It might seem it but this is not pro ED. *Trig* a warning to those on the road to ED

[butterflies32]

I see my GP every three weeks for check ups for my ED. She is currently my only support and is trying desparetly to get me some out side help. She asked me loads of questions the last time I saw her a couple of days ago and focused on my laxative intake and whether I binge or not.

When she found out the amount that I take in a day (can sometimes be double figures) she said that I really need to cut down. I told her that since being on them my health seems to be a lot better and when asked how I used my blood test as an answer. Before I was aneamic and always had something wrong with me. Now I have nothing rong with me. Yes I am tired but that is coz of low protein levels. After I saw her and got prescription for an allergy to that plaster spray, I went and got more lax and took them all...a very small box and bought a hell of a lot more yesterday and managed to increase the amount that I was taking instead of trying to cut down. I just cant do it. I have tried and my weight is affected I feel huge and ugly when I do not take them...I feel huge when I do take them but it is bearable to cope with that thought whilst taking the things.

I can't cope with this or even think about cutting down because of the emotional rollercoaster that I get when I try not to take them during the day. I can't stop and I show that I do not have a prolem by pretending that I do not have one. Maybe I don't. I don't binge although I feel like I do if I go over my calorie count that I have set myself so I am not bulimic in that way. Infact I am not bulimic. I purge and I have not lost loads of weight and my periods have not stopped so I am not anorexic. I am normal and healthy.

I am not thin enough. I am huge, digusting and can't understand why people say that I am gorgeous and pretty and have an amazing figure when there are much thinner girl s out there of the same height as me or taller and has an amazing figure and is slim. How come they can get away with it and not me? Why am I huge and ugly and why are people being kind and sympathetic by lying to me to try and make me feel better. It is all lies. What people say is all lies. I have not lost weight so how can I be what they say.

I make up for my appearence by being happy and bubbly and giggly at work. Being lively and good at my job. That is what people like they are repealled by my body and I do not blame them. They keep saying how there magnatic necklace could fit around my waist and yet around there neck it was doubled and a loose choker. No way would it fit around my waist.

At lunch I eat something and then feel disgusted coz I realise that I needed to eat dinner in the evening becoz of the boys (brothers) and they have no clue about what I do. I enjoy the job it is good it is just the stuff in my head I can't cope with. I keep that happy by doing what it wants me to do because I am too tierd to fight it and say no.

I am struggling and last night I took the most that I have ever taking in lax. I
am s*** and mucked up in the head. I can not just give this up. I am a b****** and worse than he is. He is someone who was ment to care and did but way to much and yet people say that he didn't. He has made me like this and now I don't care about myself.

I am so sorry. I seem to have almost writtern about nothing about myself...my head...my life...and what I am really like.

I am not ok. Far from it. And people say that I am not serious.

Sam
xxx

 

[butterflies32]

Re: It might seem it but this is not pro ED. *Trig* a warning to those on the road to

ok maybe the above is too long or I am making a big deal about nothing. Maybe it is more of the latter.
:sad:
xxx

 

[SweetSurrender]

Re: It might seem it but this is not pro ED. *Trig* a warning to those on the road to

((((Butterflies))))
I think you need a kindly hug from one girl to another. I can't imagine what you are going through because i don't have your monster in my head but i have sometimes felt so empty that i have eaten and eaten to try and make myself full, till the point where i needed an escape. It is not the same i know. But your post is so heartfelt that i feel so much for you. I don't know the person that you are referring to at the end but he should have cared for you, as you deserve to be respected and to be healthy and happy. I can only imagine how hard it is to fight the voices in your head, i know that i have a few of my own depression demons and they are so strong. There have been times where i cannot fight anymore too.
But do you know the most attractive feature of a person? Most people mention their eyes or their smile. Just from your post you sound like a really beautiful person, i just wish you weren't screaming on the inside. :sad: I know that the laxatives are addictive and i very much doubt you want anyone telling you again the dangers of taking them but please be wary because they dehydrate you and mess up your electrolyte balance. Unfortunately any weight you lose will be water weight.
I really hope that your GP manages to get your the extra help you need to fight these demons...it helps when you don't have to do it all alone, believe me. Oh and just so you know, your post was not too long nor making a big deal out of nothing, i believe it was very serious and i'm really concerned about you. Plus you write really elegantly and i hope you open up again sometimes.
Here if you want someone to talk too. SS

 

[Bagpuss18]

Re: It might seem it but this is not pro ED. *Trig* a warning to those on the road to

1) You do have an ED honey and you cannot say that you are healthy because taking that amount of lax isn't healthy. Or normal. You do need extra help aside from your GP.
2) Please try to accept that you have a problem. It is much easier to get help that way.
3) People do not lie to you - or at least, I don't. But I also realise that nothing can change those thoughts - it doesn't matter what anybody else says.
4) Don't wait for your doctor... Do your own research about finding at least a free counsellor to deal with your past.
5) I am really sorry that I haven't been around for you on MSN or texts lately, but you know that if i'm not around EMAIL ME and vent all you like. If you're worried about triggering me just put something in the subject of the email and I will read it when i'm ready to. I will ALWAYS read your emails on the day they are received. And I will always respond.
6) I love you honey - as you are - except I wish you could be happy etc, but what good friend wouldn't?! hehe - and you are NOT NOT NOT fat or disgusting. But I know from my own ED that that will not make any difference, me saying that. But hear this instead then: " Even if you were fat, ugly, whatever else... I would still love you. What you look like does not form any part in how I feel about you. What you look like will never be the reason why I love you so much. I'm your friend because of what you have on the inside of you. And that is extremely beautiful. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise!! "
7) Seven's a lucky number... So... Remember I'm here. Talk to me.

your mj.

 

[butterflies32]

Re: It might seem it but this is not pro ED. *Trig* a warning to those on the road to

:blub: :blub: :blub:

:blub: :blub: :blub:

thank you guys. Your right I do need a big hug. I am so scared and tired of having to fight all the time. I was given numbres today to ring up to get counseling that is free but I am scared to pick up the phone and ring them. I am who I am and sometimes infact since I was 14 my eating habits have been normal for me. Only till recently I took laxatives and I don't want others to because I get so low on them.

Mentally I am not healthy but physically I am blood tests say so until they say otherwise I cannot see how it is not helping me.

Both of you have spoken about the inside. A coincedence? I am not beautiful but inside I do not get how I can be beautiful in the inside. I am scared to be the person I want to be because I am this 'happy girl' on the front but I really want to feel it throughout my body inside and out. I dress nicely but it does not help my image to be beautiful. mj you have seen a pic of me so I am half and half on whether to believe you...even in that picture I am ugly and gross. I hardly look at it.
sweetsurender how can you tell that I am beautiful from my post? It is nothing but gloom.

Thank you both for your support. I am here for you both to.

:hug:

Sam
xxxx

 

[aimee32]

Re: It might seem it but this is not pro ED. *Trig* a warning to those on the road to

KEEP FIGHTING I CANT LIVE WITHOUT U HUNI PLEASE I LOVE YOU KEEP FIGHTING HERE WHENEVER U NEED A HUN

 

[butterflies32]

Re: It might seem it but this is not pro ED. *Trig* a warning to those on the road to

I will fight for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

:hug: :hug:

Love
Sam
xx

 

[SweetSurrender]

Re: It might seem it but this is not pro ED. *Trig* a warning to those on the road to

(((butterflies))))

You asked how i can tell that you are beautiful...because of what you wrote, because of the words you use, the meaning behind them....because i believe that deep down inside, beyond the darkness, there is a happy girl just waiting to come out. And i believe that when she does come out she will dazzle us all, because it takes someone with real strength of character to go through what you are. And for me that kind of strength is really inspiring and true beauty.

Please do not underestimate how difficult it can be. I perhaps do not know the eating side of your discomfort but i understand the depression, i understand the feeling of being unworthy, unlovable - and it is so painful. :sad:

I identify with you saying that it is 'who you are' - again perhaps not from the food side of things - but for years i had it programmed in my head that i should not even try and be happy because i would never amount to anything that was worthy of such an emotion. For so long i would not look in the mirror or wear makeup because i was too embarrassed - i thought that it would bring attention to me and people would start jeering at me and think that i wanted to be somebody, when i was nobody.

But admitting that you need some help does not mean that who you are right now will disappear. I still need my mask sometimes, it may not be the truth but it has allowed me to move forward in so many ways. I'm still learning that it is ok to sometimes let it fall, to tell the truth, to search for a different way to live and not to be embarrassed that i am vulnerable because we all are...we're just not letting anyone else see it too. It isn't easy, i understand, it has been 5 years since i first admitted to someone that i wasn't exactly who they saw and it has been a bumpy ride but it is possible.

Once you take that step you are already halfway there. That first step is definately the hardest. Please ring those numbers and get the help that you deserve. I understand that the last time you had a blood test you were healthy but everytime you take laxatives you take a risk with your life. And hun, you deserve more from life.

 

[butterflies32]

Re: It might seem it but this is not pro ED. *Trig* a warning to those on the road to

:hug:

Was rung by an ip hospital today...