It Starts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by whytryanymore, Feb 17, 2010.

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  1. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    Ok so i kinda dissapeared for a while, hope nobody worried cuz if u did u shouldnt have im not worth it. Anywho ive posted threads showing opposing sides of my feelings/situation and some ppl have suggested i tell the whole story so here goes.

    It all starts about six or seven months before i was born when my mom found out she was pregnant with me. My dad accused here of cheating on him because there was no way he got her pregnant since he had a vasectomy a few months earlier, wich lead to her actually cheating on him, wich he never found out about. During the time of her pregnancy with me the home life was pretty shitty for all especially for my four other siblings. Not even born and already i cause soo much pain and anger in the world, off to a great start id say. Anyway, not less than six months after i was born the whole family was torn appart by my parents divorce on account of me. My mother, not wanting to be reminded everyday of the pain and problems i caused didnt show up to the divorce hearing so my dad was left with us kids, well all but me he didnt want me either-since i wasnt his and all-so he sent me off with my mom who dumped me off at her mothers. Almost three years later my grandma was put through hell when several nevada st police showed up on her doorstep with my dad who had come to get me-im pretty sure it was for more child support so it was easier to pay the bills and buy the booze-so it was back to idaho for me where i could cause more pain and problems for my siblings, only this time for a lot longer. Up to this point ive been in existance for maybe four years and ive already split up a family, severely increased both parents alcoholism, and nearly caused my grandma a heart attack-great job right?

    I cant really recall a whole lot up until i was about seven or eight when hearing my dad complain about all the bills and crap that were piling up, me(the child that wasnt his) causing most of them with needing glasses and such but didnt get them for another four or five years, finally got to me and i first started contemplating suicide. A few months after my first suicidal thoughts my oldest brother confirmed the fact that i needed to die when i came home crying and whining about something to do with school and he couldnt stand the noise so he beat me up to try and shut me up, but that only made it worse so he got smarter and grabed a plastic bag and put it over my head and tied it off with a cord from a lamp or something and began to suffocate me i passed out hearing the words "...shut up you little bastard, just shut the fuck up". When i awoke with the bag still half tied around my head i freaked out a bit until my brother hit me a couple times, i then pulled the bag off my head and went to my room where i hid in the closet and forced myself not to cry cuz i didnt have a right to i just needed to shut up and dont get in anybodys way. I did just that in fact that was the first time i attemted suicide was a few days later,tried to han myself from the edge of the bed with the same cord that he had tied around my neck a few days before,but being as i didnt know how to tie a proper knot it just choked me then unraveled.

    I did ok at keeping to the shadows until i was 11 when my dad met his current wife who wanted him to get all the child support he could. Up until that point the only way my dad did claim me was as a dependant on his taxes, otherwise i was not his kid the whole neighborhood heard that even though i looked exactly like one of my brothers. I tried to make the transition as smooth as possible but that wasnt possible everything id did hurt one person in my family or another the stress got so bad i attemted suicide twice in one year once by another attempted hanging and the other i tried to cut my wrists. It seemed that everything i did was wrong even keeping my head down, nothing worked i was always the cause of the problem the problem itself or anything but the solution. So after three years of that and countless times of self harm like choking myself or trying to cut my wrists, attemting to od on asprin or any pill i moved to my moms in colorado at the age of fifteen three months before my sixteenth birthday.

    Once in colorado my infliction of pain and problems on the world grew as i stole smokes from my mom and stepdad so i could maybe make some friends without having to actually talk to anyone, for my birthday my dad sent me a childrens bible as if to say your soo stupid you cant even understand the bible so i thought maybe this way you could at least see the pictures and kinda understand what was going on. Needless to say halfway thru my junior year i dropped out of high school, was smoking about an ounce and a half a day, had cut my wrists several times-just deep enough to bleed but every time was a serious thought of dieng and several times in class, though nobody noticed-and on several other drugs including sneaking out of my moms liquor supply. I then moved back to idaho where my drug addiction flourished with the ease of getting them, i droped out two more times in my senior year, and regularly walked in the road at night hoping someone would hit me. Through all this i caused my sister to think she was a horrible sister cuz i dropped out of school while living with her, caused a whole shitload of problems at my dads, who on thanksgiving of 2006 found out he had colon cancer, got kicked out of my dads and then the friends house in wich i was staying at, and to top it all off my only friend fought me(well he just hit me until he couldnt anymore). From then on all i could do was hurt ppl more and more, cause stress for my dad which helped the cancer eat away at him since his system was under sooo much stress it couldnt battle the cancer and me at the same time. I was also arrested for theft while still in high school. After high school i dropped out of college twice because i couldnt bear to get up everyday and be laughed at by the whole class when i asked a simple question, got arrested again for theft, then once again for underage dui, operating w/o consent(flipped my roomate at the times car), and leaving the scene of an accident all with no license.

    I am now 21 still on probation have no job, no money, a girl i cant see cuz she moved 400 miles away instead of moving in with me-course i am a loser i can understand why she didnt want to move in with me-i have somewhere in the realm of $20-30,000+ in debt, and still assisting the cancer to eat away at my dad. The same friend who hit me doesnt care for me everytime i try and set boundries with him he flips out and make me feel worse for trying to stand up and defend myself. I am the but end of the joke when im hanging out with the fellow gear heads around here. I litterally have nothing and when i try to get it i get beat back down because for some reason i am apparently not allowed to be a human i am nothing more than an animal, hell my family treats their pets better than me. I really dont understand why i even go on looking back at it all, I am nothing but a thorn in the side of the world.

    To whomever reads this i am sorry i wasted your time in such a way feel free to comment however you wish i understand if you are mad at me for wasting ur time, i am used to being yelled at so dont hold back.
  2. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Wish i had the answer for all your problems, but i'm so messed up most of what i could say would be hypocritical so i'm gonna limit myself to only a couple of items.

    You didn't "cause" any anger or pain before you were born - your parents set all that up before your first cell even split. You couldn't have told your father to have a vasectomy and you certainly didn't even exist when your mother decided to cheat on him.

    As for the divorce - been there, done that, have the t-shirt. my parents divorced when i was 10. it was bitter, it was nasty and we were all caught in the middle. i hated myself for years until i finally realized that none of it was actually my fault. it's not yours either. your parents' relationship was already built on guilt and mistrust that existed long before you came along

    the main difference between us is that both of my parents fought for custody because they actually wanted the kids

    as for your siblings, did you really cause them pain? take another look - i've got a feeling your male sperm donor caused them pain and that you were just an easy target to blame.

    one more thing - if you've come here looking for people to yell at you, you've come to the wrong place
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    :hug: Nobody's going to yell at you here. You haven't wasted anyone's time.

    I'm sorry for what you've been through. My parents got divorced when I was 2, and even though I don't remember it, I know it was nasty because I can remember how they fought for years and years after the divorce. I used to think it was my fault too, but it wasn't mine, and it wasn't yours either.
  4. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    Well my mom cheated on my dad after being pregnant with me and i did cause the pain to my siblings i was always a problem in the house i am not the fastest horse in the race so it takes me a bit to figgure things out so my dad got angry a lot cuz of my stupidity and so he would yell at all of us. me to just figgure whatever it was at the time out, and my siblings to help me get it through my head. so on my account they all got punnished and yelled at.

    By the way my dad has changed for the most part and i love him verry much until i was twelve he didnt claim me yes, but he is still my dad and i am verry protective of my family even though my family was abusive and still dont really care about me. Maybe thats why i am soo messed up because no matter how bad i get hurt i still care about the person who hurt me, although i probably deserved the hurt i just dont see it at the time.

    Oh and i know nobody will yell at me here its all typing kinda hard to do, but the last time i tried to say even a small part of this i was told to shut up and i had to be lying.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Just want you to know that you didn't deserve all the hurt!
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Kory they weren't punished on your account - you were all punished because your father lacked the patience to deal with your problem

    some people just take longer to figure things out - my eldest is in her 2nd year of college and still can't do basic multiplication in her head

    i gave her a hard time about it in school because i was always good with math and didn't realize she had a real problem. that failure was mine, not hers

    glad that you've reconciled with your dad and i understand all about protecting family. i have faced down bullies, teachers, and other parents if they did anything to hurt my kids (my wife looks after herself). the same thing applies to the members of my family that i am estranged from

    i don't know who here would have told you to shut up but i can safely say that it was NOT someone who understands what this forum is all about

    and believe me, i know that saying any of this is hard. if you don't believe me, read some of my posts

    just feel free to say what you want to say, when you are ready to say it

    we're patient and will be ready and waiting for you
  7. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    I understand that everyone here is here for their own reason and that this isnt the place to go to get put down, its just that im so used to it and i wanted to let anyone who read my post to understand that it was ok to call bs and say whatever they wanted. That however doesnt mean that what i said wasnt tru.

    I know that i should know that i am not to blame for any of what i originally postd, but i just cant bring myself to do it. Growing up i was told that if something happens it happens for a reason and you always deserve what you get. Maybe im taking that out of context but i dont think i am cuz usually i was told this right after or during getting hit or yelled at or locked in the closet for hours on end-and im talking about a closet barely big enough for a vacume let alone me. I still to this day have horrible claustrophobia, i mean i get nervouse when im playing racing games and im in the middle of two other cars. Also i am surrounded by ppl that take every opportunity to cut me down and their is one person who will cut me down farther than all the rest like to the point they even think he is being harsh and then when nobody else is around he will build me back up and say things like "i was only messing with you" or "dude i believe in you they just make fun of you cuz your car"(I hang out with gear heads and i have a 93 Geo Storm). The worst thing about it is i bend over backwards for this kid almost everyday, i lie for him so he doesnt get caught cheating, i bought his engine for his rx-7 that maxed my credit card, ive bought him smokes and beer and basically anything he wanted, then i turn around and want him to stay home for the night so i can get up early to turn in apps and he flips out and acts like im being a jackass who just uses him. Oh yeah and when i had a job and could buy beer or liquor whenever i wanted he had no problem drinking it, but now that i dont have a job and say i want to party he sits there and says all i want to do is party and that im and alcoholic, wich i think he told all the other guys we hang out with that i have a drinking problem cuz they always tell me i cant have anything when they are all partying.

    I could go on about this for days all i know is i must search out ppl that will tare me down so i can spend the whole time i know them trying to make up for something i dont know i did wrong.
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    You don't deserve to be torn down. You deserve to be treated so much better than that!! :hug:
  9. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    Id llike to be able to believe that but i cant(or dont want to?). Idk im too far gone but the weird thing is right now i dont feel like suicide i just wanna isolate ALL the time, and for some reason here is like isolating for me but i dont know if it could be farther from it, i mean everyone here has either been in the same or similar situation and is here for the same purpose. I like it here cuz i actually CAN talk and nobody can stop me or interupt me, and wether or not anybody replies or talks to me doesnt really matter but yet it is a huge deal.:unsure:
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    first of all - not everybody gets what they deserve - if that was true my last manager would have been found with a stake through his heart and a string of garlic wrapped around his neck

    second - that kid sounds a lot like my wife's nephew - when he moved up hear about 15 years ago he couldn't afford an apartment on his own so we put him up and charged him "rent" so that he would get used to the responsibiility to prepare him for the future. Long story short - he lost his job, didn't look for a new one and stopped paying. since my rent was the same with or without him i could live with it until he started using my phone to talk to his long distance boyfriend in Brazil. i should have learned my lesson right there, but a few years later after all of my kids were born, i needed to rent a bigger house that a bit of stretch on my income - he was in a stable job by that point and agreed to help out. 6 months later he moved out. sometimes we are just blind.

    third - i used to drink in high school at parties (i only did it because "everyone else" was) until i figured out i had more fun watching the drunks than being one

    keep talking man - we won't tear you down
  11. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    First, that kid is my current "best friend" and i feel like i owe him soo much still, and he isnt telling me otherwise even when i let him know thats how i feel so obviously i do owe him so much still.

    Secondly, i think i might have a problem with alcohol but maybe thats just cuz ive been told that by several ppl that are so called drug and alcohol counselors, and everybody else after they hear the diagnosis of depresion and bipolar they immediately assume im and alcoholic drug addict looking for and excuse for my actions, when really im looking for the reason i am always ccausing pain.
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    let me clarify

    I did not mean to imply that you have an alcohol problem - just saying in my own (perhaps badly worded way) that drinking isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

    not sure why you feel this obligation toward your friend especially if he is the one always tearing you down

    sorry i'm not full of better advice right now and if i sound callous ignore me, but keep talking

    i'm still kinda new at this and i know that the other folks are better at it
  13. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    I understand that you were not saying i have an alcohol problem i was just clarifying it maybe more to myself than to anyone.

    As to the friend obligation, i wish i knew why i felt that way too, i mean he kinda helped me in 06/07 when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and i started to lose it :laugh: what am i saying i lost it a long time before that i just started publically breaking down. I think more or less what he did was to help me forget about it to put it out of my mind, burry it more or less. but that is all ive ever done it just gets worse cuz i dont address the problem, but its hard to address when my whole life is the problem.

    I finally told my girlfriend a little of what is going thru my mind right at the moment and she kinda did what i expected but then again she didnt seem to care that much wich hurts. Im falling apart again the duct tape and bailing twine that is holding me together isnt working anymore.
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    :hug: Here if you want to talk.
  15. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    So its ironic, the title is it starts,but it really hasnt its kinda never started, for it to start i have to have actually been alive not just a hollow shell of a person who continues to drag ppl down. Its amazing how someone so hollow can weigh so much, but maybe a more appropriate title is it ends. Well at least this post is more of the ending post.

    Im thinking of leaving it all, this forum, my family, my pathetic excuse of a life, my cat i cant take care of, everything. Its not cuz i dont get any help or good advice, its because i continue to litter pplz lives with my trash and worthless and relentless bitching, i try and help ppl but how much use am i when i cant even help myself. I live in a state of constant dispair, i try and cover it up but after 21 years i guess it bleeds thru. I am taking the advice of someone back in high school, im gonna do the world a favor and just off my miserable whiny self already. Im done i cant go on even though i continue to type this and it continues to go nowhere and means nothing cuz i am meaningless and worthless.

    And i dont agree with Three Days Grace in their song Pain, I would much rather feel nothing at all than pain, im tired of pain and hurt and the guilt of living for no reason when so many die for no reason. Their is a saying i picked up somewhere: There are starving homeless children in Africa who would kill for 1/4 of what you to be them. Aint that horrible,i wish one of them were here right now maybe they would kill me so they could have everything i have(except my mental state), at least then i would die knowing i did something positive for the world other than just removing myself from it.
  16. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    I read your story and you have done something positive. You have helped me. Never think that you are not worthy of your life. You are important. And you're responsibility is great.
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