I've been chronically ill for nine years. I don't want to be here anymore. I am trying to learn how to differentiate between pain and suffering by studying the work of Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron. The pain is so relentless it is hard to continue. I wish I could go to sleep forever. It is strange to lose my fear of death. Now I long for it. I feel so much guilt because I think life is a gift and I should be more thankful for the experience. Pain can be an amazing teacher. It has taught me compassion and patience. Now I am tired. I can not do most of the things I love to do. I feel like a parasite. What can I offer my community in this condition? Is it more honorable to die? I tried to commit suicide three months ago and I had to spend a month in the psychiatric hospital. I search for a way to integrate myself into the community but I fail. I am only alive because of western medicine. I would have died long ago without medical intervention.