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it must be me (warning- may trig? )

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThornThatNeverHeals, Jun 24, 2012.

  1. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    Yea, lets sum it up in three words- "FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

    if only you were that lucky.

    I know peepz are probs sick of my whining, my bullshit, and me playing my own violin, and ive tried to refrain, but screw it, im done. There is NO reason for me to keep living. I dont know why i hesitate, or stop myself. My family doesnt care. My therapist doesnt understand me. All the people i care for i cannot have any contact with, and i hate myself. I hear that voice in my head saying to me "you are such a fucking brat, you are a little wh*re, you are nothing but a pain in everyones ass, why are you still alive, why havent you killed yourself left.... there are tons of way you could do it.... you could ____ you could _____ you could ________ and nobody would care, noone would miss you for long, and there is no reasonf or them to have to deal with you still." god, i wish the little bitch in my head would just shut the fuck up, cuz im about to lose it. I dont think i can do this anymore. Ive cried for hours, and cried myself out, and all that there is left is the agonizing pain in my head, and the fucking little voice telling me what a worthless bitch i am. Like i dont know this already. Im ready to cut myself open. I dont care what they say, my therapist's little "what to do before you cut" list, yeah, i tried it, thanks but no thanks, sucking on a lollipop, holding a piece of ice, and listening to music IS NOT FUCKING HELPING ME. i cant do this anymore. period. i want to die. i need to die. Its the only way to shut my head up, to stop me from being aproblem to everyone else, and to just finally find an end.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    :hug: You aren't whiny, annoying, or anything like that---you are just letting out your feelings and that's ok. Sorry to hear you don't have much support and understanding, but we care about you here. We want you to stay safe and I hope that you will be able to find a way to distract yourself from the bad thoughts.
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Thorn - I am sorry I didn't read this before you hopped in chat yesterday. :hug: You are not whiney nor a "brat" - you are hurting and angry and you have every right to be. You do not have to tell yourself over and over that you are not allowed to feel how you feel. You are not worthless; you are none of the bad things you tell yourself over and over. I am sorry that you feel your therapist does not understand you. Therapy is a process and it is a long one - you have to stick with it and grit your teeth through the times you want to throw stuff.

    Remember its okay to scream and rant; there are no rules saying you have to hold this inside Thorn. Dealing with things alone so often makes them seem so large and unmanageable that even the thought of trying is triggering. We are here and you can yell and cry and rant and vent here and know that people hear you and people care. I am sorry that you feel so low, so angry with yourself at the moment. I maintain as I always have that there is nothing about you to warrant such dislike - to warrant any level of dislike.

    I know you will be strong because that is who you are - just know that you do not have to be strong alone. :hug:
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just to remind you how much caring there is for you here, myself included...hope you are feeling better today