I'm 21... I live in a state with very few relatives. My mother never loved me and I've never known my father. I have been sexually abused for a good bit of my life. Every person i ever loved (family, 2 boyfriends etc) has treated me like garbage. I've miscarried 3 times and my boyfriend could care less. He's 29 & I've been with him for 4 years. Hes mentally abusive and controlling and my last boyfriend who was 10 years older than me was physically abusive. I've been on my own since I was 16 and in combination with how shitty my life is now & the pain from the past... I want to die. I just want to finally be at peace. I was diagnosed as having depression and PTSD. I listened to the lies believing the medicine would cure all my problems, the fucking medication doesn't work. If anything it makes me feel crazu and worst about my shitty situation. I told my family I tried to <mod edit - method> 4 times before and I was scared the next attempt I would succeed. They judged me, called me crazy. All I needed was a hug and someone that loved me to say it would be okay....no one ever did...I cry all the time because the emotional pain has become physical. I'm hurting & I'm in pain. This was not the way God intended for people to live. I want to be happy and live free but its never happened. I've tried meditation, therapy, church, switching religions, sex, drugs, alcohol and money. None of the shit works. I wasn't meant to be here and the sad part is if I kill myself people around me will just call me stupid. They wouldn't even cry. I just wonder what did I do wrong for life to suck as much as it always has. Tonight I was so close to <mod edit - method>. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't imagine what the neighbors would say. How weak people would think I am. I'm also scared; to me its either live or die and the in between is a vegetable. So when I do it I dont want to fail. Pills dont work <mod edit -method> & I'm still here. & that was just one time. The pain is unbearable and I'm so numb to things that should be fun. I don't even genuinely laugh anymore. I'm miserable but I'm too much of a coward to end it all.