Ok so i kinda dissapeared for a while, hope nobody worried cuz if u did u shouldnt have im not worth it. Anywho ive posted threads showing opposing sides of my feelings/situation and some ppl have suggested i tell the whole story so here goes. It all starts about six or seven months before i was born when my mom found out she was pregnant with me. My dad accused here of cheating on him because there was no way he got her pregnant since he had a vasectomy a few months earlier, wich lead to her actually cheating on him, wich he never found out about. During the time of her pregnancy with me the home life was pretty shitty for all especially for my four other siblings. Not even born and already i cause soo much pain and anger in the world, off to a great start id say. Anyway, not less than six months after i was born the whole family was torn appart by my parents divorce on account of me. My mother, not wanting to be reminded everyday of the pain and problems i caused didnt show up to the divorce hearing so my dad was left with us kids, well all but me he didnt want me either-since i wasnt his and all-so he sent me off with my mom who dumped me off at her mothers. Almost three years later my grandma was put through hell when several nevada st police showed up on her doorstep with my dad who had come to get me-im pretty sure it was for more child support so it was easier to pay the bills and buy the booze-so it was back to idaho for me where i could cause more pain and problems for my siblings, only this time for a lot longer. Up to this point ive been in existance for maybe four years and ive already split up a family, severely increased both parents alcoholism, and nearly caused my grandma a heart attack-great job right? I cant really recall a whole lot up until i was about seven or eight when hearing my dad complain about all the bills and crap that were piling up, me(the child that wasnt his) causing most of them with needing glasses and such but didnt get them for another four or five years, finally got to me and i first started contemplating suicide. A few months after my first suicidal thoughts my oldest brother confirmed the fact that i needed to die when i came home crying and whining about something to do with school and he couldnt stand the noise so he beat me up to try and shut me up, but that only made it worse so he got smarter and grabed a plastic bag and put it over my head and tied it off with a cord from a lamp or something and began to suffocate me i passed out hearing the words "...shut up you little bastard, just shut the fuck up". When i awoke with the bag still half tied around my head i freaked out a bit until my brother hit me a couple times, i then pulled the bag off my head and went to my room where i hid in the closet and forced myself not to cry cuz i didnt have a right to i just needed to shut up and dont get in anybodys way. I did just that in fact that was the first time i attemted suicide was a few days later,tried to han myself from the edge of the bed with the same cord that he had tied around my neck a few days before,but being as i didnt know how to tie a proper knot it just choked me then unraveled. I did ok at keeping to the shadows until i was 11 when my dad met his current wife who wanted him to get all the child support he could. Up until that point the only way my dad did claim me was as a dependant on his taxes, otherwise i was not his kid the whole neighborhood heard that even though i looked exactly like one of my brothers. I tried to make the transition as smooth as possible but that wasnt possible everything id did hurt one person in my family or another the stress got so bad i attemted suicide twice in one year once by another attempted hanging and the other i tried to cut my wrists. It seemed that everything i did was wrong even keeping my head down, nothing worked i was always the cause of the problem the problem itself or anything but the solution. So after three years of that and countless times of self harm like choking myself or trying to cut my wrists, attemting to od on asprin or any pill i moved to my moms in colorado at the age of fifteen three months before my sixteenth birthday. Once in colorado my infliction of pain and problems on the world grew as i stole smokes from my mom and stepdad so i could maybe make some friends without having to actually talk to anyone, for my birthday my dad sent me a childrens bible as if to say your soo stupid you cant even understand the bible so i thought maybe this way you could at least see the pictures and kinda understand what was going on. Needless to say halfway thru my junior year i dropped out of high school, was smoking about an ounce and a half a day, had cut my wrists several times-just deep enough to bleed but every time was a serious thought of dieng and several times in class, though nobody noticed-and on several other drugs including sneaking out of my moms liquor supply. I then moved back to idaho where my drug addiction flourished with the ease of getting them, i droped out two more times in my senior year, and regularly walked in the road at night hoping someone would hit me. Through all this i caused my sister to think she was a horrible sister cuz i dropped out of school while living with her, caused a whole shitload of problems at my dads, who on thanksgiving of 2006 found out he had colon cancer, got kicked out of my dads and then the friends house in wich i was staying at, and to top it all off my only friend fought me(well he just hit me until he couldnt anymore). From then on all i could do was hurt ppl more and more, cause stress for my dad which helped the cancer eat away at him since his system was under sooo much stress it couldnt battle the cancer and me at the same time. I was also arrested for theft while still in high school. After high school i dropped out of college twice because i couldnt bear to get up everyday and be laughed at by the whole class when i asked a simple question, got arrested again for theft, then once again for underage dui, operating w/o consent(flipped my roomate at the times car), and leaving the scene of an accident all with no license. I am now 21 still on probation have no job, no money, a girl i cant see cuz she moved 400 miles away instead of moving in with me-course i am a loser i can understand why she didnt want to move in with me-i have somewhere in the realm of $20-30,000+ in debt, and still assisting the cancer to eat away at my dad. The same friend who hit me doesnt care for me everytime i try and set boundries with him he flips out and make me feel worse for trying to stand up and defend myself. I am the but end of the joke when im hanging out with the fellow gear heads around here. I litterally have nothing and when i try to get it i get beat back down because for some reason i am apparently not allowed to be a human i am nothing more than an animal, hell my family treats their pets better than me. I really dont understand why i even go on looking back at it all, I am nothing but a thorn in the side of the world. To whomever reads this i am sorry i wasted your time in such a way feel free to comment however you wish i understand if you are mad at me for wasting ur time, i am used to being yelled at so dont hold back.