Yesterday... Took everything within me to get in the bath, get dressed, sort myself out and go and see my Doctor to - finally - go back on meds. After saying I would for months now, and seeing things go from bad to worse, becoming suicidal again and in the end realising I had hit rock bottom. My Doctor has always been a condescending asshole (once raised his voice to me and said "if you just lost weight and got a job maybe you wouldn't be so depressed), so for me to go back to him I really had to bite down hard. He was actually okay, even said he would ask the NHS practice counsellor about group counselling meetings nearby. I left feeling a bit more optimistic. This morning I woke up, sore throat, bad dreams so I hadn't really slept, feeling like shit. Just getting into the shower was so difficult, it felt like someone was asking me to carry this bag of rocks for them. It took everything within me again. I knew it was going to be a bad day. The house was a mess - as usual. The elephants had left it looking like a tornado had gone through, and once again I am expected to clean it all up. I have letters waiting for me at the door, one is from the bank, somehow paypal took £1.50 extra that I didn't have, and the bank are going to take £28 for that because I went over my overdraft. I call them to say that is unreasonable, it was £1.50 surely that cannot be fair, they tell me that's just how it is. I sign on, I already pay out £130 a month in debts as it is. I can't afford £28. After that I still somehow manage to pull on my clothing and leave the house. Paranoia struck me as soon as I opened the door. Some people were standing outside their house talking and laughing - I know deep down they aren't talking about me but I can't help but to think they are. Almost went back into the house, but instead I turned my ipod up and walked very fast past them and carried on down towards the chemist. a 10 min walk away. I get there and feel in my pockets. No prescription. It was there a min ago. Turns out it has dropped out and disappeared. I retrack my steps and find one (for something I dont really care about - hayfever medicine) but not the other. It's gone. Has someone pocketed it or did they just separate and it's blown away). I call the Doctor, he's not there, the receptionst tells me he may or may not be able to give me another. So I sink into a fit of despair. Seriously... why me? Just fucking why. It's a bunch of pills to make me feel better it's not like I'm asking for money. Why fucking me why why why just why. Why can't anything go right, just the one time. I am so sick of this shit. I probably should've written this in my diary but I hate keeping a diary so I wrote it here. I wish I had the guts to kill myself, it is honestly so tiring just taking a breath most days. How am I supposed to go on like this for another 50 years or so?