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It's all falling apart

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ImTrying, Dec 20, 2010.

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  1. ImTrying

    ImTrying Member

    I thought my feelings of suicide were gone but I guess not. Im sick of being unemployed, broke, and unhappy all the time. I cant even afford a $1 holiday card to give as a gift. I rely on family to get by. Bills are piling up and I dont know where to turn. Sure I've had a few jobs in the last few months. I'd sit through all the training and then just up and leave within a week. I don't know why I do this to myself. I just walked out on my 4th job in 5 months last night. What the hell is wrong with me? Why must I feel like a prisoner of my on mind? Why can't I control my thoughts? I just want to be happy like everyone else I see around me. Sometimes I cry for no apparent reason. I dont enjoy the things I used to like playing my guitar or listening to music. If we are all going to die anyway why should I wait in this prison?
  2. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed


    I'm sorry to hear you are feeling bad *hugs* things do get better slowly you can't give up yet. Where are you based?
    Like UK - You can try ParentLine who can help wiith thee problems you are having.Or maybe E-mail Samaritans we are always hear for you no matter what please don't hurt yourself :(
  3. ImTrying

    ImTrying Member

    I am in TN. I have tried all the hotlines and they are good while I'm talking to them but after I hang up I feel like Ive made no progress at all. A few months ago my family found out that I was feeling suicidal and they smothered me which only made me want to isolate myself more. I feel like my life went to shit when I got out of the military. Id give anything to go back and have some sense of stability in my life. That is the only time I felt secure in who I was and where I was going with my life. I dont have health insurance so I cant see a doctor. In fact I owe quite a bit of money to a local hospital for an ER visit because I took too many pills. I convinced them it was an accident so nothing more came of it. I feel like Ive tried everything I can.
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You may be eligible for medicaid or veterans benefits

    Have you always had trouble controlling your thoughts, or is it something since you returned from the military?

    Were you in combat? Do you think you could have PTSD?
  5. ImTrying

    ImTrying Member

    I was on TN version of Medicare until the age of 24 and then was suddenly dropped. I only received 6 months of VA benefits after I separated. I served one tour in Iraq. I was never in "combat" because I was a bomb and missle loader for F-16s. Everytime a jet came back with empty racks I just imagined how many people died when the pilot hit the button that dropped that bomb. Thats beside the point though. Im not sure PTSD would be diagnosed. I have only been having sucidial thoughts since I left the military in 2006. Its amazing how I can handle the rigors of military life but every bump in the road as a civilian leaves me questioning my existance. Ive spent many hours reading suicide notes and methods online. It is weird but I find comfort in knowing that Im not the only person who thinks leaving this world isnt such a bad thing.
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    If you got suddenly dropped, sometimes that is because you need to fill out a form that indicates you are still eligible.

    If you became disabled during military service or shortly there after, you might be eligible for benefits that you are unaware of.

    If you talk to someone who knows the ropes with these things, talking to them might help.

    Maybe someone on-line?

    Could your former commander help?
  7. ImTrying

    ImTrying Member

    I don't have any connections to the military any more. I was stationed in Italy so I dont even know where to begin to locate anyone. I spent 3 years and multiple appeals with the VA about benefits to just be denied over and over again. Honestly, I dont think seeing a therapist or counselor would help. Any time my family tries to bring it up I just push them away because I cant hold myself together. Im ashamed to let them see that I am weak.
  8. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Suicidal feelings and depression are really common for people who have left the military. Its a recognised problem
    You were part of a unit which was part of a greater whole and you understood your place and purpose within that structure. You had a job which contributed to the greater whole and there were clear boundaries in all parts of your life.
    Now you're living in 'civvy Street' and you don't know what your purpose is or where your place fits into the larger structure. Now there aren't any boundaries and no clear guidelines and you're lost.
    Many ex military people feel this way.
    You're going through a form of culture shock but I think you do also have symptoms of PTSD. Plus I don't think that you've truly accepted that what you're suffering from is an illness. If you had accepted that, you wouldn't consider yourself 'weak' for needing help and assistance.
    A decent therapist would help but I'm not sure that you'd ready to trust anyone yet. I think that the priority for you right now is to accept that you're ill not weak.
    What research have you done into mental health problems (I don't mean methods, I'm mean symptoms and examples)
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Check into your local VA office, my H was also in the military and he is no longer active, but the VA does pay for some of his meds, the VA will also help you locate jobs that fit your personality.

    Give this a try: Not sure the area your in:

  10. ImTrying

    ImTrying Member

    Thank you for that insight. I filed for VA benefits online today. Hopefully I will get approved so I can get the proper medications. I hear that depression medication can lead to thoughts of suicide. Will this only make me worse?
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you have to be really careful when you first go on anti depressants. that's because it lifts your energy before it lifts your mood. so you might still be suicidal, but ironically now you have the energy to act on your thoughts, whereas if you were still really depressed you might have the thoughts but no energy to carry through. monitor your moods carefully. if your suicidal feelings intensify call your doctor immediately or go to the ER. it's a known problem. the doctor will monitor you to make sure you are getting on okay. well done on contacting the VA. that's a great first step towards feeling better.
  12. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Please, please use caution with antidepressants. I lost my friend recently, also military. The antidepressants gave him far too much energy. If you find yourself actually acting on things, "taking care of business" that is a red-flag and do consult your provider and of course, come here and talk.

    To quote you (I don't know how to use the fancy tools here); "Its amazing how I can handle the rigors of military life but every bump in the road as a civilian leaves me questioning my existence." ---Listen, you are not alone in feeling this way. Far from alone. I have a handful of people in my life going through this right now. I come from a long line of lifer service folks, including both of my parents. Can you get into any groups with other former soldiers? Any deployment under any circumstance, in the type of situation you were in, is stressful...does cause changes. They are beefing up programs to help folks in your situation. The military claims they want to be notified by soldiers if you are having difficulties adjusting. Could be an adjustment reaction, culture shock as Catherine stated, could be ptsd, could be a number of things. Have you contacted anyone on base or from your former unit?

    I believe, you could contact some of the private veterans type groups. The social service groups. Surely they would know of meetings...and YES! there IS value in meeting up with other vets who actually UNDERSTAND! Connecting with others is so very valuable...and you will find you are NOT alone. **hug**

    Also, have you considered reenlisting? I only throw this out there, because some folks just don't do civilian life well, after being in the service. They don't prepare you.

    Keep talking, yes?
  13. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Definitely contact the military. They have supports available to help former soldiers who are suffering psychological problems.
  14. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Good luck with this - and set aside the feeling you are weak because you are the victim of actual chemical changes in the brain and almost certainly suffering from PTSD and some depression also. This is common with ex soliders and lets not forget that Winston Churchill suffered terrible deppression, but you'd not call him 'weak' would you? Hell No!!!

    The Iraq and Aghani and other wars have led to PTSD and all forms of depressiosn and so on. You say you only loaded bombs but that in itself is not easy when you actually see the results on TV and so on. The military is like a family to many young men - offers stability and becomes your life. Seperating from it is not easy. Civvy Street seems too quiet plus those people will not die for you liike your fellow comrades in the military would. My hope is your VA groups will offer help and you'll get them to sort out benefits which can be depressing in themselves with so many forms that you really need experts to help out with the answers.

    Good luck and hope things work out.
  15. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I just wanted to bring up one other thing, you began to tell us of your experience, then sort of dropped it saying, it was beside the point. I just want you to know, it's okay to talk about anything here. That's the point of sf. There are others here who served. Sometimes it helps getting some of those thoughts, feelings, and experiences out. I just want you to know, it's okay to share those things here. If you've not talked about it, it might help getting some of it out. I don't know.

    If you don't feel comfortable sharing on the open forum, you could always start a private diary here. You could always pm someone. There are options. You shouldn't carry the burden alone.
  16. ImTrying

    ImTrying Member

    I think it may help a little to get some of my experiences off my chest. I haven't really talked to anyone about my deployment before. When my unit got back, we filled out a post-deployment worksheet asking about how we feel, eating habits, and things like that. At the time, I was scheduled to take two weeks of leave one week after returning (we were required to stay on base for at least a week for observation). I filled out the checklist with all positive answers because I did not want to jepordize my trip home to see my family that I had not seen for over a year. Where on the forum can I unload?
  17. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    You can unload anywhere you would like if the mods think you will have better response somewhere else then they will move it.

    I to think talking about everything youve been through will hlep to release some of the anxiety, also def contact VA, social groups, all that have been through your situation, not only will they understand what your talking about (you wont have to go into every detail for them to understand) they will also know of alot of resources you can reach out to.

    Taking antidepressants can be scary, you have to keep track of what your feeling and watch out for thoughts that you didnt have before you started taking them. Maybe you could try journaling, jot down thoughts and feelings that you have on a daily basis, this will show you if your getting any benefits from taking them to. I also find journaling to be a relief, there are things I would never say outloud, but I can write them down.

    Good Luck with everything!!
  18. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I would suggest you choose a members only area of the forum. I'm hoping one of the mods or admins will make a suggestion as to a good place to unload, but don't let that stop you. Just start a post wherever you think best, and let it out.

    You are not alone. Many whom i've spoken with, filled in all positives or stated they were just fine. Some went back for some type of follow-up -many weeks later- that was to help the unit adjust.

    **hugs** if you want them, they are there.

    Lots of good people here to support you.
  19. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    So what sorts of things did you experience when you were deployed? I watched a documentary about soldiers suffering from PTSD after coming back from Iraq or Afghanistan. I guess it's just really tough to have a normal life after seeing people getting killed in combat etc.
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