i get better. i get worse. i get better. i get worse.i get better. i get worse. its the fate of a manic depressive, isn't it? Eventually i will kill myself. eventually the effort it takes to breathe will be too much for me to handle. eventually the pain will suffocate me. eventually i will make a screw up that weighs to heavy on my soul and it will happen. it hurts so much today. the pain is too much for me to keep bottled up inside me. i don't know how to let loose of it constructively. i don't trust anyone. i don't trust posting thigns here either. i have spent many many years building walls and blocking out the people who hurt...but i didn't leave myself a door for a friend to walk through either. my fortress is my prison. *they* can't hurt me, but i am now left to hurt myself instead. i've tried multiple times in the past. a few attempts were honest attempts at dieing... not just attempts at ending the pain. i realize the pain will *never* go away. it will be with me in this life and the life to come. i can not escape it. it hurtss way to much. i don't..i don't deserve this. no one does. i clearly see my failures. i clearly see where i've taken myself and the path ahead of me is bleak and unwelcoming. and lonely. i keep searcching for a way to turn around. to make a better decision. to make a better, heathier way for myself. i try. i fail. i try. i fail. my theory used to be "keep trying, eventually you'll get it right" now i'm older and not so niave. now i've failed enough to know better. medication doesn't work SI doesn't work drinking doesn't work...i just sober up when the money runs out pill popping didn't work. sleeping it off didn't work...i wake up to a nightmare worse than the one in my head. exersice didn't beat it out of me sex just made it more complicated talking about it got me in trouble medicating my "mentall illness" properly sure as hell didn't work. hugs and kisses didn't do it band aides can't cover the scars inside or outside. now what?