It has been almost two years since the event, and everything is still just as fresh as the night it happened. I'm starting to fear it will never go away, that I will never forget it. I see all these TV specials about rape and how brutal it can be and I can't imagine what those victims are going through. I don't lump myself in that category too often. There was nothing to report, nothing that would be taken seriously. You see, I was what you might call date raped I guess. I was with one of my friends celebrating his birthday and I too much to drink (he made sure of that) and before I knew entirely what was happening he was just on top of me, and I couldn't push him off. I called my best friend once he'd left and she was happy for me, she didn't understand. He was one of my best friends and I loved him more than anyone and now it makes me shudder to think about him. Not only have I lost a part of myself (and completely flip out when any guy tries to kiss me) I have also lost a friend. I haven't really told anyone about everything that happened with my emotions at full disclosure because I'm scared they won't believe me, that they'll say I wanted it, or that people who have been hurt worse than I have will just write me off. Why else would I have been alone with him? I guess what bothers me the most is that I still wonder myself. Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Did I want it? Why couldn't I stop him? It's been a long time, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't ask myself all of those questions and feel guilty for hurting the way that I do. I don't know how to move forward. I feel so stuck.