It's a wonderful life....NOT

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lostgirl88, Dec 14, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    I know it is childish of me but I really don't think people would notice if I disappeared. I am so close to OD'ing tonight I just need to make that final push, my therapist told me to call him if I got like this that his phone is always on. I didn't have the heart to tell him that calling would counter productive, if I want to die why call someone. Whose sole purpose would be to stop me how ever necessary even by calling the cops on me hard to die if someone tries to stop you
     
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hi lostgirl88, I like your name. I guess I could be lostboy77. In any case I was wondering what might make you change your mind? For me, it might be something like, a good job, a nice girlfriend or a best friend. Believe me, everybody would notice when you're gone! So don't hesitate to take your therapist up on their offer.
     
  3. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    At this point something as simple and silly as a gesture of friendship iRL. I no longer have the strength to dream of things like a good job or a boyfriend or even a best friend, not to be a disappointment, a burden, that lady in town that everyone avoids or acts like she isn't there because it is too awkward to acknowledge her existence. I used to say I lived my life in a fishbowl because I had a public job, then in got terminated and I learned how quickly the fishbowl became my prison with everyone and everything else on the outside and me stuck in this glass bowl watching everyone else's lives unable and not allowed to interact forced to watch everyone go on around me leaving me behind as if I had never existed.
     
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Is there any way you might be able to change your environment? It sounds like a change in scenery could do you some good. I know what it's like to lose a job, and with it, friends. The bitterness of betrayal is difficult to erase. That's great that you've held a position of importance in the community. I think it's wonderful experience, despite the pain you're currently in. I can't even say that--that I've had a job that genuinely made a difference. Do you think you could try to talk to someone around you now? Maybe you could get together and do something, or even pick up the phone. You never know, it just might put a smile on your face, and lives have been saved by less!
     
  5. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    Mister I appreciate you reaching out I try reaching out place a call, send a text they have all gone on with their lives too busy to return the call or text that hurts because I used to think that we were more than business associates that we were actually friends but friends would respond when I each out my phone and email are so quiet the silence is deafening.

    As for changing my environment I may not have a choice in that soon, if I can't come up with $1800 between now and next Friday my mortgage company is going to begin foreclosure I have tried to find another job I have blanketed the country with cover letters and resumes as well as searching for positions locally unfortunately I live in a small town there is very little in the way of professional jobs in a town of less than 5,000 and while my family may temporarily miss me, I am worth more to them dead than alive. No more debt, no more help to keep the utilities on, no more struggling to pay for college or to pay student loans. I read all these forums where people complain that those of us that are successful at suicide are selfish but it you think about it reality is we aren't. Financially, my family would be significantly better off if I died, my life insurance pays out for suicide since I didn't carry it out in the first three years of the policy depending upon how I carry it out if it looks like an accident I have several supplemental policies that will pay out and they will not have student loans for college, my student loans, mortgage and everything else will be paid off with money to spare. With me here it is no Christmas, major loans for school watching mom lose our childhood home to the bank and happy freaking new year.

    A smile on my face I forget what those are most weeks yes I am down, I am depressed I wish there was someone I could reach out to but then I realize rejection is a hard pill to swallow and when you have faced it time and again you begin to wonder if it isn't too big a pill this time. I didn't OD last night but that doesn't mean that I don't sit on precipice day after day.
     
  6. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    No lostgirl, I don't believe that suicide is selfish. But I do feel that the depression may be clouding your judgement with respect to the impact it will have on your family. You're looking at things from a problem-solving point of view, but sort of failing to see the forest for the trees. If you think your folks would trade you for some insurance money, you're clearly mistaken. And there's no guaranteeing that they will collect all of the monies owed, regardless of whether it looks like an accident or not. Insurance companies are very good at what they do, not overpaying, etc. But that is all beside the point. It's natural for you to feel responsible in some way over your student loans, but that is no reason to do this--money. Although it may be unbelievable to you, perhaps you could take a job that you are overqualified for just to try and rehabilitate your self-worth. I have done this before and you'd be surprised at what some positive interaction and satisfaction in a job done well (maybe better than anybody else!) can do. I realize that it might not pay the bills, fulfill professional aspirations and such, but maybe it can be a stepping stone as you leap back to what you're looking for. I'd really like to commend you for putting forth such an honest effort in seeking another job nationally. I think that's something that you should be proud of, even if it hasn't yet yielded the results. You've done it before: held an important job; & you can do it again. As long as you stick around, there's an opportunity to make things better.
     
  7. lostgirl88

    lostgirl88 Member

    Can I take a job I am over qualified for yes, I could work two jobs seven days a week but that wouldn't be enough to pay my bills. I don't even care I I ever hold a so called important job again a day in my life I would sell my body on the streets if I thought it meant I could come home at the end of the day and not wonder if there was something I wasn't going to have to fight to get the family to eat left in the cupboards because you can't be picky at there food pantry if I hadn't spent my entire life struggling with suicidal thoughts this period of recession/depression once again in my life might be easier to manage but after thirty long years and realizing that the longest consecutive up period in my life was about nine months long in my 20s and I am nearing my mid 40s I don't want to do this another 30 years I just drag others down with me.
     
  8. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I grew up in a town that size. It is tough. I'm sorry you've suffered so long. Have you spoken to you therapist recently? What kinds of things put you in a good mood? There must be some thing that helps! I wish that I had some easy answers for you, but I'm on my way out myself...
     
  9. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Lost, I can so relate. I'm 61. Have struggled since high school. Sometimes worse, sometimes better. Now I am at my lowest. Why? Lost job. Lots of interviews, but no one wants to hire old people. And they don't like hiring over qualified people either. They are afraid they will leave for another job.

    But please keep trying. Lets both keep trying. Lets both try something new every day. Nothing big. Maybe a different radio station, or tv show, or food. Don't know if it will help. But its worth a try.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.