It's all i want anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lorax, Aug 14, 2013.

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  1. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    It seems i'm visiting this thread a lot more lately. I really don't want to go on. Honestly, you can only repress your situation and pretend there's hope for so long.

    No job, lack the strength to even go to work anyways. Weeks of the most tweaked out sleep schedule possible. Recurring more times than i care to admit. Loosing my bonds to everyone.
    Big traumatizing move, right around the bend.

    Waking up, not knowing if my day will be spent in severe depression. Or maybe crippling "highs" Not being able to hold a strong sense of who i am.

    Hallucinating, leading to constant anxiety. Panic attacks just for the sake of making me more miserable.

    I see people hurting me at every turn now. Breaking my trust. Can't even ask my best friend for comfort, i don't want to continue burdening him. I owe him that much, so i just laugh and talk about my plans.. That i know are out of reach.

    My family is at disconnect with me. I hold on for everyone but my self. I just can't see the light. Work, failed relationships, never having enough money, issues that never "go away" that's my realistic view on my future. Based on my past/present.

    I love the few people in my life. More than i love the horrid thing i see in my self. But it feels that i can't just live in misery for them. This situation is too much. My views are so bleak. I wish i loved my self more.

    I wish i was "normal". That i could just look at this as an opportunity. That i could cheer my self up. Or forgive my self for my past. Those seem impossible.

    I guess for now i will smile. Go on day to day. Pretend i'm happy for everyone. Maybe even force my self into a job. But deep down, it's just waiting to appear. I think next time will not be another attempt. Success seems to be my last wish. For now i will just keep wishing. But.. It seems inevitable. One more impulse.. That's all it has taken before.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I understand when you say one more impulse hun I hope that you get to your doctor and you tell doc the truth how deep you are in depression and you need help
    You are seeing things through the eyes of sadness now a distorted realty i was told that too Get your meds changed up ok don't suffer alone hun don't it only makes things wors
    I hear your sadness i do just want you to know that there is help ok please reach out for it hugs
     
  3. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    All i can think at the moment is, i hope you don't get the final impulse. Kind of selfish to feel that i guess. I want it to come, but i honestly don't want anyone else to get it. If i can think of something more profound i will share. 40+ hours no sleep, 15+ on a sleep aid. Not very coherent.
     
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear that you are going through this.

    meditating, clearing your mind of thoughts, can be very helpful. deep meditation can be even more restful than sleep, but it can be hard to achieve for many people.

    the link in my signature might be helpful to you.

    have you had any help from a doctor or other medical professional?
     
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