It never goes away

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lonerinlife, Jan 16, 2009.

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  1. lonerinlife

    lonerinlife Member

    I've lost all of my friends, never leave the house, have no job, slacking on getting my GED, feel like a loser for being 19 and leaching off parents, the most lonely ive ever been, feel like crying every day, fear talking to people.... barely talk to my parents because of SA phobia and AS and it hurts me knowing i hurt them because of my issues... I just want it to end some times... now more than ever. I know I can obtain my GED and get a job, but what happens after that? I'll still have no friends and probably won't live on my own... All of my ex friends are way ahead of me while I just workout all of the time, and remain a selfish piece of crap for doing this to everyone and myself. I feel so embarrassed being with my family in most of what I do, it feels like I cannot do a lot of things by myself that most people are. Mostly because im nervous, or haven't done something most people learn at an early age.... I'm so ashamed of myself and I've tried so much to keep my head up... but it just won't quit... Is there any place i can receive help, that will not require me being locked up somewhere...? I have aspergers, depression, and social anxiety that I know of. Any program?... Any real life-in person support to help me?... I've been considering benzos, I've tried literally over 30 types of pills in my age, yet no benzos, and I'm desperate enough to try them for awhile... I need something to somewhat sedate me, calm me down... My heart is pounding often, and i think my heartbeat is often irregular. I'm a F****** mess....
     
  2. lonerinlife

    lonerinlife Member

    I realize that was a bit too much to read and I apoligize for sounding typical... But it is in fact all true, and I am just looking for help as during these times I am at my complete worst, and have feared this was how it would end up. I am doing my best to get my GED, although it is a very slow process since I have so much pent up emotion. I also am working on getting a cheap studio apartment and have a good old best friend in mind to call, perhaps two, who I haven't seen in over a year. But this is so much, so long, so much waiting, I feel pathetic and guess I could use a good reply... with people who've exprienced the same.
     
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi lonerinlife and welcome to SF. :welcome: I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so awful. I think that getting your GED is a great way of improving your situation. After you get your GED then you will have a better opportunity getting a decent job. Getting a job will allow you to save up some money. :hug:
     
  4. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member


    no need to apologise.. sometimes it takes a little while for people to answer. i hope you find the support you need here. what do you feel would help you? i have not experienced the same really so cannot reply in the way you need but i am sure someone can. stick around... its never pathetic to ask for help, it is brave

    sam x
     
  5. lonerinlife

    lonerinlife Member

    I don't know, that is the problem. I have tried therapy, from two different therapists. They didn't work very well. They mostly talked about things which I have already comforted myself with. I've alwyas lied to them about wanting to kill myself, though. My family would be devastated and disappointed to no end... Today I told my mother I'm getting serious, and I want to find a place of my own. She said she'll talk with my legal guardian, and who knows how that will go. I can do that, considering I have SS. But, my main goal is to make a living off of my own work, as opposed to living off for free. Everything seems against me... If I get a job, I won't get as much money and will not be able to support myself. College will aqke forever and I doubt I'd be able to pass.
     
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