It won't get any better

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AngelofPainandMisery, Oct 18, 2015.

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  1. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    I am tired of being ignored.
    I am tired of being nothing.
    I should be used to this by now but for some reason I'm not.
    I've learned there is a double standard: there's how everyone is treated, then there's me to be ignored or taken advantage of.
    Everyone seems to know or sense this, but me, who for some reason expects diffrent at each encounter or new experience or new place.
    There's me who is gulible and desperate enough to believe that people mean what they say, and they never do. I don't think I ask for much anyways, but I dont even deserve that.
    I'm just trash, all of my effort means nothing, so just ignore me and leave me in total silence so I go mad. Who cares, its not like I have any place or importance?!
    It not like I actually have feelings (and I shouldn't), it's not like I'm not totally alone, its not like I am human and deserve any treatment along those lines, its not like anyone cares if I was dead tomorrow. No, just abandon me, leave me to silence, I'm already crazy, who want to deal with something like me?
    Who cares it's not like I deserve any better, experience tells me otherwise, doesn't matter what I think or feel of everyone tells me different, anything otherwise then you're delusional.
    Just don't ever say anything, just don't ever expect anything diffrent, just don't have any expectation of believe something good can come, then you will be just fine.
    Just one less wasteful person, one less complainer, one less responsibility, one less person to deal with.
    Why not I don't really exist anyways?
  2. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    I dont think this will help but I feel the same. Meaning you're not the only one going through that.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi astrid, from the moment you joined here I have offered you an outlet- a place to get your thoughts out so people DO care about you. I know more than anyone how bad the teenage years can be, it's a horrible place to be and with thoughts like this added on you are certainly on the side of feeling like no one cares. We do here. I promise. I wouldn't be on this site for 8 years if no one cared.
  4. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Astrid, I promise that if you hold on there it will get better. I really feel like one of your biggest problems is the way you see yourself, so I've taken it upon myself to keep reminding you that you are not broken, worthless, or a bad person. I can tell by the way you care for your animals that you have a lot of love and compassion to give and no person who has love to give is useless. Try turning a little bit of that compassion onto yourself, ok? I know it's hard to break the pattern of hating yourself but it's not impossible. And as always, please message me any time you need support:)
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Excellent post. :)
  6. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Astrid, You do exist, you do matter you are a person of value, I care, We care in this room, I do not have an agenda to deceive you or even to lie to you. I know that you Exist because you have feelings you have emotions, I do not for a minute believe that you are gullible or foolish, I do not think or feel that you since you have been here have been taken advantage of by anyone here. Your efforts
    do mean something because you mean something, I know that right now you may not think , feel or believe that or anything right now! Your experience here has not been in vain, you have not been deserted no matter what you believe right now! I am here ready to pick up where we were before this side of you emerged! I am sure there are many others that will be here as well!
    Astrid you deserve the best. the same as everyone else here, I know that inside you know, feel and believe that, we will just have to wait until the real you is back! I hope that you will take care of yourself, Please do not harm yourself Many will be waiting here when you are able to come back to be with us again!
  7. AngelofPainandMisery

    AngelofPainandMisery Permanent loser

    Thank you to everyone who replied, I don't know what to say anymore. I cant to another week like this, I can't go another day like this.
    It's the same thing everyday. Wake up at the break of dawn, rushed to school, being totally ignored at school, come home and berated and yelled at by my mother, doing (of attempting to do) homework, being unable to sleep, or crying myself to sleep. And the cycle repeats. I hate this I hate the situation I've put myself in. I can't get away. I cant make anything change. Its use less.
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