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it's all I think about now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by faceshed, Sep 11, 2007.

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  1. faceshed

    faceshed Active Member

    sometimes I get into a game or a T.V. show and I forget about my lust for death for a minute or when I'm asleep but as soon as I wake up my mind quickly comes to the idea of killing myself and how I would do it.

    But I don't want to die I want to be productive, I don't want to be a scab to be removed from earth.
    I guess my greatest fear is that all I've done is soak up everyones effort and given nothing back.

    But I get so sick of watching people sell each other out, the would is full of back stabbing retards.
    every time I try to talk to someone ( on line or in real life) it's easy to see they don't care about anything but themselves and they all seam to be to stupid to see it.

    so I'm numb to it, hearing about peoples suffering doesn't phase me anymore, and I tried to stop caring about what people thought of me.
    I get so sick of people stupid comments and all that 'hows the weather?' garbage every time I try to start a conversation about the vast complexities of the universe it's shot down or it becomes a frustrating struggle for me and them to keep the bridge of conversation going.
    It's SO MUCH easier to just think to myself, but as hard as I try I can't do it.
    I think all my depression seems from loneliness.
    I'm sick of it and I keep thinking theres no one else like me out there, maybe they all got sick of it too and went ahead to the next life without me.

    Theres 3 things stopping me from doing myself in now:
    1 is my family, I don't want them to have to put up with it, but if things keep going like they are, me with no job and no life I will probably feel like a burden soon and like killing myself would save them trouble.
    2 is me having no guts, I've wanted to die for a long longtime now and if I didn't rely on other people to help me think so often I would have done it probably at the age of 7.
    3 is that I can't find a good way of killing myself that won't damage my organs, I'm a organ donor and me not taking any pills my one day help someone here live a new life with my kidney, and hopefully they won't hate my guts for it.....:wink: (<-- trying hard to fake a laugh at my stupid pun)
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member


    I think about it more and more as the days go by. I'm sick of acting happy... when I can't. I'm tired of putting on a brave face and lying "oh, yes, I'm totally fine"

    But after the unintentional intervention I did on my friend today I just feel like shit. :sad:

    I'm here for a PM, cause I could probably use one too.
  3. faceshed

    faceshed Active Member

    yeah it botheres me every time I fake it because everyone around me is so quick to bleave everything is fine and ignore it.
    I guess I'm asking to much I might do the same, and maybe I have.
  4. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    dont kill yourself. It is sin. Life seems worthless and unbearable sometimes but this phase passes away. Better days will be here for you soon. Have faith and have hope. We are here to help you. I have gone through so many hardships in my life and I am 60. I enjoy every minute of my life. What I enjoy most is that by being alive I have helped so many people. Help someone a little and you will feel enormous strength inside. This is basic law of nature.

    One time I too contemplated suicide but I am glad I did not do it. I would have regertted if I did it. By living I have touched the lives of so many people and so many people are happy because of me.
  5. faceshed

    faceshed Active Member

    being a sin means nothing to me.
    long ago I desided that I would life my life trying to do the best I can without thinking about any rules any god has layed down (not without care for advice or gidance, not that I'm getting any of that) and if that isn't good enough for some god then I would be much better off with the legons of hell.

    corect me if I'm wrong but you seem to think I'm only after happyness.
    The problem is I don't have a reson to look forward to better days.
    If that was all I wanted I would be smokeing pot or something right now.
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