it never ends

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Brikka, May 26, 2009.

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  1. Brikka

    Brikka Member

    most of the time i wish and pray to die. and it doesn't happen and it makes me mad. i wish things could have been different. i don't want to be a depressive. i guess no one does. all i ever wanted was to be loved and happy...and it doesn't happen. and i am sick of not being validated. i understand that life is hard sometimes, and that everyone gets down...but most people aren't down all the time. most people don't wake up hoping that every single day is their last.

    i want to die so badly.
     
  2. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    i hear how much pain you are in and how frustrated you are with life. Its not fair, not at all. You deserve better, we all do. Hang in there and keep talking to us.
     
  3. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hear your pain too, and recognise all those thoughts and still have 'em they're just not so strong at the moment for me which is just a way of saying maybe things can change even a little for you. I dunno, wish I could help more. Just there are so many people who feel what you are feeling; this site it a testament to that.
    And I know when feeling like you do, no words make sense.
    Yeah hang there and talk....
     
  4. Brikka

    Brikka Member

    for some reason i posted this and forgot about it, (which is unlike me)...sorry

    swimmergirl - thank you for the support...it really means so much.

    KJAB - thank you for the reminder that it can get better, for the example that it has gotten better for you...I feel that you relate very much.

    thank you for some validation! i know that i have searched high and low for someone in real life to validate me, for someone else to understand...and the harsh reality is that most people don't...and then when i find someone else who understands this i end up becoming their main support person/system and all of my needs are swept under the carpet...

    to be honest, i am 26 years old and tired of life...i can't imagine living the rest of my life until old age...i am annoying, a bitch, a waste of space...i had all of the potential in the world and i ruined it by being a mental case...i have no self esteem because i have been hurt too many times in life by too many people. i feel that i am a bad person who deserves to suffer. and then it suffocates me to know that i can't be this "true self" in my real life. the only acceptable way for me to deal with depression and my suicidal thoughts is to hide them away...no one wants to hear about this, no matter how much they say that they love me. i used to think that people were inherently good, but then i got hurt too many times. and then when i went to therapy and they wanted me to work on trust issues it was bullshit...i mean, i wouldn't have these issues if it wasn't true...and i guarantee you that if i was my true self and shared my true feelings with my loved ones/friends they would flee in the opposite direction...and you know what? FUCK that and FUCK them!

    and it drives me crazy that i seem lazy because i'm depressed...and if i don't say anything about it, which i don't want to...then i do just seem lazy...but then i don't want to trust people with this either...i don't want to give anyone ammunition to hurt me again.

    and i read through this post and seem like a whiny bitch...and then hate myself even more...
     
  5. damaged goods

    damaged goods Active Member

    Brikka,

    You're not a whiny b****, just someone who's in alot of pain. Some people just can't understand the depth of your despair. I guess it's genetic wiring that some people get depressed and others don't.

    It helps to find others who understand, like people in this forum, or a therapist if you can find one you like. This is a good place to vent, and it can help just to have the freedom to honestly express yourself.
     
  6. You think you have it bad? I'm 32, older than you. I'm tired of MANY things in life, and I'm pretty sure I've seen more than you. I've been to every single continent on this planet, I've seen people from Colombia to Bangkok and in between. But I'm NOT tired of life, because I need to see more.

    You think you're annoying? Heck, I b1tch all the time to other people in my company about how things are being run like crap. As far as a waste of space goes, believe me, you're only a waste of space if you make yourself one. There's a thousand bums out there living under bridges, begging for money, feeding off the trashes thrown away by other people, but I'm pretty sure many of them wish to live and do not consider themselves a waste of space.

    And finally, as far as being mental case goes, well... in the past few days I went to work dressed in military clothes, and bare with me, I work for a Bank, i.e. we need to follow certain clothing requirements, but I went because I FELT LIKE I HAD TO THROW UP A RUCKUS! Yes, it turned some heads and some people felt awkward, but he11, it made me feel good.

    You see, it's the CRAZY things we do that make us feel good. So go out, do something nutty, who cares if people don't agree. The worst that can happen is that someone beats you up. SO WHAT if they do. Build some muscles, BEAT THEM UP IN TURN!

    Or maybe not... but really. I'm a person who is into "furries", I like to wear crazy costumes with cat ears and tails. So what if it makes people look at me, at least they ARE looking at me. That's life, either you go there and be someone and cause a ruckus, or you sit on the sidelines. It's time to just sit up and be crazy. It helps a LOT when you want to be suicidal, trust me.
     
  7. Brikka

    Brikka Member

    damaged goods - i guess i just wish that people would understand, i agree i think some people are genetically wired for depression. i am glad that i found this forum because i can't get into therapy until october because of my stinking insurance. i plan on definitely finding support here from people who do understand.

    Shinri_Shiogami - i am not trying to be rude, but your first paragraph comes off pretty condescending. i understand that other people have it a lot worse, but it doesn't make my pain any less. Just because I am 26 does not mean that I haven't "seen" a lot. One of the points of my post is that I admit that I am young and the thought of living the rest of my life is overwhelming. I am not meaning to attack you, please understand that. I know I do care too much of what other people think, and i am too tired to fight back so I just try to stay under the radar as much as possible. Maybe if I am little more myself I will start to feel better. That is a good idea, thank you.

    I am really trying, because I don't want my life to be a waste, I don't want to be depressed and suicidal for the rest of my life. It is just...hard. I am fighting with myself, and I am actually pretty proud of how far I have come. Since I came here I have gone from planning my suicide to now dealing with the thoughts...I need to own that progress.

    thanks for the support everyone
     
  8. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    You will definitely get that here :smile:. We all know where you're at :hug:
     
  9. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Brikka, I sense a strength there, well done...keep tryin' and we're all here (not all the time, but some one is all the time) so it is a resource...:cool:
     
  10. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    We live in a picky world, I know it sucks.
     
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