It never goes away, huh? (trigger maybe)

It has been almost two years since the event, and everything is still just as fresh as the night it happened. I'm starting to fear it will never go away, that I will never forget it.

I see all these TV specials about rape and how brutal it can be and I can't imagine what those victims are going through. I don't lump myself in that category too often. There was nothing to report, nothing that would be taken seriously. You see, I was what you might call date raped I guess. I was with one of my friends celebrating his birthday and I too much to drink (he made sure of that) and before I knew entirely what was happening he was just on top of me, and I couldn't push him off. I called my best friend once he'd left and she was happy for me, she didn't understand.

He was one of my best friends and I loved him more than anyone and now it makes me shudder to think about him. Not only have I lost a part of myself (and completely flip out when any guy tries to kiss me) I have also lost a friend.

I haven't really told anyone about everything that happened with my emotions at full disclosure because I'm scared they won't believe me, that they'll say I wanted it, or that people who have been hurt worse than I have will just write me off. Why else would I have been alone with him?

I guess what bothers me the most is that I still wonder myself. Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Did I want it? Why couldn't I stop him?

It's been a long time, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't ask myself all of those questions and feel guilty for hurting the way that I do. I don't know how to move forward. I feel so stuck.

 

i'm really sorry you were hurt
you are not responsible
it is entirely his fault. he took advantage of the fact that you were drunk. when you are as drunk as you were, you can't give consent. that's rape, pure and simple.
your story is as bad as anyone else's. it's not a competition. you were violated.
and you lost a friend, too. i'm so sorry.

 

I am so sorry you are feeling this guilty.

Rape is never your fault. Violation is violation. Sometimes the worse part of a violation such as this is the betrayal of trust.

Building your ability to trust again and understanding when and where to trust is one reason this is so hard....

Moving forward will involve processing what happened until you can separate out and be sure what your beliefs are about what happened. The fact that it happened will always be there - what it means to you and how it effects your present and future relationships can be changed. Getting help - counseling can help you.

Be kind to yourself though, it doesn't help to emotionally and mentally beat yourself up - that will only prolong the suffering and stop the ability to resolve this.

 

It really does never truly go away unfortunately. We just learn to cope with it better and it slowly loses it's power with the help of counseling, healing and time.
This was not your fault. You should not feel guilty for anything including feeling the hurt and pain. Of the rape but it being someone that you loved ad trusted.
Have you sought counseling at all? If you haven't maybe it's time to get some outside to help process your feelings and learn to let people close to you again. Also some recommended reading "Healing from trauma" by Jasmin Lee Cori.

 

Thanks everybody for all the support, advice, and understanding.

I really haven't tried to process things yet, and I think that is my biggest hurdle ahead of me. I've realized that I can't do it alone anymore, and that having all of these feelings bottled up for so long has ruined a lot of potential romantic relationships and just plain friendships. I live in a pretty small town, and so far the worst thing has been seeing him around. Last semester we even had a class together. I hate it. Every time I see him it's like the best f-ing day of his life and it just kills me. I'm not giving up though. I'm gonna fight and get help and get my life and my trust back again. Period.

 

I was raped too, by an ex boyfriend. The thing is, I had invited him over there. We were kinda broken up, but were gonna talk things out. Instead he took pills, got very drunk and rude. My friend was there and he had sex with her. Of course I didn't want to even touch him after this because I was disgusted by him. I tried to leave but he used physical violence to keep me there and he refused toleave himself. He tried to strangle me (yes, pretty extreme huh?) and raped me when I said no to sex. My "friend" had left at this point. When I talked to my "friend" the next day and mentioned it she said I was lying and that I was stupid. She also wondered why I was mad at her for having had sex with my ex and showing me no support what so ever.

That really stung. The thing is I had always been on her side, always showed her support for every stupid little so called problem she went through, and in a situation like this she not only doesn't take my side against his abuse, but she has sex with him herself? Some friend.

I have never told anyone about this stuff. Peoples natural reaction is that the girl is lying, or so it seems. And... I don't want people to know about it. It's personal. Do I feel shame? Not about being raped, but about having been stupid enough to invite him over there, to at all be with a guy like that. The thing is that he was abusive towards me before we broke up, but I kept going back for a while. I feel shame about how weak I was at that point I guess. I didn't have anyone except him and my "friend". So nice friends tehy both were ....

Anyway, didn't mean to make a novel out of this. Just that you're post brought back some memories. Somehow, I never think of myself as a rape victim, because the idea of rape in my head is pretty much to be jumped in an ally. Not by some abusive (ex) boyfriend. Also, I hate being a victim, period.