Its a tough day today!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jewel 24, Mar 22, 2008.

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  1. Jewel 24

    Jewel 24 Active Member

    I thought I was feeling better yesterday. I thought that I was going to be able to get out of bed and start the journey to climbing up out of the depression that I was in. I actually got up and went out with friends yesterday. We hung out all night. I even bought some shoes (though I dipped into my very small savings which made me feel bad this morning) and went out to eat and went bowling. But as the night wore on I started feeling depressed again. At first I was just silent, kind of passive and none of my friends noticed it. By the time I got home it was full fledge depression. I turned my phone off, didn't reply to any text messages and took some meds to go to sleep. I thought that maybe if I got some sleep I could cut this thing off. But nope. When I woke up this morning I felt some bad!

    I dont' know what the heck is wrong with me. The emotional pain that I felt last week is no longer as strong. In fact I don't really feel it anymore. I should be ok now. I should be fine. I should be going to work and functioning. But yet, here I am. I am stuck in between. I am not really suicidal because I don't have a plan I just don't want to exist anymore. I just want to lay down and go to sleep. I am tired of each day. Tired of the same thing in and out everyday.

    I need some comfort. But there is no one around to comfort me. I hate my family and my family hates me. And I can't ask others around me to put off thier own families to talk to me and spend time with me. I feel SO ALONE! But its always been that way. My friends don't like hanging around me when I am feeling depressed because I tend to bring others down. They tolerate my depression for awhile but after some time they tell me I need to get up and move on. But I can't! :please:
  2. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Sorry your feeling so alone hun ((hugs))

    You are feeling exhausted. Your friends cannot cope with the depression (not you). Your emotional pain and family issues are getting you down real bad. Have you had any help for your depression? I have been there. Depression (long term), you can try and try to motivate yourself but somehow it just don't always work. You are needing support hun in the areas of your life experiences that need attention and healing. xx
  3. Xistence

    Xistence Well-Known Member

    I feel like that a lot. Go out with friends, just to feel youself slipping into depression as the night goes on. It is very draining.
    It sometimes feels like the depression will never go away. When you think it is starting to leave, it hits again. Many people don't understand what depression is like, so they say things like "cheer up" and "move on" like it is just a down mood and not a mental disorder. My PM box is open if you ever need to talk. :hug:
  4. Jewel 24

    Jewel 24 Active Member

    Yes I am recieving help though the services where I live are not very good. They tend to focus on teaching people to accept thier mental illness as unchangable and permanently disabling as opposed to trying to help people live a somewhat normal life and manage their symptoms.

    I am on Lamictal right now because I am Bipolar. I have a therapist I see every two weeks and a psychaitrist every month. I also have a case manager I see each week. None of these things seems to be helping at the moment. And I'll be damned if I go back to the hosp again.
  5. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Typical of services all round!

    The 'disease' model of mental health is currently being challenged and hopefully the 'recovery' model (based on enabling rather than disabling people) will come into the equation slowly but surely.
  6. Jewel 24

    Jewel 24 Active Member

    I hope so. Around here everybody is reactive rather than proactive. If you are not displaying severe symptoms you are often times over looked. Unfortunately I fall into what they call here a "high functioning" bipolar person. So alot of times my appointments and treatment goals are cancelled/put on hold so that my treaters can concentrate on others they feel are in more desperate need of assistance. I am moving soon so hopefully there are some better services availabe where i'll be going. I want to find a Christian Mental Health service but I have not had any sucess thus far because alot of denominations do not recognize Mentall Illness as an illness but rather as a weakness or lack of Faith on the person that is suffering.
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Jewel. I'm sorry that you're going through such a difficult time right now. Going out with your friends last night was a good idea, because it allowed you to spend some time with others. Even though when you got home, you felt depressed, but at least you went out and had some fun. You have to take it one day at a time. Bipolar disorder can be managed, but it is quite difficult I'm sure. I think my sister is bipolar and she can be really hard to get along with sometimes. I'm here if you want to talk. :hug:
  8. Jewel 24

    Jewel 24 Active Member

    Thanks Dave! I am so happy I foudn a place where I can get some encouragement, support and understanding. My family and friends just don't understand! I have to take things minute by minute b/c I am rapid cycling manic depressive which means I have no idea when my mood is going to change and why. It sucks b/c ppl just don't understand how I can be so happy one minute and so sad and suicidal the next.
  9. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    I totally agree. Services concentrate on symptoms rather than the individual (the whole person is missed), they use the symptoms as a yardstick in which to measure distress, and then compare them to their criteria!

    Re Christian support, are you looking for Christian counselling in your area? I have a brilliant article about mental health and the Church which was in a MIND magazine some time back. There are many resources available online. It depends on what sort of support you are looking for.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 23, 2008
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