I'm the closest I've ever been going from suicidal thoughts to baby steps testing the waters. I struggle to understand this. The highs and lows. The rapid onset. The lies I tell to keep people off my back b/c in reality my depression is as much a burden on others as it is on me. I played with a razor all night. I took my pills and I will sleep soon. I walked down the street to the ocean. I looked up at the stars in wonderment. My anxiety has been amped up b/c I know that taking my life will affect others in ways that I do not want to be responsible for hurting them. Yet I can not tell them. This is part of the struggle. I have gone to hospital before and will not go through that experience. It is routine, inhumane and completely opposite if helpful. You're taken hostage and run through the system until your insurance will no longer pay, then suddenly you're cleared for release but now with the horrible memory of that experience plus the stigmas b/c so many people are now aware. Some of us are just broken and can't be fixed.