Hi, I'm Alex, I'm 24 and I feel paralyzed all the time. I can still walk, I can still watch tv, play lonely little games, talk to people (rarely). But I feel that even though there is a chance that life will be happy, I would simply prefer to do the easy thing and jump off a bridge, even though I don't feel that I have the energy to do even that. I find myself hoping for that temporary insanity and melodramatic urge to simply do it, and stomach the terror and the goodbyes long enough to do it in private, take everyone by surprise. Since I graduated college last summer, every thing has slowed down and I don't feel at all ready for adult life, in any interaction will people I simply freeze, I realize that getting a job might make everything feel more meaningful, more productive, as would moving out of my parents house, but I don't want to face the pain of growing up, I quite frankly don't have it in me, I envy and hate those that can function professionally, socially, sexually, romantically, taking the bad days with the good. If there were an option to start again as someone else I would take it. But I have grown to be a person that does not fit in the world, there is a bully in me that despises my cheap escapism and helpless selfishness, but the only alternative that he offers is to be like him, to be a person that succeeds at the expense of the child in me. I'm have bipolar disorder and occasionally in my life when I feel at my most hopeful, ingenious and energetic I feel blissful, but the downswing of that is that I have gone crazy, and yelled and obsessed and made decisions that seemed to be beautiful at the time, but were frightening to everyone else and because of that I have pushed nearly everyone away from me while my depression pulls me away from everyone. When I fall in love, when I truly want to be with another person I puff myself up, pour my heart out, and then when I don't get what I want, I explode in a mixture of despair, humiliation, ecstasy and relentless expression. I have found myself to seek out these horrible relationships many times, not because I want to be a good person, but just because I want to get high. I can't be in a relationship or be with anyone for any period of time, it would cause me to panic, I wouldn't be myself. Though this whole thing feels like an exaggeration, my inertness does not, when depressed, I once read, the body sends a signal to the brain that it is dying, and then the brain does the same thing to the body, and it's a feedback loop, only to be changes by the whims of a new idea that might work to save you, or the introduction of a new stressor or element to your miserable dying body. I still hold out hope for the idea that I might catch a break psychologically, but in the meantime I mostly idealize about suicide. I am on the computer constantly. I am on facebook and reddit, both walls of energy and motion that I live vicariously through. I play online games, because I am too cheap to buy any games, I download comic books for the same reason. I smoke heavily, I avoid people. I am a molecule in the river of internet traffic, having nothing worth saying, nothing to draw attention to me, or for anyone to really give a fuck. I feel aggravated by the fact that if I don't kill myself tomorrow, than I will have to stumble through more depression until I find another reason to kill myself, I will stumble through the random meetup with an old friend, the fleetingness of a drunken cigarette shared or a make-out at a party and will return to being depressed, to the conclusion that I would prefer oblivion, that the idea of suicide is the only thing that I can reliably believe in. I feel bad that in the course of writing this, I have both rubbed away my thoughts of self-harm and somehow painted myself as an awful, selfish, lazy, helpless of a human being who deserves every bit of sadness coming his way, and is therefore more of a failed experiment in personality than an innocent boy deserving, like everyone else, a happy life. My problem is that I want, at least, something better than the chances that I can afford but it feels like the only happy life for me is bury my head in the ground, oblivious to everything, only to lift my head out of it for a split second to see the sharply stressful future of age and suffering and imagine a fantastical quitting of and then to bury my head back in the ground and repeat.