It never rains but it pours..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Dante, Mar 21, 2016.

?

How much longer do YOU think I will last before shutting down or going mental?

  1. You will crack before morning

    50.0%
  2. 1-3 days

    50.0%
  3. 4-7 days

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. 1-4 weeks

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  5. I am an optimistic idiot who thinks the world is made of kittens and fairy farts. aka: over 4 weeks

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. Dante

    Dante Well-Known Member

    About 3 weeks ago I was about ready to fall apart from depression, anxiety and stress, I had reached what I thought was my limit, then the pressure started piling on.

    I hate interviews, they are my Kryptonite, if you could name the number 1 most stressful thing you could put me through, after living with my dad, an interview is a decent 2nd place, at least it only lasts an hour, but over the last 3 weeks I have been having more and more, I never seem to get anywhere with them but they dont stop coming, more and more and more, people are shocked when they hear how many interviews I am having, sometimes several in a day, each I have to prepare for, learn about the company, and try to suppress a freak out and find the motivation to keep going, it would maybe be not so bad if I believed for one second I may get a job out of all this, but I dont.

    The pressure is just too much, I have scraped the bottom of the barrel so many times I'm just about through the wood and into the floor beneath and I'm still coming up short; every tiny trick I have ever figured out to motivate myself, every little support mechanism that ever worked, every last ditch push, every tiny piece of myself twisted into knots in order to keep myself from stalling and just giving up.

    How long can 1 person refuse to break? Its been 2 years in the unenviable predicament which, to my knowledge, has broken every single person who found themselves in it, but even worse because I am the last person left in the world who is stuck with him, I am mentally and physically wrecked, I shake and twitch, my chest always hurts from the repeated blasts of adrenaline and 120+ heart-rate I have to live with, even in my dreams I am persecuted by an Orwellian force bent on breaking my spirit and now for 3 weeks the pressure just hasnt stopped mounting.

    So lets count the ways that I am fucked

    1) I am stuck living with my dad, a man who has successfully broken every single person he has decided to socialise with (the whole world owes God a debt of gratitude for making him an introvert) I cannot understate the hell he puts people through just by spending time with them, made doubly bad by the fact that it is impossible to explain to others what he does which is so terrible and so others dismiss it as "not that bad".

    2) My nightmare is happening over and over: I'm an Aspie with so many interviews that I'm practically having 8 hour days just fitting them all into a week with not enough time to even prepare for them not to mention how little motivation I have to even get up in the morning let alone iron my suit, polish my shoes, research a dozen companies and spend all week interviewing for jobs I know I wont get.

    3) My antidepressants arent working and I dont have time to see the GP to fix them or sort out something for my growing and increasingly crippling anxiety

    4) BOTH mental health professionals I have seen immediately went abroad after our first session have neither are back yet.

    5) I can barely sleep from the pain in my chest and the screaming in my head which has come to define my whole being meaning I am constantly sleep deprived.

    6) If, for a SECOND, I let slip that all is not fine when I am at home, my dad will make things either 2 times, 3 times or 10 times worse (3 possible scenarios, none are good)

    I have an interview tomorrow morning and if I don't go I can name 3 separate people who will tear me a new one and yet I can barely find the will to just hold on, at least the first time I was depressed I could go home and let myself fall apart, now I cant even do that, I have to keep the mask on every second of every day, I have to smile to the man who tore down my world and pretend all is fine.

    I cant do this, I'm using every single part of me to keep going, recesses of my mind and reserves of strength I didn't even know I had, I have come to know myself better in the last 2 years than I ever have before just so I can use every tiny part of myself to keep going and it is just not enough.

    1. I must keep going
    2. I cant keep going
    3. Go to 1
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I wish there was something I could say that would make this easier on you. Interviews throw me into a panic, and I'm not dealing with half of what you are. So I can't imagine how they must make you feel. Just offering a listening ear if you need to talk.