cuz they always fuck you up emotionally. and a few hours later, it all didn't matter. i didn't feel any different than the day before. WHAT SENSE DO MY EFFORTS MAKE THEN??!

    and yeah, friends, family, loyality and honesty meant everything to me when i was younger. i actually never wished for a toy or anything when someone asked me what i wanted for my birthday or christmas. I WAS HAPPY and I KNEW IT as a child of 6 years. the world was perfect! even though i was the quiet one, the different one, who talked a different mother tongue and wasn't born in the country and whose parents came from a third country. and i never got into an argument or fight in school. if i ever had a little argument with a friend, we'd be talking again in two hours. i did fight with my parents but i actually never blamed them, i always immediately blamed me. but when i look back, it was PERFECT. the whole world was back then. i didn't even feel sad when we had to move back to my birthplace. NO SADNESS whatsoever even though i was leaving everything i knew behind. i was about 9 1/2 then. i thought things would stay that way. then we moved and the world crashed down on me.

    i didn't give up immediately. i was almost mute in public for almost a year, only talking when asked something and only if i couldn't answer with a shake or nod of my head. i felt like i was dreaming for that year, like i would wake up and be back by my friends. but that didn't happen. i started to get used to this place and go with the flow, talking, 'making friends' and doing everything you normally do. i didn't cut back then, i didn't do anything to myself, i didn't feel much at all actually. just empty and fighting.
    then at one point, i just suddenly jolted and felt the emptiness, the numbness like an imaginary pain. i actually feel like i remember that moment being a specific moment in school. i was just sitting there, when suddenly the realization hit me. i'm not sure, the memories are all a bit blury even though it's not that long ago (5 years at the most) but i think i started writing stories then. a story about being rejected from the world, belonging somewhere else, realizing everything you had was nothing of meaning and losing the one thing that meant most to you and a suicide-like death. i was 12 tops there.

    that was the point when i started feeling disconnected to everything. it hurt. the ones i loved the most, meant nothing anymore to me. i lied to them, they didn't notice and i didn't feel guilt, just sadness that i lost that feeling toward them all. i tried cutting and started writing dark poems (pretty much all of my poems are about the darkness, demons, blood and suicide). i tried to force myself to love them again, to enjoy life. we got a dog and i tried to force myself to live the way i used to live. to go back to living the life i loved. but it didn't work.

    i got addicted to cutting for half a year last year, one day without cutting was like an eternity. i was actually afraid of stopping to cut. i never really stopped. just lessenes it, cuz it doesn't mean much to me anymore. yeah, i cut and enjoy it but it doesn't change my life. it also only makes me feel goos when no one knows. anyway, i don't see the bad in cutting at all. when people freak, i'm completely confused and offended inside. i hate somethings and don't understand them, still i don't freak when other people do them.

    and fuck, i just don't know what to do anymore. i attempted suicide a few times. last time i was really close. but i can't. my pride is too big. the fighter in me gets so angry at myself. i get so mad at the world that i want to destroy it all and feel like i can. but there's also a part of me that is the complete opposite, who wants to curl up like a puppy dog in someone's lap and just concentrate on eat, sleep play and that one person i love. i don't have anyone or thing i love right now. no one to live for. i live for myself. that disgusts me though. i want to spit at my own feet. i need someone to live for. but no one is good enough. humans are all stupid fuckers.

    F.U.C.K E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.