It'll never end until I make it end

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by JAKngu, Jul 25, 2014.

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  1. JAKngu

    JAKngu Member

    Been playing ping pong in my mind for years. I've been hospitalized many times in the past 11 years and nothing changes. I've moved, switched careers, let go of toxic people, and have continued therapy the whole time. I've reached a point that it's too overwhelming to think of a long-term goal. I don't see myself living long enough for that. I lost my dad when he was 39, me 7. I've never gotten over that. I have no memories from 12 under. I've tried to search for repressed memories but it doesn't work. I've done ECT, along with every psych/anxiety med out there. I'm too scared to live. I'm mentally stuck at 15(I'm 31) for years. I have no 401K nor have I saved for anything. I live in the moment but not in the positive way I've been taught. I ruminate on the past/present/future constantly. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of having physical pain constantly and not getting relief. I'm tired of being told to just 'stop stressing'. I live in a perpetually anxious state. I don't wanna live like that anymore. I want to let go.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi JAkangu,

    Welcome to the forum. You gone through a lot of turmoil in your life and the affect of losing a parent has played a major part in your life. Remember people go through a lot of ups and downs in life but they still survive. In accordance with your post your are truly classed as a "SURVIVOR" of life and you be proud of that which nobody can take away from you. That must mean something to you and gives you a reason to live.

    Things happens in our lives for many reasons and we need to deal with them on a day by day basis like you have. You should continue to live your life as you see fit but your surviving on a day by day basis. Please take some positivism from this post and I hope it helps you in your current crisis.

    Finally, welcome to the forum and keep posting here for care and support of the forum.
     
  3. JAKngu

    JAKngu Member

    Thanks for replying to my post. It troubles me that I can say a negative to each of your positives. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be able to take a compliment. Any good thing that has happened in my life, I always give the credit to someone else. When I lost my dad, I think most of me went with him. Because I have no memory, it's hard to imagine me acting different than today. My family says I was outgoing and adventurous. I'm no longer those things. Besides work, I like to be alone. When I think of the process of changing and maybe letting go of my dad, I get anxious and my mind goes back to just giving up. I'm young(ish) but I'm not alive inside anymore.
    I'm tired. Of it all.
     
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I know. even therapy is pointless to many.
     
  5. JAKngu

    JAKngu Member

    It's been a few days and yesterday was one of the hardest yet. Everything from every direction went wrong, and every where I turned I felt claustrophobic. I realized just how scared I am to keep living. There are so many things I have to do in every day life that I just don't want to do anymore. I don't want to see or speak to anyone. I don't want to move. I want to sleep. And sleep. And sleep. I 'contracted for safety'---that's one of those psychiatric terms I've dealt with over the years---to check in with my therapist every other day to say I'm ok. I said what's the point in that on a weekend or next week when you're away? And she said that it just puts responsibility on me--to hold myself accountable for my actions. Does she not understand what suicide means?
     
  6. JAKngu

    JAKngu Member

    It's such a nauseating roller coaster to live every day with that one question: Should I just do it? Pros and cons scream at me and I can't get a definitive answer. I'm going on shopping sprees, buying stupid crap I don't need or really want, and then instantly think who's gonna want it when I'm gone? That's not a way to live. But buying these things in the moment make me think that yeah, I'll be around to enjoy them. And then the smallest setback comes from anywhere, and I lose all interest; the dreams I had of moving on are no longer even in my memory. It's so scary and so sickening.
     
  7. JAKngu

    JAKngu Member

    I'm getting more and more ready every day. I quit my job, which in the moment felt right. Now though, what the F do I do? I'm done.
     
  8. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    *gives you a hug*
    It's good to see that you're still here so far. Let me try to make you play a game. To play it, you only need yourself, a piece of paper, a pen and the world around you. You get credits for some of the things you see or feel. You get trophys for 10, 20, 30, 40 and so on credits. You count the credits yourself and you decide on what you will get a credit from. Some examples from when I played: what I see: animals that live in the forest (such as squirrels or hedgehogs), dogs, sunflowers, smiling people (make them smile by smiling at them), keys, photos of people; what I feel: warmth inside me (focus on it, it might come on its own. If not, a cup of hot chocolate will do as well), "pride" (let's say situations when you should be proud, like when helping someone, getting something done (tidying up etc) or reaching a trophy) and so on. You wanna know what the game is called? "How to cope with life". I made it to give myself a reason to go on. I hope it will help you too. Just focus on the good things :)
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    A tip I learned of a website is to set a time of the day for ''worry time''. It works sometimes. Do you think quitting your job was the best idea? I know you say you've tried everything and anything but like cooki has explained there's so many ways to cope with life itself. Even searching the web you will get so many ideas that may or may not be helpful, but worth a shot. Please don't harm yourself! :(
     
  10. JAKngu

    JAKngu Member

    Thank you both for the replies. I'm obv still around but the thought just never escapes me. Quitting my job was rash and pointless. I did hate it and was disrespected, but I should know not to quit a good-paying job when I have crap to fall back on. I've tried the last few days to stay in the moment; I'm an insomniac so most nights I sit outside and watch the moon. I'm reading a book about Plato vs Prozac, trying to understand that I am in control of my own life. However, these are all distractions, eventually leading to the same thing. I'm going to be an unemployed 31 y/o, who has 10 months left on a lease. When I try and think about the future, even if it's just a minute, I panic. I get defensive and self-deprecating, wanting to self harm or worse. I was an hour and a half late to work yesterday. I fell asleep at 615am and woke up at 10. It's like I could even give a crap about going to that place. Idk. I just want some hope, direction, or reason. Quickly.
     
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