I havent been on here for a while, because my depression was really deep and I started drinking and was addicted to nightquil/dayquil medication till my husband found out. Now he is going to boot camp and I moved and living with my sister and closer to a friend that has access to drugs. All I can think about is doing them. Anything to feel numb, anything that could help me become braver or closer to death. I cry every night, living with my sister who is a complete success while I am just a no one. I will always be a no one. Everyone says try, everyone says it will be better, everyone says it's going to be okay. What else should they say? I am planning, and I have been planning and doing so much research. My goal is to die. Nothing in my life is satisfying. We are all going to die anyway so I really don't see the point of prolonging my life. I wish I could trade places with someone who was dying, someone who had a terminal illness. People see people who died on the news and feel sad. I feel angry...I wish that I was one of those people. Why should they die and I live? I think its a horrible injustice that someone who wants to live life dies and someone who despises it so much like me lives. Wish I wasn't such a chicken, but I will find a way...Can't keep failing at everything, maybe I can suceed in this one thing.