I can feel it all the time now. Its been inside me growing. Ive fought this battle before and won. Always these feelings return. I ran from them this time, ran far and fast as I could. Now, Im tired. Ive fought oh so long and hard and oh so many times it seems. I can't remember the first time I thought of suicide. I remember waking up every day, for years, the first thought in my mind a thought of killing myself. Every time I told myself Im not going to, no matter what. I was strong and I fought the good fight. And fought it again. Then years later again. So many times Ive fought these thoughts and I don't think I will ever truly win. Maby thats when people die no matter what the cause. When they just cant struggle with life anymore it finds a way to strangle them. Im so tired. Guess what happend when I woke up today. I realized it had been happening again. It's been happening for months. I try not to think about it and so I hadnt realized. I've been doing things to paint myself into a corner. Ive been burning up my savings, both money and emotion. Memories of a breif happiness a long time ago. Warmed over and rehashed in my mind untill the memories are worn thin and patched, used up. Like me. No more fight in me, everyone has their limits. Ill stand in the ring with this monster again. Go thrue the motions. Who knows, maby I will find a new striength. I don't think I will. Even if I do, what then? Im not even living life anyway. Always I am turned inward, fighting with myself to keep this body breathing. It would be so easy to dissappear.