It must be me!

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Nazza, Apr 15, 2008.

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  1. Nazza

    Nazza Guest

    He was my best friend for 3yrs. So gentle, so supportive, different from all the men i'd known an met. Made me feel safe an loved. He was the first i told of bein abused an raped in detail since i was 4yrs old till 20. He held me. Said they are sick. We got together an he knew i was touchy an we married still knew i didnt like exposing my nakedness an somethings i couldnt do. We had a few drinks an a disagreement, i was drunk, passed out in bed. In mornin he was sat next2me in bed with a cold look. Asked him whats wrong, he told me carelessly that while i was passed out he stripped me off, spread my legs licked my ass an pussy, fingered me an tried to fuck me but he couldnt get into me. I was shocked, numb, confused. How can this be real? How could he? My soulmate, my husband. I silenced myself cos he said he didnt think it was wrong. Thought i'd like it. Now 2n half yrs later we've had 2more kids an it has surfaced amongst the pain of all the other dirty fucking dogs who tamped with me. I wanna hit him an scream at him. I love him, he has been my rock. My everything, helped me thru alot. Talked2him bout my feelings, he now admits it was wrong. Understands if i wanna leave. Im only 25yrs had Fukd life, he's stuck by me. He cheated in beginnin an obsessed ova women an porn. Its driving me crazy! Dont know wat to do. Why cant i just forget it? Is he really sorry? He KNEW everything i'd been thru yet he still did it! It makes me sick. I hate it. I feel dirty every fucking day. He swears he's changed. . Could this be true? Why do i doubt him. Why am i insecure? Am i wrong for not trusting him and feeling this way. Everyone thinks he's an amazing husband and i love him. They dont know these things. Feel so alone in it all. . He raped me! Thats what the sexual therapist said. That makes me so sick. I am lost. Thinking of the way he'd flop my body around while im passed out doing all that. Picturing it makes me wanna Fukn die! Please help with any advice. . Anyone? I feel sorry for him with me bringing it up recently
  2. Nazza

    Nazza Guest

    I feel so stupid for posting this topic. I have spoke to a sexual abuse councillor on phone a couple of times an been on here for a while, took the courage to do it an i kept checking to see if anyone had responded. . How desperate am i? I never knew there were people who felt the same as i do. . But i just feel like a Fukhead. . Hate myself. . Feel so low. . I should of chickened out of posting this topic like my head kept telling me to. . Sorry people. Ive never done anything like this in my life. Take it easy. Nazza
  3. Crying All Time

    Crying All Time Well-Known Member

    Hun don't feel stupid. It was low of him to do that to you. But some things you can't take back. I see that you have 3 kids, you have to be strong because of them. They need their mummy live and sane.I know the life is hard, I cut myself almost every day, I smoke like hell, about 50 cigarettes a day, I'm depressed all the time and I have tried to kill myself 3 times. But I still struggle.
    I wish you all the best!
  4. Nazza

    Nazza Guest

    Thanks hey for respondin, i just dunno wat to do. He wants 2stay wit me, i Luv him, but i jus dunno how 2deal wit the thoughts, feelin like vomitin all da time. Makes it worse dat he knew how Fukd up i was from my past but then he goes an does dat! :-( i slashed up heaps thru my teens an up until a few yrs ago, but i been feelin like the relief lately. My arms r so scarred tho an i HATE Gettin judged for em. But i dunno wat to do bout my man, he's so beautiful, but why? How could he do dat? I wanna b with him but feel bad cos i have hatred towards him. I resent him for wat he did. I try to get over it an i cant! I start thinkin crazy, like dat he dun even care bout it. Wen Ive brought it up recently he says sorry an really means it but soon as topic changes he actin like nothin's up. . ? I need as much advice as i can get. Think its me bein a Bitch. Dunno wat to do :-( i wanna stay with him, but how is he ever gonna fix wat he done? He cant. . So how am i gonna get thru dis an wat should i do? Fuk i hate my life so bad.
  5. weegee

    weegee Active Member

    its not your fault its his rember that.

    since their are kids invloded it makes this really dificut. you cant comit suicide as your kids need you. i would sugest you stay with him for a bit and see if your feeligns toward him change. if not try a trial seperation cos im not sure if leaving him will help you, sure you wont have to see him but thats not going to make you forget what he did.

    to be honest i think he may regret what he did. since you told him about your rape beforte he should know how you feel, maybe he dosent want you to leave him so hes tring to make it seem like its no big deal.

    either way its up to you, the only options i can see are to stay with him or leave him.

    if you want to talk further msg me and i will give you my msn.
  6. Nazza

    Nazza Guest

    Thanks for the advice. In the beginning he didnt think it was wrong, he totally denied that is was not right. I found that repulsive. But recently bringing it up to him, he has expressed that he is so sorry and agrees that he raped me when he KNEW my history, knew he was violating our love, my trust for him. He said he was thinking with his dick. . He even has told me to talk on here about what he did and all. Ok, i understand he is sorry. . But WHY??? All them times he held me an cried with me when i told him bout all the men raping beating an headfucking me badly an all the Shit i'd been thru, he held me so tight. He said "noone's gonna hurt u again baby an its all gonna be ok. " then he goes an does that barely 3months into our relationship! Ugggh! Well anyways, truth come out bout one thing early hrs this mornin wen we made love, i told him my heart feels its makin love, but my thoughts override an i just think its nothing but fucking an im the whore who does all the right twists an turns an goes totally wild, makin sure i 'look' at him like a professional whore just to get him off. Then i just bust out in tears an he was speechless. He didnt know what to say but sorry. I appreciated it but said ya dun need to say sorry, im a whore an almost every male in my life has made me feel that way. I must have 'rape me, abuse me' stamped on my Fukn head! I started modelling but thought Fuk it cos i hate bein told im sexy an beautiful with a body to die for, even after my kids. Yea yea, im tall, skinny wit curves, dark hair, eyes, skin long hair, legs that go all the way up. . Sick of Fukn hearing it!! Feel more like a whore. . Im just Fukn mental! He is the icing on the cake but i do love him. Just think im gonna ruin it all with how i feel. Well, im gonna have a few drinks now. Have a shower an scrub myself to death! As Fukn always!! Still feel like a object. A whore. Been a whore since i was 4. Nothin's changed. An i dun even dress like one! Maybe i Fukn should! He has shattered me. My faith is ruined now in him. :(
  7. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    Why do you care what he did if you were passed out? You said you were married and that you are in love with him and he says he is in love with you.
  8. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    You should probably not go into this forum if you don't understand what rape does to people.

    :hug: Nazza, hun, it wasn't your fault, just remember that.
  9. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    What your husband did is low and pathetic. and for him to think it wasn't wrong is even more low.
    You have children which makes this situation difficult. I think what makes it hard for you is that you trusted him, you told him your fears, pains and your past yet he still did what he did. Maybe what you need is some time away from him since your thoughts and feelings due seem to be all over the place therefore it's hard to be rational and seek out what you want.

    I was going to say, trust your feelings and go with them but it's hard to do that with soo much in your mind.
  10. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    Dont lecture me. I am quite aware of what rape does to people. I wholeheartedly agree with Passion in that most people don't even know if they were raped. They have to actually ask others and based on what they say, they start freaking out. It's like my brother when I was young. He wouldn't mind if he fell down and hurt himself, but once he saw blood he started crying as if he was supposed to. It's just like this.

    Nazza, did it really bother you that your own husband had sex with you while you were passed out, or are you just upset because thats how people are saying you are supposed to feel?
  11. weegee

    weegee Active Member

    your not a whore. whores ask for sex you dident. i dont know what do say exactly. since he seems like he was sorry i dont know if it was honest but its got to be hard to fake what he did. maybe hes just a idiot like me who can say the wrong thing at the wrong time. or maybe hesa sick bastard and you should leave him. all could be true but its up to you about what you want to do or what you belive. beacuse its what you belive thats important. if you can deal with what hes done already maybe you should set some strict rules for him(unconditional) and if not its up to you. if you want to try and work over some of your issues thats a option and if you want to leave him thats also a option. just make him understand that it could go both ways. btw ima guy so this type of adive is hard to give, maybe i should leave it to the girls.
  12. Nazza

    Nazza Guest

    Thanks hey, well, tried talkin to him bout the options an my feelings an he fell asleep an started Fukn snoring! Nice! An o btw VIPER! People like u make me sick to my guts! I come here for Fukn support not to be told basically dat it is his RIGHT To do wat he did! Ya brother hurtin himself an dat 'example' u used is pathetic! I have kids an duh, kids r kids! Nothin to do with rape. . An did you even Fukn READ my posts!?!?! Well, educate yaself an READ AN ABSORB! Yea, wat, jus cos he my man, gives him Fukn AUTHORITY over MY body!!!! An yea, i knew it was Fukn sexual abuse wat he did! Duh, but cos Ive neva spoke of my sexual abuse just knowin that the word rape is associated in our relationship is SICK! An i dun think u kno jack bout any o it! Omg! U r such a . . . . Go jump ya made me Fukn SICK TO MY FUKN GUTS! Im Fukn outta ere b4 i say somethin2get me booted! But THANKS! I'll feel much betta NOW! Omfg!! Dis world is full o Fukn FREAKS! To all else, thank u so much. An bein da guy givin me advice, thanks. Helps to c from a male point o view too. . But i jus got dat SHIT stuck in my head from dat clueless . . . . ! Peace ya'll
  13. What the fuck is wrong with you people. What he did was sick and wrong and some of you here are saying it's fine that he raped her just because he's her husband...what is wrong with you?
  14. Fucked up, really, the world is fucked up. When you marry someone you don't purchase their body. So say, if you were sleeping and a guy came and started fingering and licking you in the ass, and then trying to rape you in the rear (since you're a guy) while you were passed out, and he says, nah its fine, I'm married to you, we got married last night while you were drunk, so it's completely ok. Then what would you say.

    And just to clear it up, no, he can not do whatever he likes to her, domestic abuse can be prosecuted in court and sexual abuse falls under that, look it up.

    Note point 2.

    Now all these accounts being set up and posting a single comment about how husbands can do whatever they want to their wives are just fucked up, I mean seriously, can we get some support in here or am I the only one who thinks this is wrong?
  15. Nazza

    Nazza Guest

    Oh my Fukn god! I just feel completely Fukd up! I thank the poster with all my heart midnight soul i think, sorry if im wrong im shakin an Fukd up! We got really drunk last night after 3wks off hell, eg, people think he dosent want me to get better, i have really bad anxiety which prevents me from leaving the house, but when i make steps he gets Shitty an starts goin wierd, but anyway, got drunk last night, i made out with him. Then we passed outan i woke bout 4am flat on my belly with him havin sex with me. I was hazy, he got himself off an then got off me an passed out again. Last time when he raped me, well. . According to a few people he didnt, he had had a few drinks but know what he was doing. When i told him this morning about what happened he looked shocked, an said he has no memory of it. . . Im so Fukn confused. . An have found myself this time consoling him an actually blaming the alcohol. . . Well, maybe my Fukd up head playin tricks with me hey. Maybe i should just do whatever. . I hate this Shit. By the way, we are 'spiritually' married- but not the whole registered thing. So up ya Fukn ass to the other people. An in australia, where i am i know he has no right to control my body. . Why do i feel like im bein attacked?? Mark, Ben, you should go Fuk each other! Ya's seem so twisted. . But i have so much self doubt now. . . I am confused as. . I feel like a Fukn twat! Omg! :-( i knew i had a bad feeling bout opening up bout my situations. . Sixth sense? Fuk im so crushed right now! Well maybe i should apologise to him an suck him off to make up for my feelings of betrayal! Fuk man im . . . . . . . Nothing
  16. Hmm nazza I really think you should go and talk to someone who deals specifically with this sort of thing, as in a professional. In my opinion, he is just doing what he wants with only his interests at heart. He knew how the last incident made you feel, and he does it again regardless. Even if he says he couldn't remember it in the morning, he knew what he was doing at the time, even if he was under the influence of alcohol, you can still stop yourself doing things you know outright that you shouldn't do - but apparently he's just decided that getting what he wants is worth the cost of hurting and destroying you. But that's just my opinion. But I definately don't think you should let him spin it around so you are consoling him, he was again in the wrong and he needs to both accept that, apologise and most importantly get it sorted that he doesn't do it again. If he can't drink without raping his partner while she sleeps then he shouldn't drink, and thats the price he should be willing to pay if he wants to stay with you.

    Thanks to whoever came and deleted the hateful posters btw.
  17. Nazza

    Nazza Guest

    I sent a message to management bout it. The words are still in my head. . He says he feels so guilty. Fuk i swear its ME who is crazy! Yeah, sure he's my man so yea, y not let him have my body like all the other dirty Fuk's have??? Mayb im so use to it. . Mayb sorry just dont cut it, but mayb sorry isnt needed. . ? I feel like im being controlled but in a loving way??? I feel Shit but cant escape any of it unless i just die. Wishing i'd die in my sleep is just not working. . I cant escape anything. . He been brought up that nothin his fault. Even if he kill'd someone innocent it wouldn b his fault. . I HATE this! He says sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry an make me feel bad. . An i do. Cos i Luv him. An now dat im distancing myself he all miserable an makin me feel worse! :-( pain pain pain pain pain pain PAIN! I feel so Fukn trapped, losin it, but oh, Fuk yea, on the outside i act cool calm an collective. . Keep it together. . When im alone i dont even allow myself to grieve anythin Ive been thru most of the time. . :-( :-( i wish someone would HELP ME pain pain pain it is KILLING ME! I cant do this gts my Fukn fault obviously! AgggGHhhhh :-(
  18. weegee

    weegee Active Member

    its not your fault. nothing that has happned to you so far is your fault. you need to get the out of their. you need normality, a break. read my pm and kick him out, thats the only way. you and your kids thats all you need. forgot men you have had to much trouble with them, you need to start fromt he begninng, just you and your kids away from all this. like Midnight-Soul said speak to a professional, their are phone services for this type of thing and if he gets all upity about the phone records go tell him to go fuck himself and why you had to phone someone.

    dont listn to his aploigys
    dont belive a word he says, always go for the worst case senario which is he did all the things he did intetionaly.
    and kick out becuase you need and deserve a better life no matter what you think about yourself at the moment you deserve better.

    i hope you realise its him and not you you have just been unlucky so far, you dident ask for this.

    im going to bed now and when i wake up i really want a PM from you telling me whats going on.
  19. Nazza

    Nazza Guest

    Weegee, i Pm'd ya, yea things r really Fukd!!!! How can he be so beautiful, but so the opposite? Its not making sense to me, he says he wants to help me!!!! Nice way of helpin me! :-(
  20. weegee

    weegee Active Member

    like i said in the PM dont listen to him. if he says he can change dont belive him, even if he does change because it wont last. soon you will be back in the same situation and looking back to when you could of left him. dont miss your chance and finishe it with him. you have your kids and people that love you so you dont need him(can you say that again to yourself) you need to get your life back and you cant do that with him.

    everyone here is suporting you including me i hope we can help you through this.
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