It was all just too much...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by riz, Oct 24, 2008.

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  1. riz

    riz Senior Member

    So tonight, I got into quite the argument with my family. There was a lot of screaming and tons of blaming and guilt tripping. Of course. And when it all became too much, I ended up cutting myself. I was seriously disappointed because before tonight, I was able to be SI Free since February 3. And this time, when I boiled over, I needed more than just a small scrape to satisfy myself.

    It's terrible. I know. And I'm working on getting some help. But my problem wasn't just the relapse.

    Without going into much detail, I'll explain what happened. Recently, I've kept my SI activity on my legs. So, I had my pants pulled down to my mid thigh and my mom came in. She knocked so I was able to turn so she couldn't see but when she came in, she seen that I was in an awkward moment and closed the door. She gave me a second and came back in to ask me what I was doing. When she asked, I was like, "I wasn't doing anything." And before I could say anything else, she asked, "Are you a cutter?" And so, knowing that she'd be able to find out easily if she asked me to show her my leg, I said, "Yeah." Then she asked, "How long have you been doing that?" And I answered, "Since I was 9."

    She seemed very surprised, and why wouldn't she be? Because of my parents fighting when I was a kid and the divorce she went through when I was a teen, how was she supposed to notice? Recently, my cutting has been getting worse....causing scars to form up and down my legs. I know she's seen them. I think she's asked about them once, but that was after they were already old scars. She might have thought that I was beyond all that now and started to look the other way.

    But anyways, before leaving my room, she asked what I used to make the cuts. All I could do was start to cry and tell her to mind her own business. I told her to stop asking questions and leave me alone. She did what I asked, but that just left me really empty and alone.

    What was I expecting her to do? Rush me to the hospital? Lock me away? Hold me until I could stop crying? I don't know. Maybe just something other than leaving me there to feel ashamed and lonely in my room.

    So here I am. Face first into a SI relapse. I know that the next time I'm overwhelmed with some pent up issues, it's going to be really hard to stop myself. Once I get in the habit and routine of cutting, it's really hard for me to stop. I'm going to keep trying, but sometimes, it's easier to just cut.
  2. isoko49

    isoko49 Member

    I know you don't know me, being new and all, but I couldn't read your message and not respond.

    I know all too well how hard it is to stop the cycle once you get back into it and it must be especially hard because of your feelings about how your mum reacted. In some ways I WANT my family to see my scars and react to them, to acknowledge the pain behind them. But they just seem to accept them as part of who I am and not mention them....maybe they don't know if there's a way they can help you. Someone who has never even dreamed of SI wouldn't have a clue why we do it. Even my husband is still pretty clueless about it all, even after reading a pile of literature on it.

    I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve by typing this message- maybe just letting you know that your mums reaction is a pretty normal one by what I've seen, and it doesn't mean that she doesn't care for you and want you to be well. Please don't use it against yourself and SI because of it. You've broken the cycle before, you CAN do it again. Don't let your families arguments cause you twice as much pain as they should.
    Take care hun
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