It only hurts when i breathe after all

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sexi-Cat, Oct 22, 2010.

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  1. Sexi-Cat

    Sexi-Cat Account Closed

    I don't really know what to say actually...I think my title pretty much covered it all. I'm normally a very good writer, but I've been blocked for months.
    I guess One might tell that by the fact that the second sentence made no sense.
    It should have been:
    'I normally write very well, but I have had writers block for months.'
    I always make silly mistakes like that. Stupid. Ones that i should have stopped making back in grade three. I'll never be a great author if I can't even master simple sentence structure.
    Your probably wondering by now, "it only hurts when i breathe" what does that title have to do with any of this.
    Well, I'll answer you.
    I breathe, and it's like no air is going into me. I know that there is oxygen going into my lungs, but that's not what I mean. I mean AIR. Like, when you're angry and you take a deep breath and it calms you, or when you're crying and you just try and breathe to slow down.
    Or like, when people say "go away i just need some space to breathe" but they're not really being crowded physically. That's the kind of air that I mean. I can't get it.
    It's like this.....force...or pressure is just building up inside of me and I can't do anything to let it out!
    I used to write, but even that didn't always work, and now I find that I can't write.
    I cut......sometimes...and I don't WANT to...they (people, doesn't matter who just call them they for now) told me, I'm too old to be doing this. When am I going to mature? but i TRIED to stop, and it always only lasts for a little bit. I keep going matter what. I don't want to die by cutting, it just makes me feel a little bit better. Like, alcohol..which I drink as well.
    My boyfriend hates them both. He thinks I'm an alcoholic. For the record? I'm not.
    I just feel like, I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
    No more stress, feeling like i have to be perfect, no more perfect bodies..none of that bull shit that makes me feel like...well, like shit!!
    Every story in the world has a beginning, a middle and an end.
    I'm way past the beginning....where is the end? Can I find it now please??

    there....i dunno if I said everything right...but I said it....most of it....Thats not everything but...does it have to be?
  2. lurktheshadows

    lurktheshadows Well-Known Member

    oh god love, I know this story, I know every word.

    I know every torturous moment...

    writing was the only thing I was ever good at...and I can't do it any more either. There's this congestion within my mind, that pinches neurons and saturates my thoughts, and it whispers inane things, and it numbs everything it touches, it is malevolent and brutal..and I invited it. I allowed it to seep into me because I couldn't handle myself, I couldn't cope with my thoughts, I couldn't cope with the ideas that sprung from within me so prolifically.

    And now there is no catharsis, there is no healing, there never was.

    We have to release this "pressure" somehow.
    And we will, we will by moving writing little bits each and every day, and then stowing them away...and never criticizing.
    We will love ourselves, when we feel no one else cannot.
    We will love ourselves always...someday.

    And you are mature.
    My mother cut herself ..even three years ago I caught her...she was 35, that was the last far as I know...she's my beloved pale tiger..stripes so beautiful and painful.. dissecting her limbs.

    You are mature because you're here now writing to us, seeking help, seeking solace.
    You are attempting to survive.

    I also want to slip into perpetual slumber, I also want to die..and as we see here...many many many people do as well.
    And we are all searching for joy
    and we are all searching for love
    and we are all searching for purpose will find them...I know, I know you will because they're there...somewhere coerced into concealment in your your it's different for everyone: trauma, insecurities, violence, hatred...
    we can excavate, we can liberate ourselves

    it's never to late to start again
    just wake up tomorrow, and start again. Write again.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    breathing meditation practice?
  4. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Frey everything you write is fucking poetry. Only you could make a post of not being able to write well written
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