I really don't have a reason, but tonight is really bad for me. I want to cry but have no reason to. For those who don't now me, I'm 37 years old. I am married to a guy who really loves me and tries to understand me... but doesn't. I have 3 teenage boys who don't deserve to have a moody mother all the time. I have been diagnosed as bi-polar and have tried a lot of different meds and nothing has seemed to work for me. I have extreme mood swings. Sometimes, like tonight I just feel like living is a curse. Other times I go into a rage that is horrible. To give you an idea of one of my rages, I had a virus on my computer. I was trying to fix it but having a bit of trouble. My husband came in and suggested I turn the computer off for a bit and try later. I got so angry with him that I threw a glass candy dish at him. Now I usually just walk away. My friends and family have learned when I leave it's best to let me go. What seems to make this so horrible is I have no logical reason to be depressed... yet I still am. This makes no sense to me. I would say I want to die... but that's not completely the truth. I'm scared to die. I think that is the main reason I am still alive. I don't know if maybe what's after is worse than what is now. I did try to kill myself once... and the amazing thing is once I started taking the pills I had such a sense of peace. I got tired and sit down on the couch and fell asleep. Next I remember I'm in the hospital and that experience was one of the most horrible I have ever been through. On top of being sicker than a dog, I was treated like shit... made to feel like I was one of the lowest forms of life. A friend had come over to my house to borrow my computer since she knew I was alone for the weekend and found me (I never locked my doors when I lived back home). I promised myself then and there if I ever got the nerve to do it again I would make sure it wouldn't fail. I will not go through that experience in the hospital ever again. But I haven't gotten the nerve to do it again... not yet at least. But now I just feel horrible and thought maybe getting my feelings out might help me feel a little better.