Why do I keep thinking it would be so easy after all, just a simple step and a permanent solution to everything? Thirty years is enough and if you ask me truthfully far too many years, waking up not wanting to do anything but just fall back asleep, I don’t want to do any of this anymore and I can’t see the point of trying to make it any further. Everyone just says that it will get better but I have lived that motto for ten years and you know what it never really does change, nothing ever gets better you just try and find another way to medicate away life, another way just to make it another day. You get to watch everyone you know grow old and die, you know the things you loved will disappear even further and what is there in that, why stay to watch it all happen? I think I was done a long time ago, I think I just never could do anything as I always felt so much guilt about those who would be left, but is that enough? All the destructive behavior, all the things done all of them hoping for just enough of a reason everyone could see, and understand why. That is a false hope, no one could ever really understand why someone would do such a thing unless they themselves had looked well into that abyss. I want to shut off my computer, log off from work and pack a case of beer and ride the horse one last time, say fare wall to one of the only things that really ever made me smile so long ago. Find that nice spot overlooking the hills and toast the world a final and well overdue farewell. I know I could never do it, I could never do that the people in my life, I am stuck in a life I do not want but am unable to leave. So another day will go another fake smile and another lough that seems legit enough. Someday it will all end. And one day I will find the peace the end will bring that I never could find in life. For a coming sunset I will yearn.