It went a little further...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by PrismBlack, Dec 22, 2007.

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  1. PrismBlack

    PrismBlack Member

    I said hi earlier and introduced myself and mentioned I was going to post about how I've been feeling suicidal.
    At first I was just going to post in the suicide forum, but some things happened and now i have definite plans. I'm not sure why I'm asking for help, I guess a small part of me either wants help or wants someone to know, because I actually want it to be over now. Before it was just an option, now it feels like THE option, the only one there is and one that doesn't sound bad.
    I guess I'll go over some of what caused me to feel this way. First, I've been dealing with a lot of stress. For over a year I've been trying to get a job without so much as a call back for an interview, now I've been trying to get signed up for classes for community college but it's gotten complicated since their online registration system is down, so that got backed up. Also I've been in a serious relationship. This ended up being what landed the last amounts of stress I could handle on me and what, just an hour or so ago made me decide what i was going to do. This girl, she treated me like shit, she used me for sex and as a driver and basically for anything she needed, but there were times that there was so much love that I actually enjoyed even those bad things because I truly love this girl, I wasn't sure of it recently but something happened that made me realize she's the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
    Well, she caused me a lot of lows from threatening breakups and breaking up with me and making me wait and wait before getting back together and promising to change and then repeating the cycle. It all started seven months ago. One month ago, we had a different break up. She decided she wanted to try being in a non-sexual relationship with another guy to see if she actually loved me, and thought I should be in a sexual or otherwise relationship with another girl. I didn't want to so I didn't go for it, after a week the only guy she had prospected to see had been an old friend who lost interest in her as soon as he was told she wasnt interested in sex by her. So another week passed by and we were hanging out as friends and we started kissing, then making out, and then got serious, and she changed her mind and got angry after it was over and made me take her home. The next day she asked to come over, she told me to lay on my bed and laid next to me with her head on my chest, and she told me she wanted me back. I had gotten over the breakup by this point, but I asked her if she was sure she wanted and loved me, and she said yes she was. She promised me after this that we'd work this time and things would be perfect. The next week went perfectly, everything was wonderful, I even fell completely back in love with her and trusted her 100%, and had the realization that she was definitely my one true love and I really did want to marry her and raise children with her like we had discussed. One day we didn't see each other though, and she hung out with my ex-friends who she had kind of stolen from me as they used to hate her and loved me, then hated me and loved her after something very specific i might discuss later. So we didn't see each other that day and the next day I was asking her if she wanted to see me or anything and she acted distant and said, "no I'm going to sleep". Later that night I was worried from her reacting really apathetically and avoidant of me, so I asked her if she wanted to spend the night, and she dropped this on me, she texted me "I don't love you anymore." She won't even be friends, she won't give it another chance, she wont give me a goodbye in person no last kiss, no last hug, no anything. Nothing for devoting the last seven or eight months of my life to her and doing everything in my power to support her and make her happy and make everything easier on her.
    I'm going to cut it short because I figure that how this stressed me out and how bad the stress and pain were can be gathered at least somewhat from that, even though it's highly condensed and missing some crucial points like how she used to have a crush on my ex friend who is now her best friend and she was adamant about being friends with him specifically (also a shortened version).
    She told me I had helped her feel better about her dads death last year, and that I had filled the hole in her heart he left and nearly replaced him. Yet I'm so easy to drop and give nothing to in return for all I've given her.
    I'm drowning in stress and the pain of this mixed in is too much for me to handle. I don't think I'm going to make it past tonight.

    I'm going to sleep now, when I wake up I'm going to check this thread for support and call my two remaining friends for a final grasp at not giving up before the situation reaches critical. Thank you in advance for any help you attempt to give me and know that it means a lot to me that there are people out there that care about my situation.

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2007
  2. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Hey TS,
    Sounds like you've had a really tough time with this girl. Also sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants. She's probably still upset about losing her dad, even if she doesn't say so. How is her relationship with her mom and the rest of her family? If thats not so good, that could make things a lot harder for her. I can kind of relate to where she's coming from (my dad died 3 years ago and I'm still not ok) but it doesn't give her the right to treat you the way she has been. Do you and she talk about how she feels about stuff or about her dad ever?
    Its really hard to have someone you care about that much treat you the way she has been, and its hard not to be able to say goodbye. But I guess my suggestion to you would be to try and take some time - a few days, whatever - see if you calm down about it at all. See if anything else becomes an option. Is she really worth dying over? What would that achieve?
    If you want someone to talk to, you're welcome to pm me, or post more here. I'll check this thread again tomorrow, assuming I'm not totally out of it with my own depression. I do hope you feel better. Best wishes.
  3. PrismBlack

    PrismBlack Member

    It's not really about the relationship being over. She broke up with me and took me back a lot. It's how she said it this time and just the stress that comes along with her doing this.
    I made a mistake that made everything worse. I made an innocent comment about finally getting to meet her dad. She responded, via text:
    "don't ever ****ing talk to me again! how dare you bring up my dad you immature pathetic ***hole! **** OFF!"
    I responded, via text:
    "That's not what I meant. I'm sorry. I really am. I wasn't saying anything bad. I just meant it'd make me happy. [Her name] I don't want to go on bad terms with you. Don't take that badly."
    "Too late. You have NO RIGHT"
    "[Her Name] I'm Sorry! I didn't mean anything bad! Please forgive me. I'm so sorry."
    Nothing from her.
    "I really am sorry. I've been trying so hard and I let an inner thought slip. I get it though. I won't talk to you anymore but do please forgive me. Bye [Her Name]."

    Now when I woke up I had this.
    "I cannot believe you went that far... How could you do this to me? i trusted you. i let you in!"

    I decided in one last response:
    "I trusted you also and you shattered it. You never tried, it was always what was easiest for you and hardest for me. You never thought about me. I'm sorry."

    As I was typing that last one she sent "kay bye"

    I don't know if that shows how selfish she really is, how I had some duty to her but she had could do whatever she wanted. The part about trust should make it obvious.
    Anyway, I don't have an many coping resources, I'm going to go try what I can, but I just think I'm in too deep. I've tried things and nothing feels better, I can't even smile.
    If anything helps I'll be back to tell you how it went and if anything is changing.
  4. PrismBlack

    PrismBlack Member

    My mother woke up and found my note before I was about to get in my car and go through with it. She stayed up for a couple hours comforting me. I decided to give it another day.
    The girl doesn't seem to realize that I accept that me and her are over, I just want her friendship and recognition. Sure in a month or so I'd try to win her back the hard way, the same way I got her in the first place, but not right away.
    I asked her if she cared about me as a person, she got angry with me: "IT DOESNT MATTER. y the fuck should i answer - for your own satisfaction. as a person, yes i care about you but that is it. we are through".
    She says she cares about me as a person, but she's not showing it.

    I think she ****ed my ex best friend turned her best friend, they were out from 12am to 4am together alone. His car wasn't at either of their places, I checked both houses every hour; I know that makes me sound like a stalker but I checked because the weather has been really rough and I've been worried about her. But since the weather was bad they couldn't have been driving all four hours. I don't know what to think. All I know is that if they hook up I'm loosing all faith in humanity and I may lose my mind and do something highly illegal.
  5. Only1?

    Only1? Active Member

    Just drop the pair of them, they are both no good for you. I found out early on that true friends dont hang round you for their own gain. I would rather have 1 true friend than any number of aquaintances. People come and go all through life, its just the nature of it. Dont waste anymore of your time or emotion on these people. Look for something new for yourself and build on that.

    Take care, and if you need to chat, Im always happy to listen :smile:
  6. PrismBlack

    PrismBlack Member

    I know I should just drop them and leave them in the past, but that's the problem. The ex best friend I did, the only reason he was still brought up was because he had weaseled his way into being friends with my ex.
    I can't leave my ex in the past and move on though. She's the most important thing in the world to me. I can't stop caring about her and I won't stop. One way or another, I'm going to get her back. If I can't then I'm not going to be alive. She's the girl I'm going to marry and grow old and die with, I just have to get back into her life so I can remind her of how great we were together.
    I don't care about what anyone else thinks about me but her, and right now she thinks badly of me and I still don't understand completely why, I need to fix that.
    Before this all happened I loved myself, I found myself attractive and everything. Since it happened I can't stop thinking that there is something wrong with me. I'm starting to hate myself, and that's not going to be fixed until she's back together with me or I get her to give me her real reasons and my lasts (last intimate kiss, last intimate hug, etc.). We agreed halfway through the relationship we'd do lasts when we broke up, and that we'd have breakup ***. "No matter what" we said. She's not holding up to her end of the bargain, she's not giving anything back to me, she's just taking and taking and telling me im a loser and i need to just deal with it. IT ISN'T THAT EASY.
    If things ever get worse or i cant get back with her I'm thinking of suing her for mental anguish and undue stress. She doesn't have any money or anything but I'd like to put her through as much sh*t as she put me through.
  7. whynotme?

    whynotme? Well-Known Member

    I hate to say it but, if you truly loved her the way you say you do, this sentence would never come out of you 'lips', so to speak, in a million years! We want the people we love, truly love, to be happy no matter what - even if that means not being with them. i think that you are hurting right now and i've been there. i fell instantly in love with someone and we were together for 18 months, engaged the lot. then she left me for someone else by kissing them in front of me. it tore me apart, i became depressed, tried to kill myself, the works. and part of me hated her for what she had done to me. but there were parts of me that a) felt sorry for her because i knew that, until she settled her own demons, she would never be happy because of the person she was and b) just wanted her to be able to do that, to be happy. she was such a troubled girl and i loved her and wanted to make her happy, but i cuoldn't and so i just hoped that somebody else would be able to and eventually moved on.

    i am sure that this may seem like it wont help but, i now have a three year old son, a wonderful boyfriend and a happy life. i moved on. i still think about her all the time and it makes me sad but i know she is happier now than she was with me and i draw comfort from that because i still truly love her.
    i think if you take a step back, try something new in your life and decide wether you truly love her for the right reasons or wether you are just hurting because you want something that made you feel good but that you can no longer have, then you will be able to begin living your own life again and realise that there are other things that can keep you going.

    i hope i have helped, i have only been honest.

    pm me if you want to talk about it

  8. PrismBlack

    PrismBlack Member

    I was lying when I said it. I wouldn't do it, I thought it would make me feel better to say I would but reading over it again it crushes me that I said it, even if I didn't mean it.
    She said she had a bad night but wouldn't tell me about it last night, and I'm still worried now, I really do want her to be happy, but I want to be happy too. The only way I believe I could be happy is if I was with her, and failing that I'll die before I live the rest of my life unhappily.
  9. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    One question that came to mind when reading your newer posts - why are the "lasts" so important to you? If she's already decided you guys are over, at least from my point of view, it'd be purely for the physical pleasure of it. I can understand wanting to be able to say your goodbyes and wanting to get the real reason for her actions, but I don't get the intense desire for your lasts. Not trying to be critical here, I just don't get where you're coming from.
    Also, why is this relationship so important to you? You said that she's basically been using you and that she's been very selfish. These things seem to make you unhappy, yet you're convinced that you can only be happy when you're with her. How come? What does she bring to the relationship?

    For what its worth, I'm glad you decided to wait another day. Best wishes, and hope to hear from you again.
  10. alice0705

    alice0705 Well-Known Member

    If you were happy and fairly content before the relationship, you really need to get some space between yourself and this girl. At least temporarily. She is fighting her own demons, she sounds like she is on a roller coaster and taking you along.

    I know it is hard to hear, but you will be happier without her, once you get some distance and objectivity.
  11. PrismBlack

    PrismBlack Member

    The lasts are because we both were each others real first kisses and we lost our virginity to each other. It's really not just physical for us, we shared some sort of bond and there was nothing but love when we had ***.

    I was miserable before I started going out with her. What she brought to the relationship is just that she gave me an immense sense of joy from just being around her and hearing her say "I love you" and helping her make her life better. She never asked me to buy her anything, she was just really critical of herself and she had trouble not blowing up over small things because she said she didn't think she deserved me. She always thought she was helping ME when she did something like break up with me or give me a reason to, but it never was, it tore me to pieces inside because she is too good for me. She's an angel inside and she just needs time to grow. Lately she was getting more independent, and I could see that she was hurting from the stress of failing out of college, and I was doing nothing but trying to comfort her and she was still opting to make bad choices. She wanted to get a tattoo(not for a particular reason, thats why it's bad. tattoos should have an established reason that is important and always will be), she wanted to get drunk and didn't stop talking about it. I dunno, it seems like as soon as I stopped trying to pull her away from those things directly and just keep her close-by most of the time she pulled away, and then after not seeing me for two days straight she gave up on me. I really don't know.

    The using me and such only makes me unhappy now that shes gone. It actually made me happy when she was with me because i could see that using me and just me being around made her better. Right now I look at her status updates on AIM and Facebook and she seems miserable without me, so I don't know what this is really all about.

    She wouldn't admit it but I'm probably one of the most important people in her life. I gave her life balance and happiness when she was constantly depressed before, I helped her stop cutting and stop wanting to cut. I helped her stop drinking for the wrong reasons, but she kinda started going back to it in the end, I kept her from getting hooked on pot, she only tried it once because I pulled a psychological trick on her so she wouldn't enjoy it. I helped her accept and forgive her dad's death. The only time recently she cried about her dad was when i made that comment on accident. Which leads me to believe that even without me there filling up the hole her dad left like I used to, she's going to crumble back into a pit of depression. My ex best friend won't help her, he's not good at emotions. Her sister won't help her, she never really did before, they talked and she said it helped before we started going out but she wasn't better until I came along and brought order and balance to her life.
    I'm really scared about this guys. This is the reason I haven't killed myself yet. I'm so worried about her and it's tearing me up inside. She won't talk to me at all but I know she needs me and I know she loves me. I just need to know why she thinks she doesn't or just plain why she's doing this so I can fix it and heal her heart again.
    This is the reason I can't let go. Last time when I let go, before she came back and made the promise, when I told her I let go she cut herself up real bad. Even now, without me letting go she's probably cut herself and she's probably doing really miserably and feeling lost.

    Oh my god. I think I know what she's doing. I just thought of this and it fits her personality and fits everything that's happening.
    She wants me to let go so she can kill herself. She's placing this wall between us so that I'll hate her and everything.
    Guys she won't talk to me, what can I do to reach out to her and tell her that she shouldn't do this and that I'll take care of her and protect her.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 24, 2007
  12. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

  13. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    If you're seriously concerned that she might hurt herself, call someone in her family or a close friend, explain that you're worried about her (if they already know about the cutting, that'd make it easier for you - you could just say you're worried and you don't want her to go back to that). Maybe consider sending her a note saying ok, you understand you're over and thats ok, but you still care about her and you'll always be there if she needs you or something like that.
    Don't push her too hard though. She is fighting her own demons, and thats something everyone has to do alone. If she's pushing you away, you can't help her all that much. Try to trust in her ability to take care of herself a bit. Not to the point that you're ignoring anything, but just don't drive yourself nuts worrying about her. This is so much easier said than done, but there's a limit to what you can do to help other people and beyond that, they're on their own and there's not much to be done about that.
    Best wishes.
  14. PrismBlack

    PrismBlack Member

    It's a little surprising, but she's actually stopped pushing so much. I think she's realizing that I make her life easier and better.
    She randomly texted me today while she was at dinner with her family because she was bored. This is a good sign; she wouldn't text me unless she had no one else to turn to to try and help things. The ex friend works 8 hours a day five days a week and isn't really available to talk.
    I developed a theory from talking to her a little bit, even though she wouldn't give details or even the name, and her updates on Facebook. I think she tried to get into a relationship with the ex friend but he wasn't interested so now she says she's "laying low" when it comes to new guys. I think that she was hurt by him not wanting her so she's moved a little away from him. Her sister is a full-time student and full time worker who only has weekends off, but those weekends are full of homework so she's not there to help.
    Honestly she only ever had me to turn to, and I think she's realizing that a little, which makes me happy because I feel a little important again. I realized that she needs me, whether she'll admit it yet (even to herself) or not, so I can't kill myself. I'll stick around to support her, even if it's with another guy because in the end she'll come back to me. Me and her were meant for each other. She's a handful, but I'm a very patient man with her because I love her, a lot more patient than any other guy would be with her because she does do a lot of things specifically to sabotage her relationships. It's because I'm more feminine and emotional I think, and not in the sappy way, I'm one of the real emotional guys who actually cares about the people important to him and empathizes with them; I feel other peoples pain more clearly than my own; once my wits are about me at least.

    The suicidal thoughts haven't stopped yet. It worries me a little but I'll hold on for her. I feel right now that I could hold on for a year without being with her before I tried anything again. I did try to kill myself, I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys. That's all if nothing bad happens though. If my life falls downhill I could end up right back where I started.

    Concerning talking to her family about it. There's a problem with that: Her mother is a fanatical Christian and never liked me without even meeting me, I met her once outside their apartment by chance and she was incredibly rude to me. The sister, even though she flirted with me constantly, listens to her about me and wouldn't even answer if I tried contacting her because right now my ex has probably told her to have nothing to do with me. Her sister is very cold when she leaves me, on my ex's command at least.
    Those two are her only direct family, the only ones I have numbers for, and the only ones who live close enough to make a difference, she lives with both of them at varying times in either one's apartment.

    Rae, I've told her the exact thing you said for me to tell her. I did yesterday. I'm pretty smart (167 IQ), I'm good at plans and figuring things out. That's how I know so much without being told and got her so come back so easily all the other times. I just need time to calm down and then everything falls into place in it's own time with small pushes from me here and there. Thank you though, it makes me feel like that was definitely what I should have done, and I'm glad I did it. :smile: :hug:

    You guys have been amazing. I'll try to keep everyone up to date on how things are going and I welcome suggestions completely as, even though I'm smart, I still make mistakes. I'll try and pull my weight around here offering advice. Thank you all so much. It really means a lot to me that you offered your help, I don't get much of that offline, if at all most times. :hug:
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