it never gets better

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kayla Ramsey, Jul 27, 2016.


Has anyone been through stuff like me & life's gotten better?

  1. Yes

  2. No

    0 vote(s)
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. Kayla Ramsey

    Kayla Ramsey New Member

    I'm 21... I live in a state with very few relatives. My mother never loved me and I've never known my father. I have been sexually abused for a good bit of my life. Every person i ever loved (family, 2 boyfriends etc) has treated me like garbage. I've miscarried 3 times and my boyfriend could care less. He's 29 & I've been with him for 4 years. Hes mentally abusive and controlling and my last boyfriend who was 10 years older than me was physically abusive. I've been on my own since I was 16 and in combination with how shitty my life is now & the pain from the past... I want to die. I just want to finally be at peace. I was diagnosed as having depression and PTSD. I listened to the lies believing the medicine would cure all my problems, the fucking medication doesn't work. If anything it makes me feel crazu and worst about my shitty situation. I told my family I tried to <mod edit - method> 4 times before and I was scared the next attempt I would succeed. They judged me, called me crazy. All I needed was a hug and someone that loved me to say it would be one ever did...I cry all the time because the emotional pain has become physical. I'm hurting & I'm in pain. This was not the way God intended for people to live. I want to be happy and live free but its never happened. I've tried meditation, therapy, church, switching religions, sex, drugs, alcohol and money. None of the shit works. I wasn't meant to be here and the sad part is if I kill myself people around me will just call me stupid. They wouldn't even cry. I just wonder what did I do wrong for life to suck as much as it always has. Tonight I was so close to <mod edit - method>. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't imagine what the neighbors would say. How weak people would think I am. I'm also scared; to me its either live or die and the in between is a vegetable. So when I do it I dont want to fail. Pills dont work <mod edit -method> & I'm still here. & that was just one time. The pain is unbearable and I'm so numb to things that should be fun. I don't even genuinely laugh anymore. I'm miserable but I'm too much of a coward to end it all.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2016
  2. Brittless

    Brittless All I loved I loved alone...

    Hello Kayla,
    First welcome to the forum. My name's Brittany. Your life has been a tough one and I have experienced some of your problems along with a string of unique ones. I'm pleased to say at this moment things are looking up. Nothing is permanent. It is in my opinion mostly our state of mind that keeps us in a perpetual state of fear, melancholy and so forth. But I do think.. while life hurts, we should give the possibility of help a try because as far as we know this is our only life. I can't say I completely understand what you're going through but as a person that has been so low that I have considered suicide, I can say I understand how all this pain and agony can feel like too much, can feel overwhelming. I'm sorry that you have to feel any of this for even a second.

    Also, in my personal opinion your boyfriend's an ass and not good for you. You deserve so much better. I think you should kick him to the curb. I think you need to be in healthy relationships where support and care are offered, but first you need to focus on yourself and getting better. You matter. Not what your boyfriend thinks, or your mother. You. Here we can offer support. It's not a fix all but we'll lend an ear. Or eyes. There are plenty of outlets that I find helpful here on the forums. Might wanna check 'em out.

    __d and Freya like this.
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    I am sorry that people keep hurting you. Is breaking up with your boyfriend an option. He does not sound healthy for you.
    __d likes this.
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hi Kayla, I am Mox

    I want to thank you for joining us and giving us a chance to help you.

    Man you have been through a lot and I am very sad to see such a young person go through so much. I am sorry you have miscarried 3 times, I can not know the pain you feel from those episodes.

    I think the boyfriend is toxic to your mental health. I am glad that you are able to see him for what he is and not thinking he is some prince charming or something. Has anyone ever just shown you love, without the abuse in some way? Can you safely get out of the relationship? and live with a friend or something? I understand the feeling of wanting to die very well, you are overwhelmed , it is like waves of depression and despair are just washing over you and you don't know how to make it stop. If it helps you can go to the my story forum and ready my story cherrily named "I just want to die" it may make you realize you are not alone in feeling the way you feel. You joined us we are going to help you any way we can.

    Do me a favor, keep a dairy of how you are feeling , you can post it on here if you like so no one can see it, but i feel like the negative feelings are turning into a poison and it slowly kills your happiness.. Are you able to see a therapist of some sort? I feel like that would be great for you to get some professional help.

    We are here to help you , we will not judge you, we will not call you crazy, we will not make fun of you. you are among friends, kindred spirits if you will.

    Take Care of Yourself
    __d likes this.
  5. __d

    __d Active Member

    Hi Kayla

    Thank you for your courage and trust in us to share your story. And I am sorry to see you've been suffering so much by such an early age.

    Kayla you deserve a good life. Those who push you to thinking otherwise, they don't deserve you. Particularly, I second Brittney: your boyfriend is an ass. Leave him.

    Next, if you ever need someone to talk to, you will find more than one in here. And if you ignore the electronic interface you can easily get wholehearted hugs as well. You are not alone.

    You Can live well, Kayla. There have been external factors pulling you down into a mess and that's why even with meds you have found yourself at the same place. But you don't have to let the same environment consume you. Change your environment. Spend time with people who respect you. There are a lot of things you can do but please don't destroy yourself for other people's wrong actions or judgements. That's not fair!

    We are here with you.
    Hugs. And hugs again.