It's all a bit of a mess.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thots82, Jun 5, 2011.

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  1. thots82

    thots82 Member

    I don't know why I'm here or what I expect as such, maybe just some understanding voices.
    I came out of hospital last night, second OD in 5 months. lots of self harm this time too, mainly to my arm and some on my leg.
    I'm going through a case of benefit fraud (not sure if people on here are mainly US or UK and will know much about that?) which was my fault but I was more naiive than purposely being illegal. Anyway, It seems I will have to go to court but I'm still waiting to hear. Prison is possible but that would definitely be the death of me. My agoraphobia is hard enough to live with anyway.
    I have a 2 year old son who is the main reason I'm still here. Unfortunately, the police were called along with an ambulance last night so now social services are getting involved. There was no need, I'm never a threat to anybody but myself.
    I'm also withdrawing from seroxat (paxil/paroxetine) which doesn't help. I'm trying to do it a bit slower this time but it is obviously still difficult.
    I asked them to commit me to some kind of psychiatric ward or mental hospital etc but they wouldn't. I told them I was going to do this again and again but still they wouldn't. It seems my cuts weren't bad enough and I didn't take enough pills and I was looking for attention instead of trying to kill myself. I think I was just trying to distract my mind from the anxiety to be honest. I felt disassociated from my body the whole time. It happens a lot.
    I can see myself doing this again as my moods swing so much but I have to do worse to make them take me seriously. Last time I did this I took a lot more sleeping pills and they put me on a list to see a counsellor...it took 5 months to see one (first meeting was last week). This time I'm apparently waiting to see a medication specialist.
    Anyway, that's my story. Not sure if anyone will reply. maybe just getting it all out was a good start.
    Thanks
     
  2. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    hi honey :hug: im sorry you are having such an awful time of it. Everyone makes mistakes ..ive made my fair share anyone that says they havent is lying ! I completely get why you are so desperate to free yourself from the anxiety. It must feel like the whole world is falling in but you can get past this with the right help. Because you have a very young child you will hopefully not end up with a custodial sentance and if you explain the situation to social services they may be able to help you get some counselling and support. Is there any reason why you have to come off your antidepressants ? I would think given your current state of mind that your doctor would be giving you some help. If you need to talk anytime im only a pm away xxxxx
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Get some legal aid, CAB office should be able to point you in the right direction.
    Unless the fraud was really serious they rarely dole out prison sentences, but it never hurts to have some legal bod in your corner.
     
  4. thots82

    thots82 Member

    Hi again,
    Thanks for the kind words. It made me feel a little better to be honest.
    I do have a counsellor now but I'm only seeing her once every 2 weeks. I've seen her once so far.
    I decided to stop my medication because I hated the side effects and I didn't want to be on them forever. I only ever took them erratically, once every few days so I thought I could come off them slowly by reducing the amount of times I take them per week/month. That sounded easier than a lot of people who take a higher dose and every day.
    I haven't spoken to social services yet, I thought they would be out to get me rather than help?
    The fraud is serious enough for a prison sentence I believe. It went on for about 6 months. At first I didn't even realise I was doing anything wrong because I thought I could study for up to a year while claiming ESA benefit. Then later on I was just too scared to say anything. I thought I'd move out to avoid my son having any problems and then I got the letter about it all.
    It is about £7000 in total I think. Thats the maximum it is anyway. I feel rather stupid about it all. I spoke to the CAB but they're so busy they can't set an appointment for weeks
    I've taken my seroxat again tonight, to see if it was stopping that that was making me feel so awful.
    One thing I've noticed is people really don't like anyone who has cheated the benefit system, no matter what the circumstances! So thanks again for replying.
     
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