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Its all crashing down around me.

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SashaJade

Well-Known Member
#1
My whole world is crashing and burning around me.

I cant be who I WANT to be... No one is being accepting, no one is helping me, im surviving barely on my own, I cant cope with this.

Im losing all of those closest to my heart... And its killing me inside. Im pushing half of them away cos I dont wanna hurt them and the other half have walked out of their own choice, after deciding they cant stand to be around me any longer.

I DONT WANT THIS LIFE ANY LONGER.

Im finished.

I have the means and the willpower to kick this hell forsaken life right now.
 
#2
Hi Sam,

I am sorry to hear that you are really struggling at the moment. I know the pain that losing people brings, and am unfortunately in the same situation myself. All I can say is that the people who have left aren't worth your pain. And I realize that it's easier said than done, but I hope you soon realize that you deserve better than that. I'm assuming you wouldn't walk out on them in their time of need, and that's because you would want to be there to support them, if they can't do the same for you, that's their loss. You will find other people who will see how lucky they are to be your friend. You are well liked on this forum, because people can see the real you. I know how devastating it is to have people walk away, to not feel good enough, to feel alone, but it won't be like this forever. Maybe some of them are struggling themselves and are unable to be around as much, give them time hon. I also push people away, I understand how frustrating that is, but maybe you can write those people letters explaining what is going on for you, and why you react like you do? Please don't hurt yourself, I know you will be greatly missed here, and although it may not feel like it, people do care about you. If you feel at risk of yourself please contact a crisis line, or go to hospital where you can receive the adequate support to keep you safe.

Please PM me if you need to talk :hug:
 

SashaJade

Well-Known Member
#4
im getting ridiculed because of my diagnosis... Gender Identity Disorder,Depression,Anxiety and Paranoia...

I hate myself effectively. I hate this body, I hate this mind. All I do is screw up and Ive had enough of that.

Ive lost a couple of friends to suicide recently... And well, I think id be happier being where they are than where I am now.

Nothing ever works out for me.

So this is my decision.
 

Butterfly

Sim Addict
Safety & Support
SF Author
SF Supporter
#8
I hope you're ok Sam :( I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful. I know what it's like to push people away in fear of hurting them, but the way I see it is that we all have to hurt and fight this together. Those people who have walked on you because of your diagnosis were never friends anyway. Focus on those who love and accept you for you. Remember the question I asked, are we depressed because we are lonely, or are we lonely because we are depressed? Don't be lonely because you are depressed, you don't have to share everything with everyone but if you're having a bad day, meet up or chat with a friend about anything and everything. I always find a good bitching session over coffee helps to make me feel slightly better.

Please let us know that you're ok, you know my pms are always open to you.

I love you so much Sammy baby.

Lots of love,

Lexibubble :wub:
 

SashaJade

Well-Known Member
#9
Thank you for the concern guys. Unfortuately i'm still here.

And in a bit of a mess, I fucked up my arms something good last night cos I couldnt feel a sodding thing.

Have been awake since 7.30am monday morning... didnt sleep at all last night!

Oh, and I had a session with my CPN today, im now on suicide watch and under constant surveillance at out patients, and if I get any worse its likely Id end up back in hospital.

My CPN made me sign a safety contract today, making me promise I will be safe tonight and return to out patients tomorrow, and we will work on it from there.

That is one HARD promise for me to keep right now.

Again thank you all who have replied.

Much love :wub: :grouphug:
 

lightbeam

Antiquities Friend
#10
Sam, I've been worried about you.

I wish you wouldn't have cut contact when you did, but you were getting pretty groggy. I began to wonder if you just passed out.

I'm sorry about your arms. Hopefully you are able to get the help you need now, through outpatient.
 

SashaJade

Well-Known Member
#11
Passing out would have been a better option then being awake all freaking night; Im not even tired which is uber weird. Thank you though for talking to me last night bubba :)

Oh, on another note im now being forced to go in 5 days a week so they can monitor me as much as they can. What illl do at the weekends we havent worked out yet cos weekends are the worst time for me.
 

lightbeam

Antiquities Friend
#12
Just be careful on the weekends, and stop stowing meds in your room! *growl* I thought it was blades and booze that you were getting out.

Not what I expected. You threw me off. You are doing the naughty naughty! lol
 

Butterfly

Sim Addict
Safety & Support
SF Author
SF Supporter
#13
Awwwww Sam :( Big hugs to you. I'm glad you are going to get some help through outpatients. I hope things get better for you soon. You know I am always here for you Sammy baby. Wub you lots xxxx
 

SashaJade

Well-Known Member
#14
Lexibubbleeeee. Thank you soooo much for being there for me, the same goes for you, any time you need me, get in contact, you have like a gazillion ways of doing so!

Love you lots and lots like jelly tots xxxxx
 

Butterfly

Sim Addict
Safety & Support
SF Author
SF Supporter
#15
Don't have to thank me hun, that's what friends are for. Only thing I don't have of yours is MSN I think if you have that? :hug:
 
#18
hey, I hope that you are doing ok

I wonder if you could join a support group for people with the same diagnosis. I think that not feeling like you are alone can help

:hug:
 
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