It seems i'm visiting this thread a lot more lately. I really don't want to go on. Honestly, you can only repress your situation and pretend there's hope for so long. No job, lack the strength to even go to work anyways. Weeks of the most tweaked out sleep schedule possible. Recurring more times than i care to admit. Loosing my bonds to everyone. Big traumatizing move, right around the bend. Waking up, not knowing if my day will be spent in severe depression. Or maybe crippling "highs" Not being able to hold a strong sense of who i am. Hallucinating, leading to constant anxiety. Panic attacks just for the sake of making me more miserable. I see people hurting me at every turn now. Breaking my trust. Can't even ask my best friend for comfort, i don't want to continue burdening him. I owe him that much, so i just laugh and talk about my plans.. That i know are out of reach. My family is at disconnect with me. I hold on for everyone but my self. I just can't see the light. Work, failed relationships, never having enough money, issues that never "go away" that's my realistic view on my future. Based on my past/present. I love the few people in my life. More than i love the horrid thing i see in my self. But it feels that i can't just live in misery for them. This situation is too much. My views are so bleak. I wish i loved my self more. I wish i was "normal". That i could just look at this as an opportunity. That i could cheer my self up. Or forgive my self for my past. Those seem impossible. I guess for now i will smile. Go on day to day. Pretend i'm happy for everyone. Maybe even force my self into a job. But deep down, it's just waiting to appear. I think next time will not be another attempt. Success seems to be my last wish. For now i will just keep wishing. But.. It seems inevitable. One more impulse.. That's all it has taken before.