It wasn't meant to be this way...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chem, Jun 8, 2007.

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  1. Chem

    Chem New Member

    Hello, this is my first post so I guess I'll just get into my story.

    As a child I was happy and healthy, there was regular stuff like parents splitting up, moving houses, etc. But nothing that effecting me much, I was doing great.. then one day at about 13yrs old, I woke up, it was like 4pm and I felt like sh*t, that was the day where everything started going wrong.
    For a long time no one knew what was wrong with me or believed I was ill atall, every morning I would vaguely hear my mother or sisters pushing me trying to wake me up for school and saying how sad I was for not going and that crap, then i'd wake up so late feeling exhausted all day and night, I eventually found out I had Chronic Fatigue, this led to a whole amount of problems, tiredness, insomnia, every possible cold our bug imaginable and anything else you can think of. In a very short time I was at home every day, never going to school or out atall, waking up so late feeling so depressed and instead of having people realise this I had my whole f*cking family telling me how much of a failure I was, my friends didn't bother to stay in contact with me, I seemed to have lost everything, I was a happy healthy 13yr old, going out with my friends all the time, had just started getting girlfriends and all, now I was stuck at home 24/7, I gained a little weight too and got depressed worse and worse, after time that went to suicidal, I struggled with this for years, at about 14 I made the decision I was going to change my life, I started forcing myself to workout no matter how tired I was and changed my diet and everything, over time I did dramatically improve and started returning to school, pretty much greated to meetings telling me they want to send me to a "clinic" as they didn't even believe I was ill, I swear, CFS is so miss understood. I remember struggling so much to wake up in time for a 5pm doctors appointment, It depressed me so much that I don't even care to type about it.

    Long story short for my final school year (In England you finish at 16/17) at 15 I was in school in afternoons, I had lost all the extra weight and I was feeling better as I thought things would improve, I planned to go to college the next year and was hoping for a change around in my life. But that just didn't come. I was so angry and so depressed for so long, everyone around me was healthy and living there lifes, sure I had a few friends and did a bit more, but as a child I was energetic, even hyper, I did tonnes of sports and was so happy, this was NOT how my life was meant to be, I hated being a "ill kid" I never ever talked about being ill or anything like that to anyone as I just wanted to be normal, but now I had my plan, my life would change, I would make damn sure that I would workout, start wrestling training that summer and start college after, I pushed and pushed myself, but because CFS includes muscle tiredness, eventually I injured my arm from "overtraining" at the gym. At this point I pretty much just broke down and didn't do anything all summer, I just detached from the world, College came and I was just as ill as ever, I soon left, I was ready to kill myself and be done with it, the only reason I didn't is because I don't have access to an easy way of doing it... One other huge problem in my life is my own mind, Ever since I was extremely young I have battled an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I have never told anyone about it but have know about it for over a decade, I was able to deal with it fine for a while but it really got unbareable once I got into puberty, What would happen is as I was alone at home so much not talking to anyone for days, I would get into this state, its hard to explain if you don't have it, but say I started thinking about something disturbing that I didn't like such as homosexuality, beastiality, incest or something kinda grose like that, I would think "yuck" therefore I'd think "crap no I won't be able to get that out my mind" then i'd continue to be battle myself with these disturbing images and thoughts, acting as if I was all these things, when in reality I was not. It's hard to explain, but anyways when i'm out with friends these problems don't even enter my mind, its something that developed from spending years saying virtually nothing to anyone, just being on my own, so I sort of fall out of reality.

    Anyways this sometimes got unbareable, and is what had me trying to drown myself, I felt trapped in my own mind, and I couldn't just go out with people and get back into reality, as I was also trapped in my own body.

    I can see a vision of my perfect life, I KNOW I could get things such as a girlfriend, a good new college life, a cool career, etc. I believe in myself, and I even believe I could beat these mental problems as if I had an active life I wouldn't be "falling out of reality" and getting into these numb states, the ONLY thing thats stopping me is my physical health. I would do anything, I just want health. But days turned to months to years, its been nearly 5 years now, and I can't go on any longer, I can't be trapped in my body and in my mind.
    One thing I would often do to detach myself is play video games or spend all day on my PC just so I had something to distract me, but guess what?, because of this shitty illness, last christmas, I was feeling kind of good, saved up money I got and sold a few things, I bought an Xbox 360 and although my life was shitty I still get some enjoyment from buying new things, 2 days after boxing day, I get severse strained eyes, there all bloodshot and stuff, so that should go in about a week I thought. It's been over 6 months.... NO improvement and nothing can be done, I can't play any video games, I can't even watch TV or go on my PC for too long, the hurt constantly and force me to be alone with my mind even more so. I cannot go on any longer watching others full of energy and just watching my own life go by... I want complete health or death, nothing in between. I feel that there is nothing that can help me anymore, I simple cannot be happy unless I'm healthy. And I can't see how I am going to be, I am at the point where I don't want to wait another day to find out, I'm the closest to just killing myself I have ever been now and unless I can be miraculously healed of everything, I want to be dead. I know many people will have been through so much worse then me, but that doesn't make me feel any better about being the way I am, one of the worst things is I can't even escape anymore, for awhile I just went on my PC or games, as mentioned above, I can't now, I would love to just go out and forget my troubles, but illness means I can't do much without feeling it the next day, and for awhile at a young age I just got hold of alcohol and drugs to try and escape but that then makes my illness worse, its a constant battle of wanting to be better, but whenever I try to escape I make myself worse, I just need to escape the pain of watching my life drift by, the pain in my body and the pain of constantly fighting my own messed up head...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 8, 2007
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF Chem. Chronic Fatigue syndrome is a terrible thing. It is not easy to feel lifeless and have no energy to do anything at all. What did they do to help with this? I hope we are able to help support you here. i know you will meet people with some of the same issues you have. take care. :hug:
     
  3. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    sorry to hear about your physical troubles.when i was young i had surgeries all the time. 22 to be exact. i know the feeling. if you ever want to talk, i'm here. pm or msn. there are good ppl here, hope to see you around.
     
  4. Savior

    Savior Active Member

    I'm here too, Chem. welcome to the forums
     
  5. Chem

    Chem New Member

    Thankyou for your replies i've added a few of you on msn.

    I haven't replied here for a few days as things are only getting worse really, for awhile i've been looking at where to turn, if god or anything can help me but I don't know what to do. Today was the day I was going to kill myself, I was getting ready to go to the drug store to just get ready to passout in the bath, a friend phoned and said theres a party tommorow, so I figure I may aswell just wait and try and escape my worries one last night, I feel I need an escape from my ill body and perhaps even iller mind, I really don't know why I'm even typing this, I guess I just need to release my feelings somewhere, I have a clear cut view of what I want, I could go and have the social life, relationship, education, hobbies, etc. that I want, but i'm stuck here ill, I want to just live and escape my problems but I can't so I spend almost every minute of everyday alone feeling tired, broken and never being able to escape this obsessive compulsive disorder I have to deal with too, illness is ruining my life and I just feel like I'd do anything to be one of the healthy happy people, i'd give up everything I own just to be able to have mental and physical health. I guess you don't know what you have till its gone, and i've learnt the hard way that the best things are free, the best things in life you have already. I don't want to die, but If I can't live normally I cannot live like this, argh I don't even know how to explain or why I'm bothering, the only way to explain the disorder mentally I have is its like having a person locked in your head telling you everything you don't want to hear, showing you every picture you don't want to see, and constantly making you feeling shit, then you can't escape because your too ill to do anything but sit around, I feel I need a cure from these problems which I have given up hope on finding, theres no way in hell I can stay here, I need to escape everything permenantly. Its been 4-5 years now, pretty much all of secondary school and after and I really feel like i'm out of fight, everything I try to do never frees me, no one on the outside can help me, no matter what people say or do, I can't enjoy anything "out there" until I'm fixed "in here". And how can that possibly happen?
     
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