It's all crashing down around me...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by barto, Apr 13, 2011.

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  1. barto

    barto Well-Known Member

    It's all coming down. I don't know what to do :cry: Everything that once held me together is now coming undone. I'm failing my classes. Technically, I'm not failing in the System's standards, but I am by my mother's...

    I can't show my mother my grades tonight...I don't know how....she'll freak, I know that's what she'll do. And where does that leave me? In my closet with my broken glass, that's where :cry: I need to talk to my school counselor tomorrow.... I've actually considering calling a crisis line...It's not that I'm suicidal...I mean, I am, but I'm not in exactly a "crisis"...I don't think....I just want some advice on how to break it to my mother. She completely flipped when I got a C+ in PE at the beginning of the year (NOT a very important class in my opinion) I can't imagine what she's going to do this time...

    I had like all A's in the beginning of the school year...what the hell happened? I was so hopeful....I was finally away from all those people in my old school. I could finally make some friends and I was getting a chance to succeed and make it out of my shit-hole home/town/state/country...but my mother says that if I don't keep my grades up, she won't get me transportation to school (it's pretty far away) and then I'll have to switch to CHS. NO ONE from CSH has gone on to live a successful life. They've all never left this run-down town or joined the army. I'll tell you what will happen if I go to CHS: a downward spiral. Lack of future=lack of motivation. Grades in the toilet, experimentation with drugs and alcohol, and multiple suicide attempts. Don't worry, I'm probably going to fail the suicide attempts...I can't even do that right :sigh: I'm just probably going to drift around Barre, homeless and have illegitimate children that get taken away by the state before I finally OD in some gutter. Melodramatic? I wish.

    But maybe when I show my mother my grades, she'll FINALLY recognize that I'm completely fucked in the head....probably not

    I might as well carve "FAILURE" into my forehead. It'd go great with "FUCK UP" on my arm and "I'M FINE" on my right leg....Why can't there be classes like "Writing Angsty Poetry" or "Intro to Hyperventilating into a Bag"....."Not Sleeping for 5 Days 101"? I'd get straight A's in those.

    The hope for a better future, he one thing that has been keeping me alive for years, is now shattering into a million pieces. Maybe I do need a crisis line...

  2. barto

    barto Well-Known Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2011
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    please be as understanding as you can be of other people posting on the threads. lots of people are at some level of crisis themselves. there are lots of other threads. no one can really be on here all the time. it also takes time to read and write a response to threads.

    if someone views the thread and doesn't respond, it could mean that they just don't know what to say, or they just took a quick look at the thread

    hopefully your school councilor will be able to help. maybe the school councilor could recommend to your mom that you and her go to family therapy. it seems like a big part of your problems, and maybe even the principle problem, is that your mom is really overbearing. Often times people like that won't admit that they are causing problems, but hopefully she can accept that she needs to change her own behavior.

    If that doesn't work, do you have any relatives that you would feel safe with that you could live with? grandparent, aunt, etc?

    hope that things get better soon!
  4. barto

    barto Well-Known Member

    I know I felt like such a brat after writing that. It's just I feel like I get ignored everywhere with me, so I end up coming to SF for someone to listen. I know the world doesn't revolve around me...I'm just in one of my moods again ._.

    I don't really want to seem that I'm trying to redirect the blame from me, or say that nothing is my fault, but I honestly believe that most of my problems stem from my emotionally/physically abusive mother and my PTSD. I think she knows that she messes up, that's why she normally gives me gifts after her outbursts...doesn't really help, though...

    I am going to therapy. I was supposed to have my first appointment on Tuesday, but I had such a bad day in school with my anxiety attack that I didn't go. I've had the idea that my mother and I should attend family counseling as you said, but I'm rather resistant to the idea. I'm under scrutiny form her for how I look and act 24/7 and I would just like to keep my private thoughts to myself for the time being.

    I would love to go live with someone else, but my mother is actually the most stable member of my family :/
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    :hug: it's ok, not a big deal

    maybe your therapist could have some good ideas about how to handle things with your mom.

    so it sounds like your mom knows that she has a problem, maybe you could ask her to go to therapy on her own as the best gift that she can give you.

    even if the two of you aren't in therapy together, you might be able to communicate the degree to which she is hurting you, and hopefully she can respond

    boarding school isn't an option, is it? I think it's usually expensive, don't know if there are any exceptions

    oh, also you might want to check out

    National Domestic Violence Hotline
    24 hour hotline phone: 800.799.SAFE (800.799.7233)
    who they help: victims, survivors, family, parents, friends, offenders, community leaders. A resource to anyone who may have concerns about relationship being unhealthy or abusive, and it does not matter whether they are dating or married, living together or not.

    idk, maybe it would be useful
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 13, 2011
  6. barto

    barto Well-Known Member

    I really hope he/she does...and my counselor too.

    I don't really know if she would want to do something like that. It's just kind of a touchy subject around here....mental health....I don't want to say "shameful", but something like that. That is if we could even afford for us both to go to therapy.

    Perhaps one day, but for now, I'm just trying to avoid subjects like this around her at the risk it gets flipped around on me. I guess that this situation it is okay with me...I don't really strive for her approval any more...I'd just like to be insulted less. :/

    Yeah, money is one of the main problems with my current school (with gas prices as they are an all). She's working 5 jobs already...

    I was talking to a former teacher of mine lately and she was saying that my current school would be A LOT better place to be with my anxiety and other problems, I'm hoping my counselor could tell my mother something similar.
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sometimes there are community counseling centers that offer low cost or free services. also counselors that offer services on a sliding scale fee basis

    5 jobs? holy crap!

    if it's just you and your mom in your household, I wonder if there is any kind of state or federal assistance that could help. if you have ptsd, I wonder if you would qualify as being disabled and might be eligible for some benefits.

    I hope things work out in any case!
  8. barto

    barto Well-Known Member

    I haven't really looked into the whole insurance/financial assistance thing yet, but hopefully that will make a difference in the total cost.

    Yeah, I don't know if they'd all count as legitimate jobs (don't really know how to phrase that to make more sense). She does a lot of cleaning and takes care care of a couple elderly people, along with her job at a nursing home. I don't really know about federal help. My mother is normally too proud to accept any kind of handouts

    :hug: thank you
  9. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about the stress. Try to forgive your mom. We're all human and have flaws. I wish I could help more, but I hope you hang in there.
  10. barto

    barto Well-Known Member

    I do forgive, I just wish I could forget...

    but thank you :hug:
  11. Nobody ever forgets ... My learning disability wasn't diagnosed until I was in 4th grade. I'm 26 and I can clearly remember being yelled at about my work when I was 6, I will never forgot the disappointment and disgust in my mother's voice as I sat at the kitchen table trying to write in my copy book. How our parents act affects us and stays with us for God knows how long. You, however, are able to forgive and that is all that matters.
    Try talking to your teachers about your situation. Explain that you have been depressed or having difficulty focusing. They may be more sympathetic then you think. I'm a teacher, and I know when something is off with one of my students. I had a student two years ago have a sudden drop in grades. She revealed she was depressed and that she cuts herself ... little did she know I was doing the same. The thing is your teachers may be able to relate and your going into the 4th marking period you still have time to pull up your grades.
    I hope I helped I'm new at this. And judging by your writing and wit and the fact that you are smart enough to seek help you are a very bright young woman.
  12. barto

    barto Well-Known Member

    I try, but in my own way...I'm not very good with expressing my feelings to peers and my best friends, say nothing about teachers and people with authority. I know that some of my teachers know and care, my social studies teacher has pulled me aside before and asked me what was wrong. Other teachers, not so much :dry: They just have an almost "sucks to be you" attitude about it.

    And the 4th marking period is going to be a point I bring up to my mother.

    Thank you for this. It really means a lot :hug:
  13. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    You sound like your in shock. When your world comes crashing down its very hard to think rationaly. I've not been in the same situation but had these feelings. Your body goes into over drive and you are on the defence all the time... But... Its normal. This is how our brain copes and protects you. I think once your mum knows and the outcome is met, you will be able to calm down. I'm so sorry your mum is like this... It is not good for you at all. But, sadly this is how it is and you need to get through it. Be strong and let us know how it goes. Please :)
  14. barto

    barto Well-Known Member

    My counselor told me to write a letter to her and present it to her with my report card on Friday, but I've been trying to find the best time to give it to her. It's probably going to be tonight
  15. I'm glad to hear its your social studies teacher ... I'm one. Teachers talk to each other if we think something is up, so chances are other teachers have noticed but don't want to intrude and want to keep that student teacher distance. Also if we hear certain things we need to report them thus we can't promise confidentiality and have to involve the school social worker. Which means some students end up feeling betrayed. Try talking to the school social worker they are there to mediate between students, parents, and teachers. Good luck with everything and remember you still have the 4th quarter.
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