It never ends...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Xistence, Mar 15, 2008.

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  1. Xistence

    Xistence Well-Known Member

    First off.. I want to apologize for posting this thread. I'm sorry for my pathetic whining, and I am not worth any kindness.

    I don't think there is any way out of the pain anymore. Every single day, it just keeps going on. All I can think about almost all of the time is killing myself. I just want the pain to stop.

    I don't know if there is any hope left. I already go to a psych, and she sent me to the hospital last time, but I'm not going back. I can't stand that freaking hospital.

    I have no idea what to do.. I can't get rid of the thoughts and I fear that it is only a matter of time before I actually attempt. I was close Wednesday, but the knife was a bit too dull, and I was kinda scared to press down harder.

    Like it would really matter... I'm worthless. I deserve every bit of pain that I am in right now. I deserve being so lonely all the time. I deserve it all.

    I will be remebered as that really smart, fat, ugly, sack of shit that used to sit by himself in the back of the class. The one who never truly opened up to anyone except online simply because he couldn't make himself do it.

    People keep telling me that I DO matter because I am a really kind and caring person, but all I see is a sorry, whining, hideous creep who isn't worth anything.

    Sorry again, but maybe you won't have to hear from me again.
  2. crisis4Life

    crisis4Life Member

    Hey, I feel like I am going through the exact same thing right now. Lately I just can't think straight, everything is pointless, worthless, and somehow every single thing turns into a thought of pain, like hurting myself or hurting others. But I've never actually gotten the courage to follow through on any of the feelings... which is reassuring, but also really frustrating.

    It's usually really hard to change your way of thinking, but if your friends see you as a kind caring person, then I am sure that you are. There is no reason to feel worthless. You are not in any way a whining creep... everyone has shit in their life, and you have every right to talk about it, and believe it or not, the shit will pass, and good things will come.

    You don't deserve the pain, you don't deserve the loneliness, nobody does. It sounds like your friends really care, they tell you that you matter, that you are a great person. My mom, when she found out I was depressed (back when I was like 7 years old) she got angry... Listen to your friends, we want you to stay around! And please don't ever feel you need to apologize for sharing your feelings. I'm around if you need someone to listen.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well, I want to hear from you again. If posting here helps you in any way, then I want you to keep posting. No one here would ever judge you or be cruel. We only want to help you and share your pain so that you can feel that you are worthy, just as worthy as we know you truly are.
  4. Xistence

    Xistence Well-Known Member

    Is it my fault that I'm depressed? Am I just too weak to deal with things? Honestly, if I could just "snap out of it" I would.

    It feels like death is the only way out.

    I don't want to be a burden to my friends and drive them away. I finally met people online who actually seem to care how I feel. My friends IRL all seem to not understand. Oh well.

    I don't think my death would really matter.
  5. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Did you ever think that maybe other people see you differently than you see yourself because their overall image of you isn't clouded by the natural self-doubt that all of us have?

    What I mean is that we all judge ourselves far more harshly than we judge anyone else. People have different ways of coping with their own self-doubt. Many people project it onto other people. That is, they single out people who display the characteristics they hate most about themselves and pick on them.

    Others will use it constructively and work on the things they don't like about themselves. Sometimes, people just get discouraged and marinate in their self-doubt. That is the problem many of us here on this forum have.

    But you should just remember that maybe not everyone sees you the way you see yourself. Think of yourself as an actor and your life as a play or a movie. A good actor isn't dwelling on the fact that he's just an actor and he or she isn't really the person they're portraying. The plastic sword they're wielding is as real as the audience believes it to be. If they do their job well, people won't see the props as props.

    What I'm saying is that a good actor believes they're who they're supposed to be and they can make everyone else believe it too. You just have to decide who you want to be. Your weight or appearance can't hold you down if you don't let it. The world loves people who believe in themselves.

    Most people are not who they appear to be. Everyone has self-doubt. The people who appear to be the happiest may not necessarily be. But if you can project that image, people will believe in you and you, and that will give you confidence.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2008
  6. marychris

    marychris Member

    Please hang on with us. I know that we are all here for you. I have been had the same thoughts for most of my life and I feel like they are never ever going to go away.
  7. Xistence

    Xistence Well-Known Member

    I need to take some pills or something.. maybe it will knock me out..

    It hurts so incredibly much right now.. :cry: I don't know what to do...
  8. x.R.x

    x.R.x Well-Known Member

    :hug: hang in there :sad: it might be hard to believe right now, but things will get better
  9. Xistence

    Xistence Well-Known Member

    I don't have a place in this world :sad:

    I'm just worthless trash.. I'm never going to have people around me that care and understand.. :sad: It hurts so much to feel unloved
  10. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    You aren't worthless. You have said some very kind things to me before. You are a good person. Thank you for your kindness. :hug:
  11. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    No, its not your fault. What your going through is just part of life. Some people get dealt the bad hand, you were one of them.

    Don’t criticize yourself so harshly. Others may see you much differently than yourself. Not everyone makes and keeps friends based on oh someone looks or who shy they are. Some people make friends based on how nice and caring people are, two qualities you possess. Give yourself a little bit longer to experience life before you deicide if you’re ready to give up.
  12. Xistence

    Xistence Well-Known Member

    It is so hard to hold on :sad: Life hurts so much.

    It is like I'm invisible. People don't bother to acknowledge that I am even there sometimes. My friends don't really seem to care...

    It doesn't feel like I have a place anywhere in the world... :sad:
  13. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean, it hurts...
  14. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    True. He isnt worthless, he is a good person. But why the others can not see that?
  15. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Your friends care about you, they might not showing that.
  16. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    People having different ways of showing that they love you. Some people just don't like showing thier true feelings or emotions. It doesn't mean that they don't love you. :hug:
  17. Xistence

    Xistence Well-Known Member

    I guess I wouldn't feel as bad about myself if I wasn't so hideous. :sad:
  18. Jewel 24

    Jewel 24 Active Member

    I just read your thread. I hope that you are feeling better. Hang in there! I know how you feel there are days I feel the same way and it is all I can do to hold on. You must hold on. Take it one day at a time. One hour at a time if you have to. When I am feeling that way I try to find things I can look forward to. Like when I wanted to check one time I remembered that I promised my little bro that I would go to his concert that night and I couldn't miss it. Or one time when I was feeling like kililng myself I went out and got some ice cream. I know these things might seem trivial but find something you can look forward to until you can actually feel better. Again hang in there. You are not alone and you really do matter!
  19. Xistence

    Xistence Well-Known Member

    I can't take the pain.. the pills are right there.. I can just end it, but I'm scared I will go to hell or something :sad: I'm a christian again, but would god forgive me?

    and if there isn't anything after death, then it doesn't really matter..

    I just don't know if I can hold on.. :sad:
  20. Bellabie

    Bellabie Member

    Here are our hands.
    Hold on to them,
    We can lift you up again.

    You are wonderful, friend.
    We love you. Many, many more do, also.
    Stay with us. You must give them time to let you know they care.
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