...it shouldn't be this difficult to find my life has any worth...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ipse_Dixit, Nov 26, 2007.

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  1. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i have all the pieces to die, just need to get my will and living will finished.

    i have been looking for my worth for over 20 years, non-stop...and i have not found it.

    if you search for something for over 20 years and keep coming up empty-handed, you seem to get the hint that you aren't going to find it because it doesn't exist. and not only do i not find my worth, i find people's actions telling me i do not have worth...with the way all my pain has been dismissed and ignored by even the health care professionals.

    I just want to shout out: “OKAY, I GET IT WORLD!!! I’M WORTHLESS. I GET IT!!! DON'T WORRY....I'M LEAVING!!!”

    my father was taken to the hospital in yet another in a series of problems with his heart...after a quadrupal bypass 5 years ago and other smaller surgeries since. now he is having more "ischemia" problems (not enough blood getting to his heart). mother will be devastated when he dies and each time he goes to the hospital........i wonder if it will be the last time.

    and then i think of myself..........and realize how selfish and evil i truly am, because even though i know if my father dies and my mother is devastated, I still believe I need to die. i'm so sure that i need to die that even the death of my father and its devastation to my family will not stop me from believing i need to die and adding my own death to the mix. what kind of piece of crap am I?

    and it isn't because i hate them....it is because i feel so sure that it is the right decision for me to die. i believe so much that i have zero worth that such an event won't sway me.

    it shouldn't be this hard to find my worth, if my worth existed at all.
  2. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    I am sure you have worth....but it can often be difficult to see it in ourselves, I certainly find that. Maybe you should stop searching....who are we to say how worthy we are anyway? Maybe it's just something that some people just cannot see about themselves.

    I'm sorry to hear about your father...I'm sure that will have probably added to your feelings.

    If you need to chat feel free to pm me :) Maybe it would be good for you to talk it out and get a new perspective on things

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