it will happen

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by here2day, May 2, 2008.

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  1. here2day

    here2day Well-Known Member

    i get better. i get worse. i get better. i get worse.i get better. i get worse.

    its the fate of a manic depressive, isn't it?

    Eventually i will kill myself. eventually the effort it takes to breathe will be too much for me to handle. eventually the pain will suffocate me. eventually i will make a screw up that weighs to heavy on my soul and it will happen.

    it hurts so much today. the pain is too much for me to keep bottled up inside me. i don't know how to let loose of it constructively. i don't trust anyone. i don't trust posting thigns here either. i have spent many many years building walls and blocking out the people who hurt...but i didn't leave myself a door for a friend to walk through either. my fortress is my prison. *they* can't hurt me, but i am now left to hurt myself instead.

    i've tried multiple times in the past. a few attempts were honest attempts at dieing... not just attempts at ending the pain. i realize the pain will *never* go away. it will be with me in this life and the life to come. i can not escape it.

    it hurtss way to much. i don't..i don't deserve this. no one does.

    i clearly see my failures. i clearly see where i've taken myself and the path ahead of me is bleak and unwelcoming. and lonely. i keep searcching for a way to turn around. to make a better decision. to make a better, heathier way for myself. i try. i fail. i try. i fail. my theory used to be "keep trying, eventually you'll get it right" now i'm older and not so niave. now i've failed enough to know better.

    medication doesn't work
    SI doesn't work
    drinking doesn't work...i just sober up when the money runs out
    pill popping didn't work.
    sleeping it off didn't work...i wake up to a nightmare worse than the one in my head.
    exersice didn't beat it out of me
    sex just made it more complicated
    talking about it got me in trouble
    medicating my "mentall illness" properly sure as hell didn't work.
    hugs and kisses didn't do it
    band aides can't cover the scars inside or outside.

    now what?
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You let your friends like me try to help you break down your fortress and let a little light shine in. Then together maybe we can start to find some ways that help you cope better and build some shorter walls, ones to protect you fom the hurt but small enough to let those that love you in to help when you need it. You're exhausted, hurting and alone right now. So yeah everything looks bleak and dreary. But maybe some of us here can help change that. All you have to do is reach out and we can help you. Please be strong and keep trying to hold on. I know it's so fricking hard right now, but if you give up you'll never get to see what else life has to offer. It can be better than this. You just need a little help to get you on the right path.
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