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It's a Bad Day.

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Shiroi_Hana, Jan 16, 2009.

  1. Shiroi_Hana

    Shiroi_Hana Well-Known Member

    I know that I've already posted about this, and I'm sorry for being redundant. But I was cleaning my bedroom today, and I came across the funeral pamphlet for Kenny stuck between my bookcase and bed. I was in a pretty good mood earlier, despite still feeling like crap. I've been looking forward to getting out of the house; I'm going to stay with my aunt for the weekend and see my cousins. But of course, I made the mistake of opening the pamphlet and looking at his picture inside. And I just had to stop what I was doing; I laid down on my bed and cried for the thousandth time.

    I wish to God that I could walk up to my mother or anyone else close to me and tell them that I'm not okay; I'm trying to be brave and keep it to myself that I'm still hurting. It's only been a month since it happened, I am trying so hard to be strong and keep going. But I'm drowning, here. I miss him so much; I feel this pang in my heart that I haven't felt in a long time. It's literally hurting me; and having to keep it all inside is only making it that much harder to take.

    I wish that I could talk to my brother about this. Kenny was his friend, too. They were closer than I was to him. But my brother doesn't let his emotions show, and he doesn't talk about it when he's hurting. That's just his way, and I respect that. I also know that I can't let him see me break down; I'm the big sister. I have to keep this inside, or at least far away from him. But I can't count how many times I've wanted to just walk up to him and say just once, "I miss Kenny."

    I really do; I know it's useless to say, but I want him to come back. I know it sounds childish to say something like that. Death is not a foreign subject to me. I know that he's not here; I can't feel his presence like I did when Jason died. Maybe that's a good thing. I want to know that he's okay, and God knows I just want to sit down beside him and see him smile just once. I miss that; every memory I have of him is a good one. He was always smiling whenever I saw him.

    I know I'll never see him again, and that's what hurts the most. The fact that he's just gone, like he was never here at all. So much reminds me of him, because we had so much in common. I haven't even been able to listen to a lot of my music because it reminds me. I just want to see Kenny again, and that will never happen. I feel so broken-hearted; his leaving truly hurts me. I wish that I'd had the chance to sit down and really talk to him just once; but the opportunity never presented itself. We were always in a crowd, I knew things were bad but I had no idea he was that upset. I know that if I had had the chance, I could have reached him, because I know what it's like to hurt inside as well. But it's too late. I should have called him. I just want to go back. What a stupid thing to want.