Been playing ping pong in my mind for years. I've been hospitalized many times in the past 11 years and nothing changes. I've moved, switched careers, let go of toxic people, and have continued therapy the whole time. I've reached a point that it's too overwhelming to think of a long-term goal. I don't see myself living long enough for that. I lost my dad when he was 39, me 7. I've never gotten over that. I have no memories from 12 under. I've tried to search for repressed memories but it doesn't work. I've done ECT, along with every psych/anxiety med out there. I'm too scared to live. I'm mentally stuck at 15(I'm 31) for years. I have no 401K nor have I saved for anything. I live in the moment but not in the positive way I've been taught. I ruminate on the past/present/future constantly. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of having physical pain constantly and not getting relief. I'm tired of being told to just 'stop stressing'. I live in a perpetually anxious state. I don't wanna live like that anymore. I want to let go.