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Its all a bit... odd

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Hi there, my fellow human beings

Today, its Friday, I had my last day, as an intern with a electricity company. I've been there all week, except Wednesday, when I had to go too the doctor, due to a bad cough, which kept me awake all night.
Anyways, so today was suppose to be my last day, yet I decided not to show up, when I woke up this morning. I could just feel, this would be one of "those day", and with my mood being the way it is, atleast lately, I knew I couldn't cope with it. Which actually comes as a surprise for me, cus' the dude who was assigned to show me around, and teach me various subjects within the topic of electricity, was really nice - and truly did his to motivate me, to a more prober life. A happier life anyways.

So now I sit here at home, with a bad taste in my mouth, because I didn't even show up for my last day, just because I basically "didn't feel like it". I found that to be rather selfish and pathetic, which gives me a even worst taste in my mouth. (The point of this, is just too show that I constantly disappoint myself.)

I am 20 today, and was declared as "healthy" back when I was 16. After 4 years of massive alcohol abuse, self-abuse, depression and suicide attempts. This was the worst time of my life, yet it was also the time, when I had the most friends, the most love from my family and girlfriend (whom later committed suicide) etc.
After a long time, dealing with my depression, I was finally happy again. Was confident in myself, and finally had dreams for the future. Yet oddly, this was also the time in my life, where I lost most of my friends. Mainly due to the fact, that most of my friends (including myself) was emo's, and I no longer wanted anything too do, with a community which engorges itself in maintaining the depressive factors, that play in that culture.

So there I was, 18, "healthy" and lonely. So I decided to do what I love. Study. I've studied politics, history, psychology, war and religion - and am kind of an "expert" in each of these topics. But unfortunately, studying books, isn't exactly something that gives you a great lot of friends. As a matter of fact, I only have 2 "friends" - and none of those two, know the real me. I have like a "political correct" me, and a me, me. I know all humans have many sides too them, but nobody knows the real me; and I'm afraid, if I did tell them about real me, nobody would even look at me. I'm a bit of a revolutionary. Like Napoléon, if I must compare me with someone else. I don't believe in socialism, democracy (corrupt as it is) and many other political ideologies, which you MUST believe in, in order to be a prober human being.

Actually I'm gonna stop it now, cus' I could go on like this forever... Long story short; I'm 20, lonely cus' I'm more interested in knowledge then partying and drinking, in seek of partnership in this life and, you guessed it, suicidal... - yet again.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Just want to say hi Perhaps it is time to talk to your doctor again re getting some help some support for this depression this downward spiral before it gets even darker hun.
I didn't get help from any doctors, with my depression. They gave me pills, which leaves you in a euphoric (spelled?) state of mind. That's not how you get happy, that is how you get brainwashed.

The doctors don't do nothing but tell me how I feel (I can do that myself), and tell me if I don't eat them pills, I will never be happy again. I can't, and I won't, get help from somone who is more motivated by their income, then their actual patients.

I think all I really want and need, is someone to talk too. I've tried that World of Warcraft, just for the social contact. And sure, I get some friends - but they don't wanna talk, just play the game. Not that I blame them, its kinda what they are paying for; playing the game. Not chatting.

I know I have a special look on psychiatry, but I believe a depression roots in social needs, that aren't being fullfilled. And social contact, is ofcourse one of those needs.
I understand your words. Your enept fortudee of pain that has somehow consumed a 'normal' life that seems 10 lifetimes ago. Sometime the feeling of lonlieness is the worse of all. Something that a doctor wouldn't be able to cure. Pm me if you would like to talk x
What I just don't understand is; I treat people with the utter must respect! If they need a place to sleep at 5AM, I happely open my door for them - and yet the next day, they just try to use me, for whatever reason.

I'm never mean to people, I never trash-talk nobody, I never say anything that could possibly make them feel bad ... i just don't get what's wrong with me? Is it that they think I feel superior too them, because I usually know whats right? Is it, that they think I don't care about them, because I'm not good at contacting other people?
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