It's 4am and I've hopped a train to the end of L.I. and checked in to a seedy hotel

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Cheeto, Aug 27, 2014.

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  1. Cheeto

    Cheeto New Member

    I'm the closest I've ever been going from suicidal thoughts to baby steps testing the waters. I struggle to understand this. The highs and lows. The rapid onset. The lies I tell to keep people off my back b/c in reality my depression is as much a burden on others as it is on me. I played with a razor all night. I took my pills and I will sleep soon. I walked down the street to the ocean. I looked up at the stars in wonderment. My anxiety has been amped up b/c I know that taking my life will affect others in ways that I do not want to be responsible for hurting them. Yet I can not tell them. This is part of the struggle. I have gone to hospital before and will not go through that experience. It is routine, inhumane and completely opposite if helpful. You're taken hostage and run through the system until your insurance will no longer pay, then suddenly you're cleared for release but now with the horrible memory of that experience plus the stigmas b/c so many people are now aware. Some of us are just broken and can't be fixed.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: It's 4am and I've hopped a train to the end of L.I. and checked in to a seedy hot

    The thing with hospital stay it is just for saftey really it is to keep you safe from harming yourself. The hospital failed you yes if it did set up supports for you in the community after being released from their care. The best form of help was from community from people who understood what you are feeling Get your doctor to refer you to some community groups ok so you
    can talk to people who do get it so you do not have to feel so alone in your battle against depression
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Re: It's 4am and I've hopped a train to the end of L.I. and checked in to a seedy hot

    Hi there. Please do not harm yourself. I hope you have is a huge problem for people in the state's I have noticed. Get yourself to safety. Never make a decision when in such distress. Keep reaching out, no one should suffer in silence
  4. Cheeto

    Cheeto New Member

    Re: It's 4am and I've hopped a train to the end of L.I. and checked in to a seedy hot

    I made it through the night, just barely. I may have slept an hour or two. I'm on another train. Not sure where to get off today. How can so many of us be walking around like this yet not be able to find each other to help each other? Thank you to the two replies here. Although I fell off before I saw them I was glad to see that someone somewhere heard (saw) me but (and I mean no offense here) you are virtual people. I tried to have a reasonable conversation with my therapist about suicide b/c I need to talk about it but I can't b/c he immediately just wants to know if I want to hurt myself and says it is his responsibility to report this information and get me to hospital. That is exactly the opposite of what I wanted. Instead of helping me his words (to me) were a threat. They were not words of understanding and all they did was set off an alarm in my own mind that I actually cannot trust talking openly and candidly about this. I struggle with why I have such a relationship with suicide. If people really want to help people they should not scare them with threats of imprisonment in hospital. I am already imprisoned in my depression.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Re: It's 4am and I've hopped a train to the end of L.I. and checked in to a seedy hot

    Just putting out an offer to listen if you want or need to talk; feel free to post here or PM me anytime. I hope you can continue to hold on.
  6. isolatedandsad

    isolatedandsad New Member

    Re: It's 4am and I've hopped a train to the end of L.I. and checked in to a seedy hot

    I understand
  7. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    Re: It's 4am and I've hopped a train to the end of L.I. and checked in to a seedy hot

    HI Cheeto

    I agree with you on fearing imprisonment. When i had spoken to a psychologist about suicide. He asked me if I had a plan. I said , no. Then he said, that is good or he would not have been able to help me any longer and I would need to see a psychiatrist. Well, too bad. And the psychologist wasn't much help anyway. Only thing he actually did which helped me was a book he recommended to me, "Feeling Good" , by Burns. I made a list of everything that was and had ever upset me . Then worked thru the book slowly and dealt with each item on my list . That book helped me to see the error of my evaluations and to allow me to find some sort of reason why my upsets could be boosters instead.

    Still, some days I sit here and just long to leave this physical plane of existance. I consider all of the pain and stress I am experiencing and just long to leave here. But, then someone says something kind and I find the strength to hold on for another day. Perhaps I should put some cotton in my ears. I don't know anymore.

    I want to send you / give you a gentle Hug to help you thru this difficult time. It isn't much. But really it is enought to get me thru a day or two sometimes. And in the final analysis , a gentle Hug is a lot better than the so many Kicks I have received from people instead of a hug. They must be selling the kicks cheaper than the hugs.

    And I am including a snuggle with that gentle Hug. The snuggle is something to hold onto during the dark hours of the night. You can picture me there with you snuggling next to you and pulling a little bit of the covers from the bed onto me and you so we will be warm during the long hours.

    Why , you said. Why would I send you a gentle hug and a snuggle? Because , I see so much of myself in you , that I want to help you , and thus help myself the next time I am feeling so sad that I feel like taking that same train you took, to the end of the line. Because , in the end , and tomorrow , we are both just small Lights . Little parts of God - little Lights of God, that have felt that our Light is too dim to matter to anyone , any more. But somewhere in my deepest depths , I am still hoping that I will find someone to give me a dentle hug to help me thru this darkness too.

    I better stop now. That is because , I have been crying so hard and so long , sitting here in the dim light , trying to tell you how I feel toward you and how much I do care about you, that I am about to run out of tissues soon. And if I run out , I will not be able to see the page to write this to you nor will I be able to think any more because I will not be able to breathe any more . So, i bid you a good evening , and hope you will revel and relish in the gentle hug I sent you , and enjoy the thought of the snuggle to accompany you thru the dark night .

    Hugs and snuggles and here is a chuckle to add to that pile of favors and treats, enjoy all this Love I am sending you tonight.

  8. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Re: It's 4am and I've hopped a train to the end of L.I. and checked in to a seedy hot

    I feel the same way about the imprisonment thing. The law in my country that goes about punishing people after their failed suicides is equally bewildering to me - to put it mildly.

    Keep posting. I'll be listening.
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