It should have been me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by flowers, Jan 20, 2014.

  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    He was beloved. He was such a good kind caring friend and husband and son. I have no one locally who even cares about me. No husband. No boyfriend. No child. No friends here where I live. He had all that. AND the closeness of his mothe and brother. Both of whom do not feel close at all to me. And yet he is the one who is taken.

    Everyones hearts grieve so deeply. So many friends. A wife left in pieces. A son grieving so deeply. Friends, good friends who were so very close to him. And yet the one who has no one close to her is the one who lives. I was the one who wants to die. But the best of us dies. And then who is next? My elderly mother? My other brother, the oldest and perhaps less healthy of us all? And then where am I. no significant other and no family members. No friends who are close to me. Alone. Is this the future? An aloneness that gives new definition to being completely alone in the world?

    I cannot bring him back. But I can go to where he is. I want that. I want to be the next to die. My mother shows no emotion. Nor does she allow anyone to show it. She is tough. She has tons of friends. She is not alone. She has huge support network. My remaining brother has his wife. they are a good team.He has his work and his friends. he does not care for me. My mother doesnt care much for me. No one really cares much for me. I got2 emails and 2 phone calls in the week that my brother died. No one will miss me much. I need to die. The world will be fine without me. I do want to be with my brother. He was the best of us, by far. Gentle,caring and good. Tons of friends. And an amazing wife. Wouldnt it be luxury if I could die in my sleep. I cannot face life alone. With brothers and mother gone. I cannot face life with just my brother gone. I want to be next. Fast and on my own terms. Gone without a fuss. just slipped away. I do need to be gone. I ache to be gone. I do not want to suffer in my death of course. Just gone. Gone to see my brother and father and niece. The woman who raised me. I want it to be over. I am not strong enough to care for my mother the way she needs. she needs someone to complain to. So she can pretend to all her many friends. Someone who is willing to be critisized. Someone who is willing to listen to who did what to her. and how wrong people are. Alll the bad things they do. And then to support her in her feelings and thoughs. I can do it. But then i shake. Because she can get so mean if i do not agree. She just lost her son. So I have to be careful. Even though crying or display of emotion is never permitted. The other brothe will get very angry when I talkk to him. I do not want to stay. I want to go. i deeply want to go. I long to see my brother. I long to not feel so despiratly alone. Thank you for reading this long rant. <3 <3
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    I do understand.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Flowers i am so sorry you are in so much pain and sadness and i understand wanting to to to be with your brother i do but he would not want that you know that hun
    I too worry abt future when the next one will leave and the amt of sadness we will feel. I am here i know it is not the same hun i know but you hun you have importance and YOU are Special to many people I know i would miss you terrible I do hope that his light his presence will come to you again in another way in another being perhaps but you hold on ok
    Hugs to you
  4. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    flowers, hang in there....PM me if you like....You were very welcoming to me when I first joined this forum....I can listen too....
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, I know you understand. You understand in the most painful way possible. I wish you did not have personal expereicne with so much loss. And being so deeply alone. You have such an amazingly good heart. And yet it has been so very hurt.

    V, as always, thanks. thank you always. I wish your generous loving heart could be eased. You give give give. And yet I want you to get back love. irl. I want that so much for you

    mbczion, thank you. I have a friend ( I try to be there for her because she is quite ill) who has no siblings and no parents left on this earth. The only family she has with whom she is close live in Israel. Many cousins. And their parents... who still are alive. They are her family. If she was not so ill herself she would have gone there again last year for a wedding. Thank you again for your generous and caring response. It means a lot.
  6. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Flowers :hug: I am so sorry for your loss and for your pain. I wish there were something I could say or do to ease it. I understand the longing to be 'gone' - for the pain to be over - and more than that, to give my remaining 'healthy' years to someone who deserves it. I feel your pain and I wish there was something I could do for you. However alone you feel, please remember that we are here, and we do care about you :hug:
  7. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. :hug: I'm sorry that people in your family do not seem to see your value or how important you really are. But remember that lots of people here really care about you, and we'll be here to support you no matter what.
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks Freya. As always, your words mean a lot to me. Thanks for saying you care about me. I DO so appreciate it. :hug1:

    Witty, thank you. Thank you for saying people care about me. And that you will be here to support me. You are cared about too. Even though I know it does not feel like you are. I understand that. And still you ARE cared about ! :hug1:
  9. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    :arms: Flowers... I have just seen this thread, I too am so very sorry for your loss... words are few but caring is much so very much... :grouphug: you are cared for and about and mean so very much to me and soo..oo..oo many people on here... I know it hurts to feel like you're alone, but please know that everyone on here is a person irl who cares about you and although we are not close distance wise I am hoping all the love care and support you get here can lift your heart and surround it in a kind and strong embrace, the kind that imparts strength and hope... please stay safe Hun ok? Selfish I know but I need you and so many here need you too, let us be strong for you... and care for you and give back some of all the caring and kindness you have given to so many :hugsquish:
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thank you, wonderful Ditsy. I wish you could see how good you are. I wish you could see through the eyes of those who see you clearly. But I understand how it works. I do not see through those eyes for myself. Still I wish so very much you could see the very beauty of your heart.

    Please do not worry. I cannot kill this physical form of mine while my mother is alive. Of course I could never cause another of her offsprings to be taken from her. Thank you so much for your amazing kindness and caring. Again, I wish you knew what an amazing heart you have. :hug1:
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hoping you are doing well today flowers hugs to you