This is my first time visiting this or any other forum on this subject even though it's something that's been a battle for me since I was a pre-teen. I don't want to bore to tears with a full length novel on my life but I was a mess growing up. I was abused at home and bullied at school. I literally had no safe environment to go to. I ended up withdrawn, self-loathing, and severely depressed. My first actual attempt was when I was fourteen but I had been self-harming for ages by then. It landed me in a psyche ward. I was told by several people that it would get better and I would be missing out on so much if I were to die at the tender age of fourteen. While it's true that I have children that I adore, the rest of my existence has been an utter bleak and unending nightmare since then. I honestly must be one heck of a masochist to have been able to withstand the onslaught of pain and stress that permeates my daily life. The worst part is that I have not only seen no improvements in my situation but also no way out of this sinkhole that is enveloping me. I can't do this forever. I love my children more than a million of myself but I truly feel broken. I feel run down. Tired. Emotionally, I feel like I have been battered and bloodied far beyond what I have ever dreamed possible. I was given more shocking news today along with impossible expectations imposed upon me by the sociopath that has gained control over my life. If I don't comply with their demands I (and my children) will end up homeless and penniless yet my chance of success is so slim that I'd probably be just as likely to win the lottery. It's been enough to push me right over the edge and into panic mode. After years of refraining from self-harm, I find myself totally compelled to the point of obsession to start back up. Someone once asked me if I was afraid I'd end up in hell if I killed myself. The truth is that I don't because it couldn't be any worse than this.