It's all coming back

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TG123, May 3, 2007.

  1. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    I went through some really hard times in November and December. My best friend decided not to be friends anymore, my family was fighting, I was so distanced from my friends and unable to talk to them. I thought of killing myself and tried, I went through a depression, if it wasn't for God I would have jumped over a bridge.

    Things got better, now all of this shit is coming back. I miss being friends with her and know she wants nothing to do with me. I finished my last day of student teaching and it was so awesome, but I couldn't even celebrate it with anyone. All of my colleagues partied together with their friends, I'm alone. Wrote an email to my friends congratulating them for having finished too, no reply. It's not a big deal, they must be busy but I'm remembering all of the pain and shit I went through a few months ago. I hate being alone although by now I'm trying to get used to it. There are good people out there, but no one I can get together with in person and like go hang out with and talk, like really talk. The only friend I have who I completely trust is God.

    I'm ranting and raving and sorry for that, I'm just feeling so shitty being alone while I know others are with well deserved friends. I am such a shit for feeling this because I know God is with me so I'm not really alone but just miss having people I can call up and hang out with. I had a close person like that once, then she decided she didn't want much to do with me anymore. Just told me she has a closer circle of friends. I asked if I did or said anything, she said no, she just doesn't want to be friends anymore.

    I'm not suicidal but I hope I die soon. I'm graduating next year, plan to go teach English in Middle East or Latin America. When I am not teaching and while I'm there, I want to join a Christian human rights missions group like MCC and go serve God and put my life on the line for Him. I want to die for the Gospel. I want to go to Palestine or Colombia and have someone kidnap me or shoot me or kill me. I'm so sorry for saying this but it's how I feel.

    I don't feel I fit in, and maybe I'm not meant to live long. I can lose my life in a way that is pleasing to Christ. I have friends but still feel so alone. I sound like such a fucking baby and I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time.

    I hope this pain and heartache and bad memories go away soon. Usually when I feel so bad I ask God to take these feelings away and He does. I just don't feel the pain anymore. I need to make myself numb to pain and not care about being alone anymore. Sorry for wasting everyone's time.

    Cristo Vive!
    - Tomasz
  2. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    Yeah, I'm alone too. Sure I know people who would take me clubbing with them, but I'm not a clubbing sort of person, I could also go out with people from work and talk about the weather and the football but that wouldn't make me feel less alone either. What I want is someone who I can open my heart to, who will understand me, who I can trust, will accept my beliefs etc. etc. Is there such a person out there? Who knows?

    All I know, is that I am changing, becoming, on a journey to an unknown destination, and it may be God, fate, mother nature or simply my own messed up head that is taking me there, but there is a path I must walk.

    So you feel that you don't fit in, maybe that's because you aren't where you're meant to be. Maybe God has plans for you, maybe He's calling on you to go places, to serve Him, to meet people, to love and accept these people and for them to love and accept you. Maybe you're on a journey too, and if so there will be great joy upon arriving at your destination, please don't give up along the way.
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    TG hun you aren't alone..we aint much..but we are here and we're listening and know just what you're going thru :hug:
    This idea of working with a christian organisation will be good for you hun, you will be with like minded people and will forge new relationships and friendships:smile:

    Pm me anytime hun.
  4. SeemsPerfect

    SeemsPerfect Guest

    That's cool you're considering teaching English in the Middle East or Latin America. I've been both places and if you ever want to talk about that kinda thing feel free to PM.

    By the way, CONGRATULATIONS on finishing your Student Teaching commitment! You seem like a cool person to hang out w/. I'm sure others see that as well.
    Last edited: May 3, 2007
  5. TG123

    TG123 Well-Known Member

    Hey Ziggy and Terry and SeemsPerfect,

    You're all so awesome and such good and caring people, I don't deserve to have friends like you. I'm so sorry I haven't been more supportive and caring towards others on this forum, I don't deserve your friendship or kindness or prayers. I'm grateful to God for people like you, you are blessings I don't deserve.

    You are good people and I should talk with you more, not just blurt out something when I'm going through crap. How are you guys doing? I hope you are doing OK, I'm sorry for not being there for you. You are here for me and I'm so grateful and undeserving of you.

    God loves you guys so much and you are so much more worthy of His love than I am. Thanks guys.

    Cristo Vive!
    - Tomasz
  6. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    Hey, stop all this undeserving nonsense! You're a fab guy and you've helped people loads around here. i literally don't have time to say much more but i know what it's like to feel and be alone, i really do. Feel free to add my msn (i think it's in my sig) or pm anytime if you want a chat. Stay strong. :arms:
  7. Ziggy

    Ziggy Antiquitie's Friend

    No thank you TG123.

    But tell me, who of us is the most worthy of love?
    Is Terry more worthy than me?
    Am I more worthy than SeemsPerfect?
    Am I more worthy than my cat?
    Are all of us worthy, or are none of us worthy?
    Or was this just a stupid question to ask?
  8. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member



    You're having a bad time, so don't make it worse by beating yourself up about whether or not you are helping other people. You probably are. Whether you notice it or not is a different thing.

    I probably don't need to tell you that we go through things for a reason. I probably don't need to tell you that we don't need to know what the reason is either, but we do need to trust. I know that that doesn't always make it easier, but maybe it might be some comfort to know that others are doing just the same.

    Don't be afraid to write in this section more often. After all, God didn't create us to be alone, did He?

    Yours in Christ

    PS: :hug:
  9. :hug: TG123