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It wont leave me alone

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As the heathen in me loses energy, I get weak. this leads me to my old friend faith. a seemingly unending source of fearless zeal I find amazingly life affirming. like an out of body experience, my thoughts attuned to that of everyone around me. its great. then I lose the faith. its so hard to explain. why does every single time I get the full picture in my head sorted. It has to change. I seem to be some kind of religious chameleon when I 'loosen' up, one minute its god, then its jesus, then its buddhism, then its paganism. Is the Holy spirit just messing with me for fun because I betrayed everything I studied for so long. I don't know, I just need consistency in my life but I can't have it because my mind always reminds me of the faith I had and the different things Ive considered. How can I relate to any group or person when I don't know who I am? it sucks. For the most part Im just not religious and I get so angry with it. But then it sucks me in and I can't resist the refreshing glow of fearlessness within me, moving me. but my head just can't agree on how to put the peices together.
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