It's 3:30am, and i thought i should post this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ranger, Aug 22, 2010.

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  1. Ranger

    Ranger Member

    Its been quite some time i beileve since i last posted, but i thought i should post something since i have been thinking about death and what it would be like if i no loner existed on this earth.

    Im not too sure why i feel this way since i've been doing preety well for the last couple weeks or so. It just seems that if theres a certain song or end to a movie that triggers something in me that life could be better after death...(this is usually for music, but when i hear a song thats sorta depressing, i like listening to it, even though it does make me sad, i just do for some reason). Then i just start to think about it just about anytime that im alone or when im not in conversation with my parents or my friends, i just zone out sometimes and think about it.

    Like some of the stuff i think about is like what will happen at my funeral? who will be there? what are certain people wearing? details and such, that almost make it seem real sometimes, but then i also think about stuff like way that i could possibly die?

    Like im only still really young, i just bought my first newish car(had a few other ones). Its a 06 mustang GT, and my life seems to be really going forward cause im going for an apprenticeship in auto mechanics, but then it just seems to drop off coming next month.

    I know i posted this before when i first came, but just about everyone i grew up with is leaving at the begin of september for school, most going back for thier second year, but some, like my best friend, is going for their first. I know i cant control this, and i want him and my other close friend to have their education(spelling?), but i just feel like i'll be alone. There are a few friends that im really good friends with, but not as good as my buddy thats going for his first year this year and its like a 2 hour drive from my house, so its not like i can seem him quite often as it has been for the past many years.

    I know i have been told that losing or having a long distance friendship isnt the end of the world, but to me, it could be. Like i only really feel alone, is when i feel like theres not much i can see in the future. Like whats going to happen to me and what not.

    Im not really the kind of guy that goes up to random groups of people and starts talking about whatever, because i cant do that, if i tired doing something like that my mind goes blank and i feel like an idiot for trying(which has happened before many times). So i try to keep my friends close, but i just dont seem to that have energy anymore.

    I just almost like spending time with myself, more than being with anyone, sometimes i hate that i feel that way and sometimes i like it, but i dont like the feeling that im going to be alone, its probly my worst fear is being alone and not having someone by me if i need someone.

    Thanks for reading, if someone does read it. Im sorry if i put this in the wrong section, its early and im tired from not having a good night sleep the past couple days.

  2. Shift_Existence

    Shift_Existence New Member

    Trust me when I feel you about being alone. For alot of my high school life I was a loner since I would skip class (a lot) and run around. Like yourself I used to latch onto my friends sometimes suffocating them and I'd never hear from them again. Take some enthusiasm into your auto mechanics, make friends in the field, but make sure your not to eager. Be reserved, say 3 words and think 30, that is something I have learned as well. I had troubles making friends alot in life, dont be a mute, but dont smother them. You sound like a cool guy, you got a nice car, and hell you've got your career on track. Your buddy will always be around for ya, its what friends do for each other. Enjoy your time now and once he goes to school start thinking of all the fun things your gonna do at his dorm, apartment ect. Next time you want to talk with a group of kids you dont know, heres what you do. Make eye contact with one of them, give a little nod. Once that guy breaks away strike up a convo. Tell him about yourself a little and be curious of him, if not there soon you will be introduced. Just make sure the crowds you run with arnt going to get you in trouble or cause you trouble. Trying to push your way in never works, you have to come across as the guy everyone wants to be around (not saying your not already) make sure you engage everyone, make sure your sarcasm is obvious for the first few encounters aswell.

    On the funeral note - think about this. What will your best friend be doing there? Your parents? Possibly that girl who likes you but is too shy to actually say something. I realized after my first attempt at suicide how much my life impacts others. You may not see it, but thats because often others are too weak to tell you. Its not a fault its how things are, especially for guys. I bet your buddy can tell me 1000 stories of why he sticks by your side, so do us all the favor and stick around so when your 80 or 90. A funeral is a sad gathering of people for common grieving, might as well make them wait it out, who knows I bet you'll have a lot more people there once your a professional auto mechanic.

    Just remember, whenever you feel lonely, theres other lonely people too. I'm one of them and I love to talk. Next time you feel alone or sad or just need someone to rant with and complain about shit too, feel free to email me, pm me or just post on here.

    Keep your head up buddy,
  3. Ranger

    Ranger Member

    Thanks tony for your reply, i tried to reply to you last night, i wrote out a whole reply, but then crashed when i tried to post it, sorta depressing....

    I really do try to get out of my confort zone and meet new people at friends partys and stuff, usually if its a drinking event, and im pretty confortable i "pretend" that im drunk like everyone else, and it usually works most of the time. but i get the feeling i'll probly never hang out with these people after this party, which is a bummer cause some of the people i have met, are really cool, but they dont seem to care.

    well, i dont want my death to be all sad, what i'd really like to do before i die, is to do something for each of my friends and family before it happens. i have sort of writen a will inside my head about who will get what and so on.

    i can see everyone at my funeral being sad, but i dont want everyone to dress up like they normally do on these occasions(speeling?), i want my friends my family, people i just know to wear whatever they want. I would like to have people talk about the good times that they had when i was around, stuff that we'd use to do. and just to remember be is all i would like, besides the fact that i did see this happen once, and i would love it to happen at my funeral.

    I was at a buddy of mine dads funeral(he had hung himself, second suicide in his family), and there was another funeral that ended just after my buddies dads. There was one late 60's mustang couple rows across from us, definitly modified from the looks of it, he jumped into his car and did this massive peel out all the way to the gate(must of been like 50ft) covering a small area with smoke, you couldnt even see the car when it had stopped at the gate. Sounded like he waited a second, then he drove off like nothing happened(even though there was still quite abit of smoke). Now i'd like that as a send off at my funeral, if something amazing would happen like that.
  4. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    You really had alot to say and I can relate to that.
    I've constantly got SO many ideas floating around in my head and sometimes I think I'm just going crazy because I can never think straight or concentrate on one idea at a time.
    It's really difficult...
    But reading your post, I felt like those words could've pretty much been my own as well.

    I'm 22. I feel like 'that's it' for me. Out of everything that has happened, somehow I just feel so used up and tired- I've got no dreams anymore.
    I used to have my whole life figured out. I had so many plans, I was happy; like an idiot... I devoted myself to loving the one person I thought understood me and protected me but he ended up breaking my heart after nearly 8 years together. I just can't understand it...
    My relatives are dying left and right... the people I knew in highschool... everyone is changing but I've stopped dead in my tracks for some reason.

    I always knew that people moved on- people have to move on, right? Things can't stay one way forever, that's the way people are.... but at the same time, I just don't get it.
    It doesn't make sense to me anymore.
    None of it does.

    I'll tell you one thing...
    Thinking about things, trying to focus on the future without being there and seeing it firsthand is impossible.
    All we can do is keep on living, changing, adapting.
    People will die, people will get married, good things will happen- bad things will happen... but the world won't stop moving.

    If you think about it too much, you'll just drive yourself crazy.
    It's hard to stop once you've started; I know.
    One part of growing up though - is just realizing that the rest of the world will keep moving on. With or without you.
    It is better to try and keep moving with it no matter what.

    ...I don't even know how much sense I'm making, really... but I hope you understand just a little bit.
  5. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I totally do that too....I also find that if someone distracts me from sulling into my depression, I get angry and agitated. You know what I mean?
  6. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I know that leaving or feeling like everyone is leaving you can be hard. I moved half way across the world and started a new life. I hear from people here and there but its all over. I am no longer in the group. Whaty I am saying is that you will realize that your friendship was based on proximity. You will find new friends. YOu will change and you will adapt, and it sucks saying good bye but its part of growing up. Pour yourself into your work. Get active with people in your field of work. Times change and people move away, but you can make it if you try.
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can completely understand where you are coming from with the socializing stuff. The same thing happens to me when I talk to a stranger, my mind goes blank. I have been told practice makes perfect when it comes to stuff like that. Maybe You just start out saying random things?

    You have identified what you do not like about life. You should fund a way to change it.
  8. Ranger

    Ranger Member

    Your making sense(did i spell that right?), but im having trouble understanding it or getting use to it..

    thank you for the reply

    I only get mad if im really into the song or if its something i just started listening to. but i usually try to hide the times that i really feel drepressed from my friends or parents etc.

    thanks for your reply

    That maybe just you, and that sucks that you moved so far away, but the people i hang out at work, i would only hangout with them at work. theres no real point in hanging out on free time, cause theres just not enough intrest between the people i hangout with at work to do that. that probly the same for much other things like partys and such.

    thanks for your reply though

    I have a buddy that go to any group of people and start having some random conversation that i would never beable to pull off, let alone start talking to.
    Saying random stuff, takes guts to do, when not drunk at a party or something where theres awhole load of people that i dont know. Not really the guy to talk to a group of people that already know each other. I try to say random stuff to start a conversation, but doesnt really go any where and it ends of being awkward...

    thanks for your reply though.
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