It sure is nice being in the middle of indiana

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HawthornePassage, Aug 12, 2012.

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  1. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    my graceful journey to oblivion

    this is my graceful journey into oblivion, so im in south indiana now, near the IL border

    getting hotels here and there, sleeping in car mostly since i have sleep problems. I'm done. I'm on a road trip so it'll be impossible to back out. i was two minutes from getting run over by a train about 10 days ago. it drained my energy but made me fear death even less after a few days and filled me with anger. drove 13 hours straight last night doing about 75. I've been dragged along on false hopes for far too long and never even been given proper explanations from the person....who was supposed to go with me and accomplish great things. who hurt me more than anyone else. but they wouldn't and i never even got a real reason. i wish they had just let me die back in january instead of all this bullshit because i was completely ready.

    i remember once i had this horrible nightmare of her body wrapped in this hideous black snake with red eyes in a bizarre structure. it had an almost human head. it was taunting me and she was just asleep, oblivious of its chokehold on her. that was a few months ago and i think represents the corruption that was taken over. it was so incredibly horrible

    anyway i didn't drive that fast the first night but I have a 320 hp car and a really good radar detector, I plan to be doing 120+ some of the rest of the way...at least when its not dark (I don't want death by deer, thatd be pathetic). my tires should easily handle the speed. i want to try to hit 150. i think it has a top speed of 165-170 ish but its speed limited to 150 or something. im no car fanatic but ive gotten long tired of driving around like a pussy in new jersey

    so im going to try to hit colorado springs by tomorrow if i can drive during the day. i do want to see the sights during my journey so ill be stopping some of the time but i hate driving slow out in the middle of fucking nowhere. i love the mountains and the pine trees. i love the chilly night air and i cant wait to zoom around some curves. ive never gotten to get my car up to its true speed in empty places and this is my chance, so thats an added bonus

    then i plan to spend some time in NM or utah, i wanted to see some caverns or arches national park. nevada should be quick at breakneck speed given that you can see for like...10 miles and no cop can get you if youre not a dumbass

    my final stop will be California...somewhere in the mountains, probably yosemite or sierra nevada. ill wander around for a few days. to all the people going 'no dont do it' im not looking for help...you have no idea what ive been thru. ive been pushed to the point that would make a navy seal blow his head off ten times if that were physically possible. i figure this is a great way to end everything because i havent gotten out much...and id like to see the rest of the country and nature

    a couple seconds of terror, or maybe not so much if im piss drunk, and its all over. ill update tomorrow if i get a hotel, then maybe later, but thats it.

    so this is it. the fortress collapses. i will be with God, whatever may exist beyond the veil. ive done much good for many people but ive done all i can. i cant survive without a strong companion
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 14, 2012
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Re: my graceful journey to oblivion

    Honey, if you're not looking for help,....... may I ask why you're posting your intention here?

    You say you will be with God. I hope for your sake hun, that that is true, and that He will understand your decision to give up on life without allowing Him to come to your assistance on earth.

    Because He is still willing to do that, if you ask him to, and then, take it from there, a step at a time with help from His friends......... I know how your mind is thinking right now hun, but it's worth one last try..... you are in a place where no one knows you. Find a pastor and ask for some sanctuary......

    bye for now honey, God bless you and guide you :)
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Re: my graceful journey to oblivion

    It sounds like you are seeing lots of the countryside. many people only dream of doing what you are. I am sorry things are still not better for you. Sometimes I wonder if you have your sights set so high that you are setting yourself up for failure and consequently it leads to you feeling so down about life. Maybe you should try changing that mindset and just give things a chance. just a thought. :dunno:
     
  4. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Re: my graceful journey to oblivion

    it has absolutely nothing to do with mindset

    its automatic and impossible to reverse when you see so much. pretty much any typical suggestion about 'change your mindset' has already been meta-analyzed and attempted numerous times. i understand things that other people dont understand and that im not supposed to understand without strong backing because they destroy you

    im posting here as a kind of journal. im in the middle of bumblefuck kansas, made good time but im too fucking tired to drive any more tonight. CO tomorrow
     
  5. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Re: my graceful journey to oblivion

    okay, that was a well deserved sleep. well im off for some more driving, ive done a pretty good job in that i havent gotten a single ticket so far. not that it means shit
     
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Re: my graceful journey to oblivion

    Honey you have a first-rate mind and I think that I know a bit about where you are coming from, with the forces that can destroy it when you see and know and understand things that are not of this world. (I have a history too :) )

    But, you can master these beliefs and turn them around, and know peace and tranquillity and hope and positivity, not destruction.
     
  7. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Re: my graceful journey to oblivion

    no i cant

    not after all this. maybe with the right support, especially in the past but thats always eluded me and ive been hit for the last time.

    so anyway i spent a bunch of time in Colorado and whatnot, then i drove some more really fast...my god it is open out here. I easily hit 150 and I could see for 10 miles. right around St. George now
     
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Re: my graceful journey to oblivion

    I understand how vital it is, Hawthorne, to know that you have the right support hun :) SF is a start, a very caring place with no judgement or condemnation, and people willing to listen and give another perspective which may bring some insight for you.

    I had the belief once that I could not master the forces that were trying to destroy me. On my journey, I now realise that, as real as these seem (and are, in our inner life) - they are actually all LIES.

    They appear to be real, Hawthorne, but they are not the truth.

    The truth sets free.

    We can feel beset and weighed down by lies and give them our attention in trying to break free of them, and it seems that all that effort only increases their hold still....... I know because I've been there and I am still aware of the dynamic involved - BUT I ASSURE you that, understanding and insight can change this condition. (As impossible as it seems at the moment, I know......) Take it from someone who has hit the bottom of despair and found the way out - if it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone :)
     
  9. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Re: my graceful journey to oblivion

    at the moment? try 200 years. anyway, im at my destination and everything, just going to wander around for awhile until im comfortable. bye. oh and most of all, au revoir, simone! (inside joke)
     
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