Some of you may have noticed me bouncing around asking for help but not making much sense. I want to tell you what's been going on. Two weeks ago my GP referred me back to psych because, after a period of improvement my mood was getting low and my thoughts more dark again. Psych said he didn't want to give me lithium because it causes weight gain and I have some little body dysmorphia, but there was a new one which treats anxiety and resistant depression and may help to restabilise my mood. So I left with new medication, which would not take effect for 2 weeks so also something to keep me calm in the meantime. I spoke to my partner, and we agreed to be prepared for transitional ups and downs. Two days after stopping the original med I started getting lightheaded. Pins and needles in my hands, shaky feeling, forgetfulness, and very tearful. On the third day I had a real meltdown, and my partner could do nothing but sedate me and put me to bed. This pattern continued to increase for the next 4 days. When I wasn't sobbing or sleeping I was researching suicide, gathering method items, making plans and fighting impulsive urges. So, finally, I called psych to say I wasnt coping. The secretary told me he was unavailable and there was no one who could give me advice so I should contact the GP. GP said perhaps I should go back to prev meds, or consider that the change was to great too quick because that can cause awful side effects, and gave me an appointment. Then the secretary rang back to say she'd managed to get a message to psych. She told me psych Dr said to persevere with change of meds and when I explained what GP had she simply said that psych had given advice. I said I didn't know what to do because i want going to make it 2 weeks until the new meds kicked in and she said i want listening to her and asked to speak to someone else in the house. I told her I was alone, to which she replied "I see". She then said that i had been tearful when I went to see psych on Monday anyway so... (and didn't finish that sentence). By this time I was sobbing, and when she said "are you listening to me?" I said yes but I didn't feel safe, and I was certain I couldn't take this for 2 more weeks. She said I wasn't getting myself anywhere and that she would say that she's given me Psych advice but I don't want it and am going to GP. Of course that made me cry more, i could hardly speak and she said are you listening to me 3 more times before finally I gave up and hung up on her. So I went to the GP anyway, so in a right state, and he said he wanted me to be assessed. I didn't want to see the secretary so I was anxious but he said I wouldn't have to see her and sent me out of the room while he made phone calls. I asked not to sit in the main waiting room so they put me in a little side room on my own. For ages. I got really paranoid and anxious about what the secretary might be saying so I locked the door (lock on the inside!) and made an attempt. I was interrupted by a text from my mother. It said "I hope you are safe". So I asked for help and the GP came to see me. He said the department with the secretary from earlier had all gone home (presumably because no one suffers from mental ill-health before 9 or after 5), and the crisis teams were arguing over who had duty of care (basically I live in a county that uses GP location as criteria but I see GP in a county that uses patient postcode as criteria). Anyway, while that continued a secretary from the GP practice came to sit with me. She was really nice. Didn't even blink at the obvious method still there and talked to me like I was normal, but poorly. I told her about the psych secretary and she said I'd done the right thing and she shouldnt have treated me like that. I sent her a thank you card yesterday. Then GP came back and gave me details for crisis team assessment. So, off I go to crisis team appointment. I wrote down what had got me there as a starting point and so they read that first. First thing they said then was to apologise for the way the secretary handled it. They said they would email Psych Dr and mention it, and gave me advice on asking for duty worker next time so I don't have to talk to the secretary because they don't want me not to call - that I did the right thing by calling. The conclusion of the assessment was basically that I had to go away and deal with the symptoms. They did say it nicer than that, but that was the gist. They did give me some advice on using sedatives as preventative, rather than fire-fighting measure and agreed it would be short term until new meds kick in. So yesterday I went back to GP and explained what assessment said. So he said maybe increase sedative slightly and spread out over the day as advised. In reviewing meds he said, so you're still on X, just added Y, using Z in the interim which we will increase a like temporarily. Erm, no. I stopped X dead - as advised, i thought. GP showed me psych letter to him - in black and white, with an asterix either side and yellow highlighter "continue X and Z, add Y one three times daily. Fortnightly scripts as expressed risk of OD". Omg. No wonder. Agreed with GP to restart original med immediately. Continue new med. Weekly scripts until previous med beck in my system. Continue using sedatives for prevention for time being. Revisit GP in a week. Phone again if it gets bad. But such a simple misunderstanding came very close to me committing. It did cause me to attempt. I can't believe not one person picked up on it - I told every one of them but no one put it together. Until yesterday. And somehow, knowing and understanding is making it easier. Today the tears have not been inconsolable, and the urges not overwhelming. Soon I will be level again, I believe. Not better, not cured, but back where I was where the care plan felt helpful, sufficient. And from now on I will always repeat instructions back to make sure I've taken them in.