It never got better and I don't think it ever will.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dawn, Aug 6, 2012.

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  1. dawn

    dawn Guest

    This is my first time visiting this or any other forum on this subject even though it's something that's been a battle for me since I was a pre-teen. I don't want to bore to tears with a full length novel on my life but I was a mess growing up. I was abused at home and bullied at school. I literally had no safe environment to go to. I ended up withdrawn, self-loathing, and severely depressed. My first actual attempt was when I was fourteen but I had been self-harming for ages by then. It landed me in a psyche ward.

    I was told by several people that it would get better and I would be missing out on so much if I were to die at the tender age of fourteen. While it's true that I have children that I adore, the rest of my existence has been an utter bleak and unending nightmare since then. I honestly must be one heck of a masochist to have been able to withstand the onslaught of pain and stress that permeates my daily life. The worst part is that I have not only seen no improvements in my situation but also no way out of this sinkhole that is enveloping me.

    I can't do this forever. I love my children more than a million of myself but I truly feel broken. I feel run down. Tired. Emotionally, I feel like I have been battered and bloodied far beyond what I have ever dreamed possible. I was given more shocking news today along with impossible expectations imposed upon me by the sociopath that has gained control over my life. If I don't comply with their demands I (and my children) will end up homeless and penniless yet my chance of success is so slim that I'd probably be just as likely to win the lottery. It's been enough to push me right over the edge and into panic mode. After years of refraining from self-harm, I find myself totally compelled to the point of obsession to start back up.

    Someone once asked me if I was afraid I'd end up in hell if I killed myself. The truth is that I don't because it couldn't be any worse than this.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Dawn,and there anyone who can help you? No sure where you live, but in the US there are pro-bono lawyers, and some good social services...maybe, someone assisting you with the children might also relieve some stress...again, respite care is available...I am so sorry for what you are going through and I hope you know you do not deserve any of this (yes, I can say that sight unseen, as I can tell from your post, and I have been here over 7 yrs)...please continue to post and tell us what is going on...there are many members who can relate to what you have written...welcome again, and thanks so much for sharing with us
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, dawn. Sounds like you have a lot going on. I'm glad you came here because lots of people can offer you support. Having a professional help at the moment - a therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist - might help you get through these rough times as well as talking to us here.

    It sounds like you're in a very difficult situation. It's hard to make suggestions without knowing a little more about who is making demands on you and what they're demanding. Perhaps you could tell us a little more.
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