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Its actually kinda funny...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by morrison, Oct 17, 2010.

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  1. morrison

    morrison New Member

    As i get closer to going through with this, all the horrid problems in the world start to melt away. Of course, the problems are still there, but now that I have made up my mind to end it, they don't seem to matter to anymore. Nothing seems to matter anymore. All that i feel is emptiness and...actually, Im not even sure if I even feel that because i have felt empty before and there was actually a feeling involved there. Im sure if my means or ambitions to end it were taken away things would resort back to how they were previously and the wall of sorrow would come back and hit me, but since neither of those things will be taken away it looks like im going to die in indifference to all of creation.

    I never thought it would feel like this knowing you were going to die. I had always looked at death with respect and fear of the unknown, and especially a fear of the whole process of actually dying. I can barely even feel physical pain anymore. Its rather interesting.

    I guess the whole point of this post is to ask others who have made up their mind to end their own lives how they felt up to trying to go through with the act, what made them decide not to, or any insight into what they felt prior to their attempt.
  2. DannyBoy

    DannyBoy Well-Known Member

    I've made the decision.

    I suppose i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little scared of what's on the otherside. Complete darkness? an afterlife? Reincarnation? Who knows

    I haven't chosen a method or date yet. I know that I can't keep living on though.

    Between the emotional problems, mental issues, my life, and the meds, I'm a complete trainwreck. I don't even really know myself anymore. I lost it a long time ago.

    So I just drag through the day to see how much more i can take before I end it.
  3. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Me desicion not too...because i am connected to others. As much as i am in pain, i would not want to inflict the pain of losing someone to suicide onto someone else.
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think that a lot of people get close to an attempt or are in the middle of an attempt, and they realize that they don't really want to die, they just want to not feel the pain that they do. I think that no one really wants to die. If they could just find a way to overcome their suffering and have happiness in their lives, they would want to live.

    I'm sorry that you have decided to do this and I hope that you will change your mind.
  5. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome

    I can relate to what you are saying. I have decided to die and there is only one thing stopping me for the moment. I have 5 weeks to rectify that but that is another story. I kind of feel at peace with myself now. I got so sick of the do it, dont do it swirling around in my head, im just happy to have made a decision.
    I have never been afraid of death only the dying part, by choosing how i die i dont have to be afraid because i know what is going to happen.

    Why have you come to this decision? I wont talk you out of it but have you sort any kind of help?
    Take care
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    oh, and please look into treatment. It would be too bad if you checked out and there was really a way for you to want to live.
  7. morrison

    morrison New Member

    I have looked at the whole treatment route and was treated for depression a year or so ago. They put me on anti-depressants and benzodiazepines. I didn't like the feeling of being drugged up all the time from the anti-depressant and the doctor ended up getting me addicted to benzos as they were prescribed at the maximum dose for some reason. It was definitely less than fun quitting all those...especially the benzodiazepine. All the while being a full time college student at a great university.

    I don't think im depressed, I just dont see a point in living anymore. I have a great family, plenty of amazing friends who would do anything for me, a great girl, and probably a very bright future if i stick it out. All those people were there for me when I went through all that a year ago. I just fake everything in life. I act how Im supposed to act to get where Im supposed to go in life. I am a word class manipulator because all i do is fake and act and charm. Im getting sick of it. I became a pilot and now make a living flying. Flying used to be one of the few things in life that I actually enjoyed, but now even that just brings more indifference and apathy.

    I have all these things in life, but i cannot enjoy any of them. All i feel is apathy and indifference. Maybe ive just gotten too good at faking how I feel that I forgot to actually be able to feel. I guess ill never know the answer to that one. Ive made my peace with God and am ready to go through with this. I can't even feel anything towards my own death.
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think not seeing the point of living and feeling apathy and wanting to die is depression, or at least a form of it.

    You might want to look into talk therapy. Not all therapists are good, but a good one could help you get to a better place.

    There's also other therapies, like electro-convulsive therapy. I'm a big fan of acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine for depression and a lot of other things.

    You might want to think about how devastating it would be for the people in your life if you killed yourself.

    Maybe acting your way through life is part of why you feel the way you do. Not expressing what you really feel can have some negative consequences. Not feeling you can show your true self to other people can make you feel isolated.

    I think I understand how you feel because I've felt that way before. Can you just put one foot in front of the other and just make yourself go to therapy?

    It would be too bad if you threw everything away if there was a way you could be happy.

    I think it's possible for you do this while still feeling numb. You don't have to feel, just go to therapy and see what happens.

    You need to find a good therapist though.

    Could you tell any of the people around you that you are contemplating suicide?

    This reminds me a little of a story told by a mountain climber on an expedition to Mt. Everest. I think he said that while they were coming down the mountain, they were "like sick men walking in a dream" (lack of oxygen). Perhaps you can back away from the precipice like a sick man walking in a dream.
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