1. Go to my psychiatrist appointment on Monday with the end result being lock up (permanently, I severely fear, albeit irrational) 2. Run away (and do what???) 3. End it! (which is what I feel driven to) The details: I am bipolar, type I, and have been actively struggling with it since Christmas 2004. I have been hospitalized 8 different times for it (sometimes due to mania and sometimes due to depression) and it is getting harder to pick up the piece after the mania and I'm so utterly sick of the depressions. The bipolar monster that lies in wait is capable of so much damage and my control over it is so very tenuous. I know there will come the day when the damage will be irreparable. Way before I was diagnosed I had this nightmare which brought to the surface and gave form to a strangling fear. In this nightmare I was permanently locked up in a psychiatric hospital, and then I became catatonic: did nothing and talked to no one. Waking from it brought me no comfort. This fear has never left me; in spite of the fact that I've been inpatient before and been released (longest stay was 3 weeks); in spite of the fact that I know this rarely if never happens to bipolars in this decade. This time the fear is suffocating. Not only this but I fear what my reaction would be if pressed with hospitalization now, it'd only add to the doctor's resolve I'm sure. Here come the white coats, strait jackets, and padded walls. I feel highly impulsive. The instinct to run is quite high, but like I said, don't I'd do next. I'd most-likely still end up back at #1. Then of course there's #3. Which is what my brain has been telling me for the last several days. And now even the faces in this magazine next to me are taunting me laughing too. Plan? No, no hard and fast plan. But at every turn there's a new impulse. <Mod Edit:IrishDoll, Methods> Part of me still manages to clamp my eyes real tight and make the thoughts and images go away. Part of me wants to give in. The household is about to wake up, so I won't be on for awhile until after they leave.. But I will at least check back here in about an hour and a half.