It's a bad night

[Aynot]

I really don't have a reason, but tonight is really bad for me. I want to cry but have no reason to.
For those who don't now me, I'm 37 years old. I am married to a guy who really loves me and tries to understand me... but doesn't. I have 3 teenage boys who don't deserve to have a moody mother all the time.
I have been diagnosed as bi-polar and have tried a lot of different meds and nothing has seemed to work for me. I have extreme mood swings. Sometimes, like tonight I just feel like living is a curse. Other times I go into a rage that is horrible. To give you an idea of one of my rages, I had a virus on my computer. I was trying to fix it but having a bit of trouble. My husband came in and suggested I turn the computer off for a bit and try later. I got so angry with him that I threw a glass candy dish at him. Now I usually just walk away. My friends and family have learned when I leave it's best to let me go.
What seems to make this so horrible is I have no logical reason to be depressed... yet I still am. This makes no sense to me.
I would say I want to die... but that's not completely the truth. I'm scared to die. I think that is the main reason I am still alive. I don't know if maybe what's after is worse than what is now.
I did try to kill myself once... and the amazing thing is once I started taking the pills I had such a sense of peace. I got tired and sit down on the couch and fell asleep. Next I remember I'm in the hospital and that experience was one of the most horrible I have ever been through. On top of being sicker than a dog, I was treated like shit... made to feel like I was one of the lowest forms of life. A friend had come over to my house to borrow my computer since she knew I was alone for the weekend and found me (I never locked my doors when I lived back home). I promised myself then and there if I ever got the nerve to do it again I would make sure it wouldn't fail. I will not go through that experience in the hospital ever again.
But I haven't gotten the nerve to do it again... not yet at least. But now I just feel horrible and thought maybe getting my feelings out might help me feel a little better.

 

[Dave_N]

Hi Aynot. I'm sorry that you're feeling so down. Bipolar disorder can be really nasty and it's not well understood in the medical community. I think my sister is also bipolar, though she hasn't been formally diagnosed. She occasionally has horrible rage episodes, though not lately. I think that eating healthy and exercising might help. Drugs don't seem to help for some people. Please hang in there hun, and don't try to end your life again. Your family needs you and will be very sad if you were gone. :hug:

 

[Aynot]

Thanks dear, and yes I do know. That's why I'm in the phase where I really don't WANT to kill myself, I just want to feel normal again. It's just sometimes it seems like I'm never going to feel normal and that usually ends up putting me into a downward spiral.
Last night I couldn't shut off my mind long enough to go to sleep. On nights like that it seems much worse because I'm sitting there so tired, but I can't stop thinking and it's almost always stuff I should be thinking on anyway.
I think it did help just to spit it out though. I'm kinda used to just holding it all in and not talking to anyone.

 

[magz74]

hi i am 33 with three children. i think i suffer with bi polar but not yet diagnosed,i am also a self harmer.i have a bf who knows now about the self harm,but only recently...he has excepted it but yet i fear he dont fully understand me,i to have major mood swings and often think suicidal thourghts ,yet i dont think i could hurt my kids that way.other than my bf i live with all this in secret,he want me to seek help,yet i do not have the guts or confidence to go.do u use the chat,im there every day and if u would like to talk,id be very happy to...tc

 

[Aynot]

Thanks Mag, I would love to sometime. I have been going through this since I was 25 or 26 somewhere in there and it wasn't until about a year ago that they diagnosed me as bipolar. When it first started out the doctors said I was just sad because my mother had recently died. Then after a couple of years they said I needed to see a marriage counselor (that was after the incident where I threw the glass container at my husband) after that didn't work they finally admitted I might be depressed and began to try meds.
It wasn't until I moved from Arkansas to Washington that my new doctor said it sounded like bipolar more than depression or anything and began trying different meds for that.
I'm holding out because I want her to be right and I want her to find something that helps me cope because I do want to live... I adore my family and I don't want to hurt them, it's just sometimes it feels that this paint will never go away and I can't take it anymore. It's then that I really think of ending it all.
I have my will filled out and even have a booklet written that lets someone know what all I want done when I'm gone. It lists all my friends (both online and in person) that need to be informed. It gives my husband the information on all our assets and what bills are due at what times. I have even written my own obit because I wanted to make sure that no one sent a lot of flowers to Jim and the kids... we have our own pet charitys that we would want the donations to go to. I knew he wouldn't be up to it if I were gone so I took care of that already. The only thing I don't have is the things needed to take care of matters. I did that on purpose. One I don't want it around here with the children and second I don't want it here so I can easily get hold of it. That way if I feel it's time I'll have a little cooling down time before actually doing it. Because I mean it when I say I really don't WANT to die... I just want to be somewhat normal again. I want to stop this heavy feeling in my chest and feeling of doom.