It took everything from me

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by 880088, May 30, 2014.

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  1. 880088

    880088 Member

    TRIGGER WARNING


    I went out to celebrate my new job with my old boss, a man who was almost a father to me. We drank. I thought I was safe. I didn't know where we were going when he put me in a cab. When I woke up I could barely see, but I was naked and felt pain between my legs. I tried to say, "Well I don't know what happened. It could have been drunk sex. I could have started something," but in my heart I knew I was trying to avoid what I really felt. That next morning was one of the heaviest days of my life.

    I didn't know what to do. He was still my boss for the next two months. His brother was my roommate. He offered to take me to a party, and I accepted. I wanted to believe we could have our old relationship back. He took advantage of me while I was drunk. I didn't consent, but I didn't fight it. I passed out half-way through, but the next morning he told me he loved me.

    He told all of our mutual friends, who were the people I loved more than anything, that I was his girlfriend. That I loved him. So many people told me they were glad that he found a "girl like me," because he was a "nice boy" who deserved the best. I felt like I was disappearing. My new life had built itself without me, and there was nothing for me to do.

    When my best friend found out (she was much closer to the boss, and also viewed him as a father), she was naturally upset. She didn't know my side of things, and I never told her. I didn't want to ruin her relationship with the boss. I wanted her to have the father figure I lost.

    I loved her more than anything. She was my sister, and my guide. When I knew her I was never lonely, because I was always with her in my heart. She lives in another country now. She made me promise to write to her. I didn't. I cut her out. The weight of my secret was too much to bear, and I couldn't talk to her because I knew she viewed me differently after what happened with him. When I wrote to her to apologize, to tell her everything, to tell her that I still think of the stories I could tell her about my life, she didn't respond.

    I am like a sickness. I bring this disease of unhappiness to everyone I know.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2014
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I too have been raped.. 3 times to be exact.. all by people I knew and trusted, so I can understand the feelings of betrayal, confusion, loss, sorrow, self blame.. the list goes on. I tried calling the cops 1 time... they were no help, told me because he was an ex boyfriend and I'd had a sexual relationship with him in the past it was just a lover's spat and they'd not even take a report... so I never called the cops again or bothered to tell anyone. I encourage you to keep writing here and to tell people you can truly trust because it has torn me apart and haunted me ever since those rapes happened but I had nobody to trust.

    Secondly, I want you to understand this: YOU ARE NOT THE SICKNESS.. IT'S NOT YOU THAT BRINGS THE DISEASE OF UNHAPPINESS... it's the one that raped you. You are not at fault for ANY of this. There are some even here that do not understand that... so please make sure that when you open up, it is in this forum only as I do NOT want you getting hurt more... if you ever come to chat, you may pm me and talk to me directly, I will listen and try to help you.. you can also send me an inbox and chat with me that way if you like.. I will respond when I see it, because I don't always come here regularly anymore as I was hurt a few times here... don't let that discourage you from coming here though because in general the people here are all very caring and nice... I think its just that some things people do not understand unless they have been through it too and a lot of them were hurting too when I chose to open up in chat.. I should have been more careful. I wish you all the best in your journey of recovery... its a long hard road... but I believe you can do it, after all you've already taken the first step of opening up and telling people what you've been through... that was very brave!!

    Please take care, all my thoughts are with you in this time.
     
  3. Clementine

    Clementine Well-Known Member

    I don't have a relatable situation to this at all but i give you both my deepest sympathy and this might be weird but I just finished reading the book Lucky by Alice Seabold where she talks about when she was raped, it was just a good book. It has some things you mentioned 88, about cutting friends out.
     
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I am sorry this happened to you, as is the case with so many, many, many others. I agree with demuredawn, you are not the sickness.
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi hun, I was sure I had replied to this thread like a week ago, must have vanished from a glitch I guess... You are not a sickness. HE took advantage of you, you stated you passed out, how could you even give consent in that state? Do NOT blame yourself. Victims (I don't like that word).. so I'll use ''survivors'' usually do blame themselves, feel shame, sadness and humiliated....shall you ever need to talk I am here. But please, never blame yourself for a situation like this. It was out of your control, he is sick in the head!
     
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