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It seems I have 3 choices...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tallyn75, May 14, 2010.

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  1. Tallyn75

    Tallyn75 New Member

    1. Go to my psychiatrist appointment on Monday with the end result being lock up (permanently, I severely fear, albeit irrational)

    2. Run away (and do what???)

    3. End it! (which is what I feel driven to)

    The details:

    I am bipolar, type I, and have been actively struggling with it since Christmas 2004.

    I have been hospitalized 8 different times for it (sometimes due to mania and sometimes due to depression) and it is getting harder to pick up the piece after the mania and I'm so utterly sick of the depressions.

    The bipolar monster that lies in wait is capable of so much damage and my control over it is so very tenuous. I know there will come the day when the damage will be irreparable.

    Way before I was diagnosed I had this nightmare which brought to the surface and gave form to a strangling fear. In this nightmare I was permanently locked up in a psychiatric hospital, and then I became catatonic: did nothing and talked to no one. Waking from it brought me no comfort. This fear has never left me; in spite of the fact that I've been inpatient before and been released (longest stay was 3 weeks); in spite of the fact that I know this rarely if never happens to bipolars in this decade. This time the fear is suffocating. Not only this but I fear what my reaction would be if pressed with hospitalization now, it'd only add to the doctor's resolve I'm sure. Here come the white coats, strait jackets, and padded walls.

    I feel highly impulsive.

    The instinct to run is quite high, but like I said, don't I'd do next. I'd most-likely still end up back at #1.

    Then of course there's #3. Which is what my brain has been telling me for the last several days. And now even the faces in this magazine next to me are taunting me laughing too.

    Plan? No, no hard and fast plan. But at every turn there's a new impulse. <Mod Edit:IrishDoll, Methods> Part of me still manages to clamp my eyes real tight and make the thoughts and images go away. Part of me wants to give in.

    The household is about to wake up, so I won't be on for awhile until after they leave.. But I will at least check back here in about an hour and a half.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 14, 2010
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I;m sorry you feel this way, but ending it is never the option to take. I think you should go to your psych and be honest with them, I know of people who live with bi polar and are able to manage it well with meds, it takes a long time to find the right mixture tho.
    Stick around, talk to us, we will try our best to help you :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I like option one as well go to your doctor explain wht is going on. Tell him you need better medication okay there are meds out there that can give you your life back. Face the monster inside and get it treated so you can live more peacefully okay let us know how it goes
  4. Tallyn75

    Tallyn75 New Member

    Choice #4 is emerging.
    russian roulette blend of all three. Panic, throw everything up in the air and bolt.
  5. summerschild

    summerschild Well-Known Member

    I don't have manic depression so I can't say I know how you feel. But if what I have been told is true then our depressive episodes are the same (major depressive disorder, ptsd, and suicidal ideation here) so that part I can understand. I hope you don't take options 2 or 3. Please talk to your doctor. Like the others have said getting the right meds takes time. Please give it that time. Have you told your doctor about your nightmare? If not maybe you should. But please reach out to him/her for help. You deserve to have a happy life and I want to do all I can to help you get it. And I'm not the only one. All of us here feel just as I do. I'm here to talk if you want to PM or email me. And please remember to take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. :hug:
  6. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    5th option...none of the above.
  7. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    I really relate to you here and feel your pain. I too have bipolar 1 and it is hell to live with but with the right med mix your life can be more peaceful.

    Please see your pdoc Monday and be completely honest with him. hospital is not the only option he will give, depending on what you say to him of course.

    I've just started Lithium with Seroquel and it seems to be working so please be open-minded to what he reccommends..........all the very best and please pm if you want to chat........shaz........
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