It's All About Me

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by kitai16, Aug 23, 2007.

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  1. kitai16

    kitai16 Well-Known Member

    Hehehe! The title's a little joke (it's a line from The Guinea Pig Way).

    I just wanted to see if I could explain abit about myself and my depression. I doubt I'll remember to put everything in, so if anything else you wanna know; just ask away.

    I've had depression for so long that I don't remember when it started. I've always been easily upset and easily made to feel worthless. I was officially disagnosed with it about 8/9 years ago, and I tried to get through it without taking the medication perscribed to me.

    Instead of getting past it, I just forced myself to get on with life and push everything as far into the back of my mind as possible. But I had alot more happen to me over the years that came after and my depression levels have always been up and down, up and down.

    I was feeling quite depressed again by about mid last year, I think it was. I was extremly unhappy in my job after we got a new manager and I had also been disagnose with TATT syndrome.

    To make things worse for me, a hell of alot happened to me at the end of last year and I was again officially disagnose with depression (by a different doctor because I lived somewhere else at this point). I was perscribed medication again, but I didn't want to take it. I wanted to get through it myself.

    I felt extremly suicidal and felt like I couldn't cope anymore and I was signed-off work for being so depressed.

    Around Decemeber things started to pick up a little and things were up and down, but generally looking to get better and though I was still very very depressed, I was starting to make a little progress.

    I thought I'd made quite a bit, but again now I've been brought right back down again and have had thoughts of ending my own life. I feel like I can't cope anymore and I sometimes wish I would just pass-out and never wake-up again... or wake-up and discover all my problems were just bad dreams. I keep crying randomly and without needing anything to really trigger it. And I just feel so exhausted for no reason too...

    Things just keep happening to me that hurt me and I really don't understand why. I've never been a bad person. I've never done anything illegal, I've never done anything to hurt anybody else, and I've always tried to treat other people as I'd like to be treated myself.

    Yet it always feels like people are out to hurt me all the time.

    I just don't understand it.

    I keep wondering if maybe I am a bad person? Or maybe I'm just not meant to be alive?
  2. weirdal

    weirdal Forum Buddy

    first of kitia you are not a bad person, and you are definantly meant to be alive.

    leep strong

  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Your not a bad person. A bad person is mostly malicious and has general bad intent.

    Your just unlucky but that doesn't mean your out of luck.
  4. kitai16

    kitai16 Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys.

    To make matters worse, I have had an "allogation of thieft" made against me by my former manager. I got a letter about, so I called the number on it and spoke to a police lady who didn't tell me very much at all. Just that my ex-employee has made a claim that I stole some money. I don't know how much I'm supposed to have taken - the police lady said she would call me back this morning to explain everything, but she hasn't yet (it's now almost 2pm).

    I know they can't prove I did it, because I didn't. But it's just going to be my word against her's. And being that she's the manager and been there longer, they're more likely to believe her. I was only there for 2 months because she forced me to resign (for a different reason - this is the first I've heard of this allogation).

    I'm just so worried about it... I've never been in trouble with the police before... I don't know how things work or what to do... or what could happen to me if they decide I have done this.

    I don't want to get in trouble for something I haven't done...

    And this has really screwed-up my job hunting too because I'm now paranoid about working with money or keys again. So that takes management and retail work off my job search lists.:sad: Which is annoying and upsetting because A) it means I've got less catagories of work to look for and B) if I was going to stay in retail, I wanted to carry on working my way up to store management.

    All I can do is tell the police the truth. But considering out unbelievebly unlucky I am; I doubt they'll believe my word over the manager's...
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